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My thought this morning revolved around the pressure, ever growing, put on individuals to always have this perfect, happy life. To never be without control. To refuse to break under pressure or, if we do, to never, ever, for any reason show it. We live in a world wear a mask is required. I am sick of that rule. I am going to break it. So here is a snapshot of life for me today.
This has not been my happiest of holiday seasons. As the days have passed, screaming unapologetically towards Christmas, I've grown increasingly homesick. I am not sure if it's the difficult year I've had or my nephews or something else entirely, but the absence of Alaska and family has never been this hard. My eating disorder did a rather decent job of kicking my but the second half of November/first part of December. The last week an half has been better, though that always brings it's own set of issues. I saw the doctor a couple weeks back and found out I had pretty low iron levels. It brought relief, of a kind, to know the bone deep exhaustion I'd been feeling of late had an explanation. I started an iron supplement got a slight, but noticeable, uptick in energy. I hope that only continues. Work has been crazy, but I've adopted a routine of caring one day and then not letting it get to me the next. It also helps to remind myself that, compared to the responsibilities/stresses of my co-workers, my job is a cakewalk. This helps to curb my inner complaints. I've been filled with dreams and plans for the future, but an inability to immediately act on them, leaves me feeling stuck, stifled. I, of course, waited until the last minute to do Christmas shopping and no one will get their gifts on Monday, leaving me to feel like a horrible daughter/sister/friend etc.... Money is tight, more so than usual.
The purpose of sharing those things isn't to generate sympathy or pity. It was done to rip off the perfect mask of lies. It's to say that this won't be my happiest of Christmases and that's ok. Not every day is a good one, so too with holidays. That is life.
I know there are others, people with whom I interact almost daily, who are dealing with heartaches much greater than my own. And I know that at least a few of those people feel guilt over their lack of holiday spirit, try to hide the feeling they are crumbling. If any of them read these words, I hope they are able to glean from them their own strength to set fire to that guilt and rip off their own pain filled masks. It is ok to feel sad, to be witness to failure, to not love every second of your life.
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I worked hard to create happiness today. I smiled at the sight of Faelina quivering with trepidatious rage at birds skittering just outside my window. I could almost taste, her desire to break free, to attack. I started re-reading (something I never let myself do) one of my most favorite books, The King of Elfland's Daughter. I swear it is one of the most beautifully written books ever to exist. I went to the movies, finding fair entertainment for a couple hours. I decided on a walk and was graced with one of the most stunning mountain sights I'd seen in a long while. (Thank you universe for putting that thought in my head when you did). I listened to music I loved, loudly, blurring the lines of where the music stopped and I began. I sneaked into Inspirations front door, found a new creative writing project. I deliberated over, decided upon, the word which will be my theme for 2018. I stepped through the doors of my favorite store Barnes&Noble. I sit now in their cafe, sipping coffee and typing away. I am fairly certain that when I leave this place, it will be with a few new books in tow (thanks to the gift card I've been saving!). I know I have a warm home to return to. And in that home is a small Christmas tree, sparkling with lights, and presents tucked beneath it's branches. Now some of those presents are the ones I didn't get in time to send, but others are from family and friends. People who love me. I have much to be grateful for. Today was a surprisingly good day. I have hopes that tomorrow will be another. If it isn't though that is ok. That is life.
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