A Rough Chapter

Sometimes you just get lost.
Sometimes you find yourself trapped
Sometimes the maze you are in is just to much for your strength,
Sometimes your mind goes to war with your soul.
Sometimes you just need to ask for help.

It hurts, it sucks, it frustruates, it shatters.
Shame, weakness abounds, you feel flattened - exposed.
Sisyphus's journey feels a short walk in comparison.
You hate that anyone has to know.

But it's needed - it's necessary.
The only way to the future because
the only other option is not having one.

I wrote this poem Tuesday, but am not quite ready to share the reason behind the words. Suffice it to say that this last week has been kind of a rough one in the story of my life. It will likely never make my list of of top 10 favorite times, but years from now when I look back it will probably be on my list of top 10 most important. As a result of what happened my trip to Utah has been cancelled, my ability to do anything physical has been severely restricted, and until further notice I am not allowed to have caffeine of any kind. In a day I lost many of my all time favorite loves; my favorite stress reducers have been stripped away.

At least it's easy for my mind to twist that way. I know that I still have so many of the things that make my life rich, that make me one of the luckiest people alive. I have been surrounded by love from my mom and sisters. The few friends who know what has taken place have given me an incredible level of support. I have met new people who have inspired me with their inner strength and given me the courage to keep going to find my own. I have my two cats who keep me smiling, warm blankets to curl up and relax in, hot tea to soothe, and my books for when I need to get lost in another world.

I also know that underneath the whirlwind of happy confused misery I'm now living in I am doing the absolute best thing I can for my future. I'm sorry if anyone is frustruated by my holding back. I hope that one day, soon, I will feel strong and fearless enough to share without shame or embarassment but that is definitely not today. Today I wanted to let others know that there is a reason why I'm suddenly absenting myself from all company and fun things and more important  I just needed to write something.