Anxious Joy

Cold, so cold

And fear is gray

Rain falls, taking place of tears

So long forced to stay unshed

Worry rocking the world to sleep

A barbed lullaby

Sirens have such sharp teeth

Death seems to linger

Every breath we breathe

And the world is gray

Cold, so cold

~*~

I wrote the above poem yesterday. In came in a sudden flash of anxiety ridden inspiration. One of the many lightening bolts of fear that have riddled my life this past week. Thankfully, gracefully, the terror faded almost as quickly as it came on. Over the last few days I've been better at managing my worries. At stopping my ridiculous ruminations over possibilities that might never become actualized, and instead focus on what currently is. Remember just how lucky  I am, especially when compared to so many others. Instead of:

- What if I lose my job

- What if I can't pay bills

- What if I get sick

- What if my mom, sisters, friends get sick

- What if Faelina suddenly dies

- What if, what if, what if.....

I have practiced saying Right now

- Right now I am still working, from home

- Right now I am able to pay bills

- Right now I am not being forced to put my life on the line to work & pay said bills

- Right now I feel physically healthy

- Right now the people I love most are healthy

- Right now Faelina is her happy little demon faerie self

- Right now I am ok, safe, lucky

I could pit 'What Ifs' against 'Right Nows' all day, but would it help anything? No. And yes, with things changing faster than firecracker sparks, my Right now could take a drastic decline in the next 24 hours. But worrying it will helps only my anxiety.

I was thinking  today about anxiety. How to explain it properly. I don't know if I ever can, partly because it manifests differently for everyone. But I did have this thought. Anxiety is like bubbles. Dozens to hundreds of floating bubbles. Only unlike real bubbles, whose beautiful shimmery skins highlight the beautiful spaces inside the seconds of our life... anxiety bubbles are sharp, prickly, barbed things that stab at anything beautiful until all you see is bloody air and floundering dreams, and HOW DARE YOU even think that you could be happy over anything.

Over the past few days I've tried incredibly hard to focus on actively fighting against all those little pointy bubbles. I am doing this by:

- Checking the news 2-3 times a day instead of every hour

- Repeating to myself the list of all the good things I have right now

- STAYING HOME except for,

- Solo hikes and once weekly trips to the grocery store

- Making small purchases to small business I love, who I know are struggling more than I am

- Reaching out to various family and friends that I don't often talk to. Letting them know I'm thinking of them

- Reading, snuggling with Faelina, drinking lots of coffee (my happiness trifecta)

- Writing

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a million real, iridescent, glittering bubbles flooding my life with hope and beauty and love. And even if my right now takes a drastic decline in the next day or week, I am still so much luckier than so many millions of people. And if you ever hear me start to say otherwise, I give you definite permission to smack me upside the head until I snap out of my ridiculous pity party. Because honestly, I have no room to complain. Not when I think of the doctors & nurses, grocery store clerks & postal works, and thousands of others who are literally risking their lives every day by helping others. They're the ones who have cause to be anxious, not me.

I started this post with a bleak poem. I leave you with one that is decidedly more hopeful. I wrote it this morning, while out hiking beneath impossibly tall trees, the air so crisply cold it dazzled, birds darting from branch to branch, singing their favorite songs.

~*~

Pillars of the temple

A temple of trees

With diamonds formed dewdrops

With spaces between

For the harkens of bird call

Such nourishment they bring

To the spaces in our souls

That so strongly need

Essential joy

~*~

I wish you all safe comforts and continued health.

Love to you all.

~*~*~

Morning Poem

Thinks are a bit crazy out there. Anxious, scared, tired, angry…just few of the slew of emotions I’ve felt the last couple weeks. I know I’m not alone.

Trying to stay optimistic though. I am – far as I know – healthy. My financial situation is not desperate. Bellingham has had GORGEOUS weather the past few days. Faelina is still her sassy self (and quite pleased by that fact). And – most important of all – my family and friends are all safe. I hope with my entire soul they stay that way.

I figured I’d share something today, it has been a few weeks after all. ‘Choose something lighthearted’ I said to myself. Yet, as I read through my entire book of poems & stories I’ve written this past year, I found only a few pieces that were even remotely on the bright side. And they were all terrible. I am not just saying that.

So, you get the ominous poem I wrote this morning. It was inspired by a book I’m currently reading. The author of said book found her inspiration for it’s writings in a journal she picked up at an estate sale. Writing inspires writing -inspires more writing. Art is amazing like that.

~*~

A general breaking up of body

Sugar tracing tracks through blood

I lay my gentle flowers down

Watch them dissolve into wind

The sky unfolds with rusting stardust

~*~*~

I wish for you all peace, health and so much love in the coming weeks 💜

~*~