It's been awhile since I've written about the status of my
recovery and today I hope to give you all at least a brief update on where I am. The last time I had a post specifically dedicated to it was
before I left for Norway, but please do not take my silence since as a sign that I am recovered because that could not be further from the truth. There are a few reasons for this lengthy silence. One is that for awhile I just so badly wanted a break from
her, and since I'm still plagued daily by her
voice, thoughts and presence not writing was the only
break I could get. Another reason is that as more time passed there became more to tell and the thought of writing (and having you read) a post that long caused me to cringe. And then there's the fact that right now I really honestly am just not sure where I stand. I realized today though that my continued absence from writing about this is not helping me in any way, if anything it's making me weaker against her efforts to overpower me. So I am going to try to transform all my thoughts and questions into a narrowed down fully coherent set of
written words.
I'll start with Norway since that's where I left off. It was, simply put, tough and my best efforts seemed to be largely in vain. During the two weeks Kairi was there she weighed me regularly and each time my weight dripped, and then fate stepped in and made things worse. I don't know if it was food poisoning, a stomach bug, or just plain bad luck, but I got sick and for a few days I barely able to eat. As a result lost a scary amount of weight. This took place at the end of Kairi's trip and on her last day with me I gave Kairi full control of what and when I at that day. She took that charge up with gusto and the next morning she had put back more than half of what I'd lost on me.
As awful as that one weekend was I think it also brought break through. My last week in Norway I was able to try new foods and enjoy some major fear foods - at times without any hesitation - I was freer of her than I'd been in a long while.
Exercise in Norway was also a struggle, she
was constantly pushing me to walk more, bike more, hike more etc... and every day was a non-stop back and forth between us.
On the upside one incredibly wonderful difference was
that, throughout the entire trip, her voice seemed as if it was
on mute whenever I was outside.
I was actually able to gaze around me and wonder at the tree
trunks covered in grass, the leaves that sparkled in the
hazy sunlight, and the rainbow hued flowers that dotted the
paths I walked on. And when my mind did wander away from the
path back into the depths of my own mind, it was to get lost in
distractions and daydreams that I actually wanted to have.
Returning to Maine was interesting; because I wasn't returning to my life as it was before I left i.e. a job and the schedule that went with it. I had to figure out a new schedule and way of eating, one that allowed me to blend the way I'd been doing things pre-Norway with the routine I'd developed in Norway in such a way that fit my new life post-Norway. Since I no longer had access the nurse at Unum I had to find a new avenue for regular weight checks. I was also coming off a month where almost every day I'd done a minimum of a 1 hour walk and most days had done quite a bit more than than that. The sudden halt to tough hiking trips and daily walks through a city built on such steep hills it felt like hiking freaked her out and to be honest me as well.
Since August I have slowly built said routine. Like all others before it is one filled daily with wins and losses. Eating is now not something I look to with dread and there are many foods that I actually am excited to eat every day. But there are still many others that I approach with guilt and indecision and still more that terrify too much to touch at all. I now walk and exercise a lot. For the most part I truly enjoy both of these activities. I've grown quite apt at walking and reading at the same time; this is magnificent as it allows me to soak up the fresh air and beauty of the outdoors while getting lost in the pages of another world. And since I actually make up for the exercise I do, most of my workouts end with me experiencing the perfect combinations of feeling pleasantly spent yet full of vibrant energy for the rest of the day. She's never satisfied though and for the rest of the day she's always whispering taunting temptations to push myself for one more hour, or two, or three...And while she's conceded to my rule of taking one day off a week, she gets her way the other six days and a workout happens.
I am happy to say that moodwise I am not so full of angst like I was at the start of 2015, and I'd say that most days there are at least a few hours she's not at the forefront of my thoughts. However even when quiet she is still ever present, still waiting, watching and hoping to find a chance to trip me up. I'll be honest and say she still has small wins and her triumphs often find themselves reflected in the results of my weight check the following weeks which has been yoyoing since my return to the states. I wish I could say that's a sign I have reached my healthy weight and am now just experiencing the normal up and down that occurs for most people. But if I'm sticking with honesty I know it is not. A person's body has ways of letting them know if they are healthy or not - the absence of certain things that should take place, or the presence of those that should not. One evening in Norway I felt something I hadn't in months; an almost painful pressure in my chest, my body's way of telling me my heart was working too hard. It scared me to death and I immediately left where I was, drove home and ate; unfortunately it was the next day that I got sick. Since that time there have been weeks I felt my heart quite often and others where I haven't at all. I know my healthy weight is one where that isn't even a possibility at all.
Last month I hit the one year mark of me actively fighting for recovery. I wish more than anyone else that a year would have been all that was needed for me to have rid her from my life completely, but if this last year has taught me anything it's that you can't put a deadline on recovery. I could have years to go before I'm 100% just me. I
will get there though. It
will happen. And when I finally get there, every struggle that led up through will have been completely and entirely worth it.
