Hi Dad,
Happy Father’s Day. I miss you, a lot. I’m home today, a
reality that makes me happier than I could ever possibly express. I get to
celebrate with mom, Kairi and Eric, Tori and Tim, Tanner and David. I wish
though, we all do, that there were two David William Berg’s here. I’m sure you
are in a way, the life behind the air's gentle presence, but it’s not the same.
I think about you
every day. Sometimes I try to imagine the person you'd be were you alive
today. I like to dream up the ‘memories’ I would have, of you walking Kairi and
Tori down the aisle, the celebration hugs you gave each of us when we graduated
from college, the words of wisdom and caution to be safe as Kairi and I
set off on cross country road trips in search of our new homes, and the
absolute joy in your tear filled eyes as you held your new baby grandsons for
the first time. I wish those were real memories that you had been able to
experience all of that before having to go.
Other times I remember you through my real memories. The
time you instantly left work to rescue your foolish, college daughter who’d
locked herself out of the car, twice, in one week. Coming home to Park City
after a five week road trip with mom, Kairi and Tori to discover – to our
delight- that
you’d built us an awesome swing set. The moment I realized you’d
tricked me into truly believing a flat head screwdriver was called a David’s screwdriver,
for the first 12 years of my life. Your response when I asked why you did that “I
just thought it was fun”. Then there was the April you came to Nenana my sophomore year and
took me to Fairbanks for a fun weekend, letting me drive the whole way. When I was six and you let me drive – without any assistance – the golf car
during your and grandma’s game. The year I was eleven and we spent your
birthday weekend dip-netting (unsuccessfully) in Soldotna. I made you the most
ridiculous gift out of random items I’d cobbled together in the trailer, yet
you kept it on your dresser for years. The picture I took that weekend, of you
with the massive cinnamon roll ‘birthday cake’ is one of my absolute favorites.
There is one more memory; some might not call it a real
one but to me it is. It was the March after you died and mom had taken us girls
to Big Bend. Within hours upon driving through the park's gate I was finally
able to understand why you and mom loved that place so much and with eaach passing hour
I became ever more entranced. Throughout that entire week, nights at
our campsite, hiking into Boquillas, the evening mom took us to witness the
sunset magic of Sierra del Carmen I saw you, standing there with your hands on
your hips saying “this is just so cool”. You were so happy to finally be able
to share this amazing place with your family.
As I’m sure you’ve seen, these past years haven’t exactly
been my proudest. I got myself into a pretty bad situation a couple years back, made some less than
stellar decisions. I haven’t always kept the promises I made you on your last
night. I am trying though, and when I feel myself really floundering I look back
at how you fought to stay with us and gain just a little more strength to push through. I know you would understand though,
probably more than most, how hard it can be to continue that mental battle; to you what would matter most is to just keep fighting, which I have and will. I think that at least makes you
proud.
Another memory; it was my first year in Nenana and school
had just about reached summer. I’d called home and after the normal
conversation bits I told you why I had finally stopped crying to come back home
the prior fall. It was because you had pointed out that I was always so quick
to give up on things and I had to stop doing that or else I would never get
anywhere in life. I’d been furious in the moment and didn’t call home for at
least two weeks, but I eventually realized you were right. So I changed my attitude
and gave Nenana a shot. You told me months later that it was the first time you
had cried because of something right you had done as a parent.
I so hope that you left this earth knowing that there were a thousand other moments you had to be proud of. You gave
your family so many wonderful gifts, memories that we will be grateful for to the end of our lives. I’ll stop here now, go back to the others; but know that I'm thinking about you, that we all are. And not just today but every day. You are in the
hearts, minds and dreams of your entire family always. I love you dad.
Your daughter
KC
KC
No comments:
Post a Comment