A Letter to My Nephews

To my two darling nephews Tanner David and David William,

You are both brand new to this world, barely week has passed since you each took your first breath. I am blown away by how beautiful you both are, and with each new picture the love that began when I first learned of your existence has grown higher than the stars in the night sky. I wish more than anything that I could be in Alaska right now to celebrate your lives. I so desperately yearn to see with my own eyes your tiny fingers and toes, to feel the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe, to hear your little baby cries, to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. The fact that I'm not in Alaska hurts. But this letter is not about me, it's about you two and everything I hope your lives will be.

I want you to have the best childhood. To grow up loving Disney movies, even the princess ones. Watch your favorites over and over again no matter how crazy it drives your parents! Spend birthdays happily diving into presents, cakes full of candles, and ice cream with chocolate sauce. Enjoy sticky Saturday mornings amongst huge stacks of chocolate chip pancakes drizzled with maple syrup and whip cream. I can't wait for you to discover the delicious fun of chocolate chip cookie dough and the warm delight of hot cocoa after a frozen day out in the winter woods. And, when you're older, I'll be sure to introduce you to the magical elixir that is coffee (that is if Grandma Berg hasn't beaten me to it!)! Read and listen to books on cd (if cds are still around in a few years). It will be so exciting to find out which story will be the one to captivate your imagination and unlock for you the magical infinite worlds that books hold. The best thing ever will be to see you fall under the unbreakable vow of the extraordinary, wonderful world of Harry Potter and daydream that you yourself will one day wander the halls of Hogwarts. You both have parents whose lives have been enriched by animals and my wish is that you share that love and learn early the unmatchable comfort that a purring cat and tail-wagging dog can provide.

You were born in one of the most incredible places on this planet, and I hope that you feel safe and inspired by the Alaska mountains surrounding you, but don't be afraid to search the world and discover the place where you each truly belong. Travel, have grand adventures, become wild and free at the edge of the of any ocean, and feel the old power that blows through the earth’s vast deserts. Learn how to lose yourself in the beauty of the outdoors, feel how it can both electrify and calm you, alight your passions and sooth your soul.

If you are anything like me then there will be times that living with parents can be a struggle, no matter what though, never doubt their love for you. And when the time comes that they tell you can't doing something you really, really want to do try to see through your frustrations and look for the wisdom that lies behind that decision. On the other hand, when your moms start to tell stories about your crazy Aunt Kelly keep in mind that I have stories about them too that I will happily share. Also craziness can sometimes be fun!  I hope that you are blessed with the gift of true lifelong friends who will always have your back, even when you screw up (and believe me this will happen, we all screw up) and that as you grow good health and only minor scrapes and bruises follow you.

In fact, if I had my way your lives would always be perfect and your childhood innocence would never fade. I know that's impossible though and, unfortunately, there will be times this world will throw at you horrors and sadness and pain. When that happens you might feel fear and that is completely ok. You might cry and that is ok too. There is nothing wrong with being sad or scared; what matters most is how you handle it. When those moments do come knocking  just remember to hold onto the core of who you are and breathe with courage. Stand tall with minds full of dreams and magic and bravery you will be unstoppable. And don't ever let self-doubt or cruel people make you question your worth. You are special and hold a universe of unimaginable power within your mind. It is that uniqueness that has thrown onto this world a splash of sparkle that can never be replaced by anyone or anything ever. Never, ever forget that you make this planet a better place by existing.

I have one last thing to say, something that your Grandpa Berg once wished for me, and it has never led me wrong so far. Follow Your Bliss. Explore the pathways of all your interests regardless of fear, doubt, or naysayers; and when you do stumble upon that something which sets off fireworks in your soul, chase that passion with everything you have. Do whatever it takes to follow the path of your heart because only the attainment of your own personal destiny will make you truly happy.

The words in this letter are only a tiny snowflake in the Arctic tundra of what I wish for you. I cannot wait to watch you step your way through the phases of life, to discover the wonders of this world, and to experience the small joys that can make life so amazing. It will be an honor to one day meet the men you will ultimately become. Don't grow up too fast though I need to see you little guys first!

                           Love you always and forever,
                                                         Aunt Kelly

Sadness

Briefly, the highlights - and lowlights - of this past week. My dislike of California and their ridiculous way of doing things (something that first began with my introduction to Kaiser at my last job) came back with a vengeance. I had the best phone call ever at work when I got to tell a mother who's been trying to get her son into Benchmark since October that we finally have a bed for him. I am vigorously enjoying my latest read 'Bottomland' by Michelle Hover. I kind of (after months of missing it) accidentally-on-purpose bought the first season of Game of Thrones on DVD (it was on sale so at least that's something). And, after a series of signs indicating that something was just not right, Synge had her first appointment with a Utah vet yesterday that culminated in a diabetes diagnosis. That last bit left me more than a little sad and with a mind that's been racing with questions, ideas, and plans on how to take care of her from now on.

Of course all of that, good and bad, pales in comparison to the news I woke up this morning. If you haven't yet heard what I'm referring to then take a deep breath and go check out NPR's website, or CNN, Huffington Post, your local TV news, any news site really. Fifty people killed last night, over fifty more in the hospital fighting for their lives; the biggest mass shooting in the history of the United States. I spent most of the morning listening to NPR's radio coverage growing more heartbroken and somber by the minute. For some reason this shooting has affected me more than the others in our country's recent history. Thinking of the nightmare those peoples families are walking through now, imagining what it must have been like for all those trapped inside that club last night, there have been many moments I've barely held back tears. I just don't understand it. I don't understand how someone's soul can hold that kind of hate. I don't understand how we as a country have come to a point where we accept devastating acts like this, that they are tolerated. You might say that we don't isn't the case, but clearly it is because we - as a whole - don't ever do anything to make them stop. Events such as todays are not going to disappear by active passiveness; they will only get bigger and worse as today's tragedy demonstrates. I won't share my exact, opinions of what I think needs to change, at least not today. If anyone feels compelled to comment on today’s post I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same.

And now I'm checking out. For the rest of the day I plan to Actively Avoid Adulthood. I might color. I might collage. I might watch and/or listen to some Harry Potter, that tends to cheer me up. I'm going to be grateful that I woke up today full of breath and peace, a luxury that was denied today to so many. I am going to focus on being full of love, for a life full of love truly is the only thing that will let your soul fly free and happy.

Remembering to be Grateful

I don't feel much like writing today. I wasn't super enthusiastic about it yesterday either, or the day before that, or all week really. In fact I feel like all of my creative energy has been zapped into oblivion, I haven't been inspired to do anything for days. This week has been a bit rough and perhaps that's the cause behind my apathy.

I've struggled this week to be ok with where I am right now, to be happy breathing Utah air. I love it's mountains, the hiking trails I've walked on, love the sense of wildness that runs beneath the earth. The people I've met have been amazing to me, but the sheer volume of people who live here is too overwhelming. Everywhere I go there are houses for miles, dozens upon dozens of apartment complexes, and big box store after big box store all reminding me that I no longer live in a small state. And while I don't at all regret my decision to leave, I miss the charm that breathed in every city in Maine. I especially, desperately miss Brunswick and have woken up dreaming of my adopted home there dozens of times since I left in October.

The last minute change to my June plans has also played a role in this weeks dysphoria. My trip to Norway has officially been rescheduled for September. I'm fairly certain that exploring Norway at that time of year will be incredible, but not going in June has brought into stark focus the fact that I am not going to be home either to witness the birth of my sisters babies and that reality is becoming increasingly hard to be ok with. In fact I'm not ok with it at all.

Those are the main reasons behind my lackluster mood there are others but taken alone they really aren't that bad. I know from past experience that after some time passes, a few days or a couple weeks, I'll be back to my cheerful self. And I know that having downs like these are just a normal part of life but of course knowing them doesn't make them suck any less when they do decide to show their faces. Now that I've shared all this (despite my zero desire to write), I'm going to end this post by doing something that often helps life my spirits when they're threatening to fall - sharing some things that I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful for Steph for her family and the wonderful way they have welcomed me to Utah. I'm grateful that both my sisters have had healthy pregnancies allowing them to enjoy this incredible moment in their lives. I'm grateful to have found a job where I feel like I make a real difference in peoples lives. I'm grateful for the quiet walk among the birds I experienced this morning at the Great Shorelands Preserve and I am so grateful that while the temperature outside is scorching not even an ounce of humidity is present. I'm grateful for the quiet afternoon I'm spending now, watching Once Upon a Time with a couple of Steph's kids, and I'm grateful that their house has AC! I'm grateful for Synge's quiet sweetness and Faelina's never-ending excitement about life. I'm grateful for who I am, grateful to know that I am loved by many people - something that so many people never have.

Well what do you know, I'm feeling better already.