I don't feel much like writing today. I wasn't super enthusiastic about it yesterday either, or the day before that, or all week really. In fact I feel like all of my creative energy has been zapped into oblivion, I haven't been inspired to do anything for days. This week has been a bit rough and perhaps that's the cause behind my apathy.
I've struggled this week to be ok with where I am right now, to be happy breathing Utah air. I love it's mountains, the hiking trails I've walked on, love the sense of wildness that runs beneath the earth. The people I've met have been amazing to me, but the sheer volume of people who live here is too overwhelming. Everywhere I go there are houses for miles, dozens upon dozens of apartment complexes, and big box store after big box store all reminding me that I no longer live in a small state. And while I don't at all regret my decision to leave, I miss the charm that breathed in every city in Maine. I especially, desperately miss Brunswick and have woken up dreaming of my adopted home there dozens of times since I left in October.
The last minute change to my June plans has also played a role in this weeks dysphoria. My trip to Norway has officially been rescheduled for September. I'm fairly certain that exploring Norway at that time of year will be incredible, but not going in June has brought into stark focus the fact that I am not going to be home either to witness the birth of my sisters babies and that reality is becoming increasingly hard to be ok with. In fact I'm not ok with it at all.
Those are the main reasons behind my lackluster mood there are others but taken alone they really aren't that bad. I know from past experience that after some time passes, a few days or a couple weeks, I'll be back to my cheerful self. And I know that having downs like these are just a normal part of life but of course knowing them doesn't make them suck any less when they do decide to show their faces. Now that I've shared all this (despite my zero desire to write), I'm going to end this post by doing something that often helps life my spirits when they're threatening to fall - sharing some things that I'm grateful for.
I'm grateful for Steph for her family and the wonderful way they have welcomed me to Utah. I'm grateful that both my sisters have had healthy pregnancies allowing them to enjoy this incredible moment in their lives. I'm grateful to have found a job where I feel like I make a real difference in peoples lives. I'm grateful for the quiet walk among the birds I experienced this morning at the Great Shorelands Preserve and I am so grateful that while the temperature outside is scorching not even an ounce of humidity is present. I'm grateful for the quiet afternoon I'm spending now, watching Once Upon a Time with a couple of Steph's kids, and I'm grateful that their house has AC! I'm grateful for Synge's quiet sweetness and Faelina's never-ending excitement about life. I'm grateful for who I am, grateful to know that I am loved by many people - something that so many people never have.
Well what do you know, I'm feeling better already.
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