Gratitude

A Man Said to the Universe 

By Stephen Crane

A man said to the universe:

“Sir, I exist!”

“However,” replied the universe,

“The fact has not created in me

A sense of obligation.”

 

 

I can't quite remember where I happened upon this poem but it's one that has stuck with me in the years since. The message resonated with me from the first time I read those lines. A message that in this world we alone our responsible for our lives. It it up to us to make sure we survive, to get the things we need and want, and to find happiness. Once we are adults, we have no right to expect anyone to be there to help us out regardless of how rough life may become. And yet, time and time again that is exactly what people have done for me. 

There is so much in my life that I have been truly blessed with starting from the moment it began. I was born in one of the greatest countries in the world, I was born at a time were I, as a woman, had rights and the ability to make my own life choices, including the opportunity for education. I was born healthy and into a family that could afford to give me everything I needed, and quite a few things that I wanted.  I grew up in one the most beautiful places on earth, a place whose beauty still fills my mind every time I dream. I was able to go to college, I've been able to travel the country, see most of Canada, and had one European adventure with the promise of more to come in the future. I have never been homeless, so far have not yet suffered any serious injuries, I know the joy that only pets can bring, and am never without a book to read. 

But by far, the greatest and most wonderful gift the universe has given me are the people in my life. I grew up never doubting my parents love for me. I have two sisters who I would take a bullet for in a heartbeat. I have a best friend who has been by my side from the day I turned 2 (and would have before that if my mom had let her). I have extended family and close family friends who have given me wisdom, love, gifts, and hugs every year of my life. When I left home and moved to Maine, I was taken in and helped in every way possible by friends. I met new people who adopted me into their lives and made my years in Maine ones I will forever treasure. 

This last year, whether my fault or no, I kind of screwed up in life. I was in a situation that try as I might, I could not get myself out of. If it had been just me, if the universe had decided everything depended entirely on me, I don't think I would have been alive much longer. It didn't though. Instead what happened was the gift of people who swept in and picked me up and gave me their strength so that I could fight a disease I was to weak to conquer on my own. My mom, my sisters, my best friend, various other friends and family members, and the treatment team and other patients at Mercy helped me to find my way back to health again. Without them I would be nothing. It made me think back to when my parents were sick, and all the people that seemed to come out of the woodwork to help us. I don't know how we would have survived those years with out the cards, the meals, the hugs, the help with vet bills, dog fosters, and hundreds of other ways we were helped.

Even this last week I've been blown away by how blessed I am. I could list a few hundred things that have happened but it's really been the last couple days that have blown me away. For most of this week I'd been doing pretty good. There were a couple things that happened early on that boosted my spirits and made the days less awful than they have been of late. I think maybe because of that I let my guard down, and yesterday the disorder made a move that very nearly tripped me up. I felt my control slipping, the urge to restrict almost too tempting, and I was honestly scared how the day would end. When I got home I checked my mail and was surprised by the sight of an unexpected package inside. It was from a fellow patient at Mercy, a book she thought I would like and a letter. I could feel myself growing stronger with each word I read, and marveled at that package showing up the exact moment I needed it most.

Today it felt like every hour I happened upon a moment where I had to stop and take that second to thank the universe for sending a particular person into my life. From a comment made by a staff member at the animal shelter, to the "Thinking of You" card I got from my beautiful grandmother, followed by the hug from a friend that I saw this afternoon. I had asked my sister to send/loan me her copy of Game of Thrones season 2 and that came today along with a beautiful time turner Harry Potter necklace that was so unexpected I almost started to cry. I got a surprise package in the mail from my best friend, and was gifted a bag of organic apples by friends in Lisbon Falls. 

I don't know what I did to make the universe decide I was worthy of so much love, but I am so forever and eternally grateful. Without all these people my life would not be worth living. It is not just family and close friends that make me feel this way either, but others with whom my interactions, as small and insignificant as they may appear, leave me feeling richer every time. Whether it is the deep love given by my mom and sisters, letters and laughter sent by friends, the always perfect coffee made by the staff at my favorite place, or coming outside to find that a complete stranger has scraped the snow off my car (and on one occasion placed a small flower on my windshield), the universe has given me more than I ever could have dreamed for. Even on days that are so god awful I have a hard time breathing I can still remember all that I do have, and it is that knowledge that sees me through.

Thank you, each and everyone of you reading this, for making my life better than it ever could have been in your absence.