“Beauty appears when something is completely and absolutely and openly itself.”

― Deena Metzger

I’ve recently discovered, and become a fan of, the website ThoughtCatalog.com This morning I came across the post titled “I Don’t Want to Make it Look Easy”. For anyone who wants to read it I’ll give the link to the article at the end of this post,  but basically it’s about a person who has decided to stop making her life look amazing from the outside. She said “I don’t want to make it look easy, anything. I don’t want to participate, however well or however poorly, in the charade of easy — of always being happy or of tying up the bad times up with a lesson I learned from it and aren’t I glad I’m so much better than that now?”. I felt I could really relate to a lot of what she wrote.

When I first started writing about my experience with anorexia it took me a long time to decide how much information to give everyone. As I wrote before, I shared it all because I thought that would help me most find total recovery. But another reason I did decide on sharing everything was to reject society's notion that we should hide our struggles and failures, and gloss over the bad parts of life. I say all the time that I have a wonderful life, that I’m one of the luckiest people alive, and that just about every day I experience at least one beautiful moment. But even though that’s true it does not mean I walk around in a constant cloud of happiness and peace. Especially now.

This last week and half has been a really tough one for me. My disorder decided to throw a party and it took every ounce of control to keep eating, to not exercise, and to continue facing whatever scared me. I managed to keep it together but spent the week walking around in a daze of uncomfortable self doubt and tears were no stranger to my eyes.  This last Friday I could feel my spirits start to lift, the voices begin to quiet, and almost cried with relief I felt so much better. I walked through my Saturday feeling a little lighter (figuratively that is) and more hopeful. That didn’t last long though.

I woke up yesterday unbelievably exhausted even though I’d gotten a full night sleep. Hours later after a hot shower, multiple cups of coffee, and a walk in the cold air I still couldn’t seem to wake up. What was worse, my entire body ached like I had just spent a day as someone’s punching bag. Not surprisingly I wasn’t very motivated to do anything and spent a good part of the day curled up watching TV. Thankfully while I felt physically miserable the voice of the disorder was quiet. I started to perk up in the evening but as the exhaustion and pain faded the disorder started yelling. I spent the rest of the night feeling out of control, forcing myself to eat in spite of the desire not to, and trying to ignore the voice telling me that I should spend today eating less and skipping part of my meals. I was hoping the shouting would dissipate over night but this morning I woke up with those same thoughts and feelings in my head.

I am so sick and tired of fighting, and I am so done with feeling like this. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is the memory of how bad things were in the deepest stage of the disorder. I don’t want to go back to that, ever.  Like I said at the beginning I know how good my life is, but while my life is wonderful there are certain moments, or even whole days, that just kind of suck. I don’t want to shy away from those moments any more than I want to ignore the happy ones, for they are central to who I am as a person. We all have days of happiness and periods of sadness, but society encourages us to keep quiet about the bad times, to keep them hidden from the world. We have so much pressure to excel at everything, to be perfect, to see the good in everything and it’s ridiculous.  If anything it is through our struggles that we have more to offer the world, because what we learn and experience then allows us to help when others go through the same thing in the future. And it is those same rough patches that make the happy times shine as bright as they do.

Despite saying all that I still would like to share something positive and thankfully I can, actually there a few things. The biggest and most important is that even with the sometimes awfulness of the last 10 days I haven’t slid into relapse.  I have found a recipe that makes cheese slightly less terrifying to eat which is a HUGE deal for me.  Last Sunday drove out to Bradbury Mountain for a short hike. I loved being out in the woods and the snow but about a ½ mile in the disorder twisted a fun hike into a workout. I so wanted to keeping going but I knew that doing so would give more strength to the disorder so I turned around and went back. Initially I did feel a little cheated out of a hike but mostly I felt so empowered because I had refused to let the disorder win that day. Last Thursday I stepped outside and wasn’t bothered at all by the cold. A few minutes later I drove by a sign showing it to be 10 below and I broke out into the biggest smile because a year ago that temperature felt like torture. And I am so happy to say I have found a way to have coffee in bed first thing in the morning every day since I first wrote about it last Wednesday.

I also have certain things in my life that have always brought me joy no matter what part if this journey I was on. I have my books, music, fleece pjs, cinnamon apple spice tea , warm blankets and my favorite coffee whenever I need comfort and peace. I have my ability to write whenever my emotions and words become too much to keep inside me.  I have my two cats that make sure I never go a day without laughing. I have my family and friends who surround me with love daily.

I know I wasn’t always like this, and I know that what I feel now won’t last forever (even if it sometimes seems that way). I know that fighting more now will make the days of full recovery come sooner. I know that what I am doing right now is worth it, that it will lead to happier, freer times, and that my life will be better off for it.


http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2015/01/i-dont-want-to-make-it-look-easy/