Another Day Another Fight

Today has just been another one of those days. I woke up this morning feeling like I had gained 10 pounds overnight. I know that is utterly impossible and makes zero sense, but eating disorders make up their own logic and it's hard to ignore it when you've lived with their rules for so long. Work was particularly slow today; which is something I've grown to hate because it just gives me more time to think and more time for the disorder to twist my thoughts in a negative direction. As the day went on I felt increasingly uncomfortable, more full than I've felt in awhile, ever more on the verge of tears, and that weird pain I'd felt last Sunday came back with a vengeance so that all of me ached. For the thousandth – no millionth - time I just wanted to give up. I didn't though.

At Mercy, each morning we were given a check-in sheet and on it we had to write a daily goal, an affirmation, and coping methods. My first day there (the day of my assessment and then immediate admittance), a nurse handed one to me and explained the purpose of it. She said that often on a patients first day their goal was just to get through the day. I wrote those words then, and awful as it was I made it through. I may not have those check-in sheets now, but sometimes I do have a daily goal to just get through the day. Sometimes that is simply the best that I, or anyone else, can ask of me.

I did that today. I got through it. I went through work without a meltdown. I made it through the day without tears. I ate despite absolutely zero desire to do so. I didn't pull out a workout dvd to burn off all the calories I'd eaten. I did what was right for my body and my health, and refused to listen to my mind telling me otherwise.

So that was my goal. Now for my affirmations and coping methods. My affirmation today is “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” I made it through; I didn't give in to the disorder. As awful and painful as today was, I know that giving in to the urges just draws out the recovery process, and the fact that I didn't increases the chances that there will be less days like this one in the future. I am strong and I will fight like hell because I choose to be free of this.

When I wrote down my coping methods at Mercy they were usually as follows: breathe, listen, talk, read and write. With the possible exception of breathing, writing has by far been my saving grace at getting through this whole process. The posts on this blog, letters to friends, journals, poems and sometimes just a few random sentences on a scrap of paper have done more than I can say to keep me from losing it completely. Writing is my outlet when the thoughts and emotions -good and bad- are just too much to keep to myself.

At the beginning of the year I started a new nightly ritual of writing in my journal at least one good thing that happened that day, regardless of how awful the rest of it may have been. Most days I am able to come up with several things and seeing them written on paper helps me to feel better. Afterward, I'm usually able to fall asleep feeling a little happier than I would have otherwise. Today I'll share those things here. I woke up with Faelina curled up next to me purring (this usually is a daily occurrence but one that never loses its wonder). I woke up early enough to enjoy one really good cup of coffee in bed before really getting up, and I made one more really good cup of coffee to drink on my way to work. In the words of Maya Angelou “music was my refuge” and I was able to lose myself in it. I volunteered at Coastal after work and truly had fun while I was there. When I got home I found a letter waiting from my best friend and found extra strength in her words (seriously people send more letters – you never know whose day you'll brighten). I wandered up and down Maine street for a bit and the cold air helped erase some of the pain and bad energy. And in a little bit I'll curl up with my book and, through its pages, live in another world for awhile.

Today wasn't fun, but good things did happen. Today was hard, but it didn't kill me. Today felt like a step back, but it wasn't a failure. Today was a success, because I fought, and I will continue to fight until I win.