Utah Living

When I arrived at Stephanie's in the late afternoon sun of October 20^th, I still was having doubts on whether I'd made the right decision to move to Utah. Now those doubts are gone.

I won't lie and say I feel 100% completely at home here, or that no longer wish I could have somehow found a way to stay in Norway for good, but unless I am actually back in Alaska or a job in Norway suddenly presents itself, I pretty much always expect to have those feelings. And I do miss Maine. I think of and wish for Brunswick a ton – Maine street, Gelato Fiasco, stopping in at the library, walking around Bowdoin, attending shows at the Theater Project and so much more. Never a city girl I miss the small town feel that lived in every city there – including Portland. I wanted the fall leaves back the second I left them behind, and whenever it rains it feels wrong to not smell the salt of the ocean in the air. I miss the emphasis on recycling, living greener, and buying local and organic foods. I miss the fact that most of the stores and restaurants I saw were small local business versus the big chains. And even though I knew what I was getting myself into by moving to Utah, I miss being surrounded by a more liberal atmosphere. Most of all I don't like being away from all the people I said goodbye to. There's my friends of course, but also those that were more acquaintances but all the same never failed to brighten my day when I saw them. It saddens me beyond reason that I don't know when – or if – I'll ever see them again.

But like I've written before, my heart told me it was time to go. I picked Utah because I had hoped it would be a good place to call home until such time that I was able to carve out the details of what I did want more and was able to weave those details into my life. These past seven and a half weeks have been a prime example of why it is important to take a deep breath and follow what your heart is telling you to do – even if your mind is unsure of what you want - because as each week passed I've become more confident that Utah will allow me to do exactly what I'd hoped. And I get to do it while living with my best friend.

A little history for those not in the know, my parents moved next door to Stephanie's family when I was about a year old. Despite the six year age difference between us Stephanie decided pretty much immediately that she wanted us two to be friends. Every day she knocked on our door asking if I could play and every day my mom told her no because I was only a baby. This lasted until I turned two at which point my mom just gave up and we have been friends ever since. I have no memory of life without Stephanie in it, but in our 26 years of friendship 18 of them have been spent with us living in different states – far away different states. Getting to see her every day now is nothing short of awesome and she (and her husband and all the kids) has been absolutely phenomenal in welcoming me into her home.

Knowing that going from living on my own to suddenly being surrounded by seven other people all the time, she created a bedroom for me that would be the perfect oasis for me to escape to when it all became a little too much. It's light and airy with a comfortable bed, fairy lights, and other sweet magical touches that perfectly hint at my love for magic, skeleton keys, Maine, Harry Potter and the night sky. I've been given cabinet space in the kitchen and a fridge in their basement to store all my food. And along with telling me I'm welcome to help myself help myself to whatever food is in the house, she makes sure my stock of Cinnamon Apple Spice tea is never depleted!

I also love that I get to see her kids every day. Knowing that I don't have to cram every activity into a short period of time, I have been able to quietly enjoy the daily moments that make up their lives – starting in the early hours of the morning when they're waking up and getting ready for school and ending with the sometimes calm, usually hectic routine of getting them all down for the night. I love hearing the excited “HI KELLY” that comes from the two youngest whenever I come back home from an errand. I now have time to get to know the other kids favorite foods, places, games etc... (and conversely the things they don't like). And it has been awesome to watch the kids decorate for Christmas, excitedly look for the two Elves on the Shelf each morning, and talk about what Santa will bring them on the big day.

I am not the only who, so far, is adjusting well to the move. The first few days after arriving I kept them in my room, as planned, and only brought the kids in one at a time because even that scared both into hiding. But it became apparent to me fairly quickly the original plan would be harder to stick to than I'd thought. Mainly because I spent so much time out in the rest of the house and I felt guilty not letting them have the attention (from me) that they were used to. So with Steph's permission I cautiously began experiment with opening the door and letting them explore. Once Synge realized we weren't leaving any time soon she's been fine and seems completely unphased by the extra adults, kids and animals she now shares a house with. Most days I find her sleeping underneath Steph's clothes in her closet. Faelina's had a little more difficulty settling in. The first few weeks she spent hiding out of sight until all the kids were either out of the house or asleep and running like a T-Rex is after her whenever Steph's dogs gave chase (they're a chihuahua and a teacup yorkie). When it comes to the dogs she still hasn't quite figured out that all she needs to do is turn around and hiss, but the dogs are getting better at not chasing and she is getting smarter about not fleeing. As for the kids, each day that passes she seems to get a little braver and come out into view a little more often. She still doesn't like anyone but me to touch her but she'll get there!

Of course it hasn't been all fun and happiness. Quite often though being around so many people and the noise (both good and and bad) that comes with is way too much for me. Out of nowhere my inner introvert panics and I'm overcome with a desperate need to run until I'm surrounded only by wilderness. Sometimes those moments are mere flashes disappearing seconds later, other times they pretty much the whole day. Whenever they come that's usually when simply I walk to my room and close the door. I'll stay there in silence for a few minutes – or hours – until I'm ready to rejoin the world of people again. Something that goes a long way in lessening the frequency of these episodes are the few times that I've been able to have the house to myself. When the whole family goes to church or heads out to a family Christmas party I have a few hours to be completely free of any people which calms my inner introvert and makes me happy to see the family when they arrive home.

As far as Utah itself goes, for the most part it's been great. Every day I step outside see the mountains and instantly my heart feels safe and calm, the lack of humidity is incredibly refreshing, and it just feels right to be back in the wild beauty of the west. I haven't done a whole lot of exploring but hopefully, when I'm a bit more settled, I'll be able to make weekend excursions to the Arches, Bryce, Zion and many other less famous hiking grounds! There is one drive-thru coffee shop, The Daily Rise, that makes a wickedly good americano! And for the first time in four years I am just a short drive from my all time favorite bookstore Barnes and Noble. I have even found a job as the Admissions Coordinator and Executive Assistant at Benchmark Behavioral Hospital in Woods Cross. It is a job that I expect will keep me constantly busy, learning, and excited about. My first day is tomorrow and I can only hope that I will be able to meet their expectations. Lucky for me (yet maybe not so good for my bank account) this place is within a five minute drive from a Starbucks, an amazing natural foods store, and a Barnes & Noble!

That is all for now, hopefully I'll have more exciting adventures to share in the future!

Book Page Poem

A long time ago, I saw on Pintrest a writing activity where one takes a page from a book and uses the words on it to write a poem. I instantly fell in love with that idea, thinking it uniquely awesome. Well, the first time I tried it (and every time since) I learned that while it is fun it is also incredibly hard. Each time I take up a page I often find myself stringing together words only to find that the next perfect word for the poem I'm creating doesn't exist anywhere on the page. As a result, the flow and subject of the poem usually spirals into a different direction than I'd wanted.Sometimes that is fine and I am left satisfied with what I've created, however other times I am not. On one such occasion while I did warp the poem I was developing to fit the words on it's page, I also chose to continue my original vision afterwards and what you'll see below is the result.

Clouded daylight eclipsed suffering,

and allowed instead some

glimpses of grace and gaiety,

creating a certain strange beauty

that unrolled it's wild eyes and

fierce soul setting free 

the fire of the eternal world

~~~~

p.s. I realize I've shared nothing about life in Utah since arriving but I promise that actual post doing just that is in the works and will be posted soon

Mountain Fire

Today's 'Word of the Day' poem. I foresee some much needed changes and inevitable edits in it's future, but I feel fairly pleased with the first days draft.

Mountains full of empyreal life

become crisscrossed with magic that sparkles in flight

The screech of a hawk shatters the air

chasing off crackling echos of chaos, of fear

In sunset's last shadow secrets glitter unseen

to be lost in the maze of Faes clandestine schemes

Their world holds a darkness bent on twisting the soul

through tendrils of terror they'll ravage you whole

But Hope's silent whisper continues to beat

hiding deep in your heart where no Fae can reach

And lifted by words laced in white glowing ire

You will vanquish their evil with your furious fire

~~~~

 

Secret Glory

Today was not my most favorite of days, but I don't feel much like sharing particulars. And after all, days like these happen for most and I know what I'm feeling now won't last. I did feel like writing though and thus this poem was created....

With magnanimous glory I dive into dreams,

swimming through worlds made of impossible means

There is sunlight in raindrops,

and snowflakes on fire,

happiness saddens; joy transforms to ire

Whales fly through rainbows,

an eagle soars undersea

no desire's unbidden, every hurt is set free

My deepest hopes no longer hide,

and that one secret smile becomes my life

~~~~

 

Recovery Takes Time

It's been awhile since I've written about the status of my recovery and today I hope to give you all at least a brief update on where I am. The last time I had a post specifically dedicated to it was before I left for Norway, but please do not take my silence since as a sign that I am recovered because that could not be further from the truth. There are a few reasons for this lengthy silence. One is that for awhile I just so badly wanted a break from her, and since I'm still plagued daily by her voice, thoughts and presence not writing was the only break I could get. Another reason is that as more time passed there became more to tell and the thought of writing (and having you read) a post that long caused me to cringe. And then there's the fact that right now I really honestly am just not sure where I stand. I realized today though that my continued absence from writing about this is not helping me in any way, if anything it's making me weaker against her efforts to overpower me. So I am going to try to transform all my thoughts and questions into a narrowed down fully coherent set of written words.

I'll start with Norway since that's where I left off. It was, simply put, tough and my best efforts seemed to be largely in vain. During the two weeks Kairi was there she weighed me regularly and each time my weight dripped, and then fate stepped in and made things worse. I don't know if it was food poisoning, a stomach bug, or just plain bad luck, but I got sick and for a few days I barely able to eat. As a result lost a scary amount of weight. This took place at the end of Kairi's trip and on her last day with me I gave Kairi full control of what and when I at that day. She took that charge up with gusto and the next morning she had put back more than half of what I'd lost on me. As awful as that one weekend was I think it also brought break through. My last week in Norway I was able to try new foods and enjoy some major fear foods - at times without any hesitation - I was freer of her than I'd been in a long while.

Exercise in Norway was also a struggle, she was constantly pushing me to walk more, bike more, hike more etc... and every day was a non-stop back and forth between us. On the upside one incredibly wonderful difference was that, throughout the entire trip, her voice seemed as if it was on mute whenever I was outside. I was actually able to gaze around me and wonder at the tree trunks covered in grass, the leaves that sparkled in the hazy sunlight, and the rainbow hued flowers that dotted the paths I walked on. And when my mind did wander away from the path back into the depths of my own mind, it was to get lost in distractions and daydreams that I actually wanted to have.

Returning to Maine was interesting; because I wasn't returning to my life as it was before I left i.e. a job and the schedule that went with it. I had to figure out a new schedule and way of eating, one that allowed me to blend the way I'd been doing things pre-Norway with the routine I'd developed in Norway in such a way that fit my new life post-Norway. Since I no longer had access the nurse at Unum I had to find a new avenue for regular weight checks. I was also coming off a month where almost every day I'd done a minimum of a 1 hour walk and most days had done quite a bit more than than that. The sudden halt to tough hiking trips and daily walks through a city built on such steep hills it felt like hiking freaked her out and to be honest me as well.

Since August I have slowly built said routine. Like all others before it is one filled daily with wins and losses. Eating is now not something I look to with dread and there are many foods that I actually am excited to eat every day. But there are still many others that I approach with guilt and indecision and still more that terrify too much to touch at all. I now walk and exercise a lot. For the most part I truly enjoy both of these activities. I've grown quite apt at walking and reading at the same time; this is magnificent as it allows me to soak up the fresh air and beauty of the outdoors while getting lost in the pages of another world. And since I actually make up for the exercise I do, most of my workouts end with me experiencing the perfect combinations of feeling pleasantly spent yet full of vibrant energy for the rest of the day. She's never satisfied though and for the rest of the day she's always whispering taunting temptations to push myself for one more hour, or two, or three...And while she's conceded to my rule of taking one day off a week, she gets her way the other six days and a workout happens.

I am happy to say that moodwise I am not so full of angst like I was at the start of 2015, and I'd say that most days there are at least a few hours she's not at the forefront of my thoughts. However even when quiet she is still ever present, still waiting, watching and hoping to find a chance to trip me up. I'll be honest and say she still has small wins and her triumphs often find themselves reflected in the results of my weight check the following weeks which has been yoyoing since my return to the states. I wish I could say that's a sign I have reached my healthy weight and am now just experiencing the normal up and down that occurs for most people. But if I'm sticking with honesty I know it is not. A person's body has ways of letting them know if they are healthy or not - the absence of certain things that should take place, or the presence of those that should not. One evening in Norway I felt something I hadn't in months; an almost painful pressure in my chest, my body's way of telling me my heart was working too hard. It scared me to death and I immediately left where I was, drove home and ate; unfortunately it was the next day that I got sick. Since that time there have been weeks I felt my heart quite often and others where I haven't at all. I know my healthy weight is one where that isn't even a possibility at all.

Last month I hit the one year mark of me actively fighting for recovery. I wish more than anyone else that a year would have been all that was needed for me to have rid her from my life completely, but if this last year has taught me anything it's that you can't put a deadline on recovery. I could have years to go before I'm 100% just me. I will get there though. It will happen. And when I finally get there, every struggle that led up through will have been completely and entirely worth it.

Eight Years

 It's been eight years since I last saw my dad...but there isn't a day that goes by I don't see him. Every time my computer plays a Marc Antoine song, each day I listen to NPR or watch the Lord of the Rings movies, whenever I pass a large bag of Peanut M&M's or box of Good & Plenty, and always when visiting - either in person or just in memory - the viewing deck of the Eagle River Nature Center, my dads face flashes in through my mind.

It's been eight years since I last heard him speak or laugh, since I last witnessed
him moving - breathing...but he comes to life once more in the stories others tell me. There's my favorite, hearing my mom share just how she met my dad along the trail in the Santa Elena Canyon at Big Bend National Park. There's the story my aunts told me this summer of my dad's dangerous (i.e. stupid) escapades at the Chicago airport when he was in highschool - a tale that makes me both laugh and shake my head in disbelief. And when driving through Wyoming last week I was reminded of the time my dad told me of hunting trip in Wyoming gone awry as he'd accidentally set his truck - and the field it was resting on - on fire. In those stories, and so many others, I hear his voice again and it's almost like he is still alive and with us, even if it's only for a few seconds.

I can't listen to Harry Potter in the car without recalling all the times driving with him we did just that, or hear anyone say the words 'cement' or 'concrete' without mentally checking to see if they used them correctly (something it took him 20 years of constant reminding for me to finally get right), and every day I wear a necklace with the words that one dark October night he said were his greatest wish for me "Follow Your Bliss" . My dad may no longer physically be with us, but that doesn't mean he is gone. He is still with me. Only now as a quiet presence in my mind gently guiding me through life to help me discover and follow my bliss.

I found this poem a year or two before my dad died and still get teary eyed reading it today. One Christmas, or Father's Day, or his birthday - I honestly can't remember - before he passed, I gave it to him framed as a present and he at least pretended to love it enough to hang it on the wall in my parents room. He didn't get to do everything written in this poem but he to my sisters and me he was everything it says and more. I love my dad and I will miss him every single day for the rest of my life. 

What A Dad Will Do For His Daughter

by Cheryl D'Aprix

What a Dad will do for his daughter is rock his sick baby girl
until the sun peeks through the darkness
letting him know the night of worry is over.

He will take her small hand in his and walk slowly as she takes her first
walk to the ice cream shop to share a cone full of heaven on earth.

He will sip from the tiny tea cup she has set in front of him
and in harmony with the stuffed animals carefully placed in their seats
he will sing the praises of her great hospitality.

He will sit through dance recitals and fashion shows
where he is the only audience
and will clap with the enthusiasm of a thousand people.

He will take her fishing and play soccer,
and introduce her to the world outside
as if just experiencing it for the first time himself.
Perhaps he is.

He will sit with her through sweat and tears over homework
that was supposed to be turned in the day before
and he'll smile as they finish, seeing her relief.

He will place a firm hand on the shoulder of the young man that comes
to take her to the school dance
silently letting him know where he stands and what he expects.

He will watch with overflowing pride as his young lady
accepts her high school diploma
and will silently pray to God to calm his fears
and get him throughout the day.

He will be full of conversation and more than happy to listen
when she calls home now and then.
Even when the game of the year is on.

He will gently fold her arm around his
and with all the courage and faith he can hold onto
he will stroll down the aisle,
giving her hand but keeping her youth.

He will be the first one in the maternity ward ,
at the nursery window,
carefully inspecting the activities of his new family member.
Another part of her, another part of him.

He will reassure her as time rages on
and the signs of his old age start to frighten her.

He will caress her hand with a passion
to which she has never felt
as he whispers his last wishes to her.

He will come to her heart for all her life
as she sees his manner in herself
or his features in her children.

He will live in the smiles
that grace her face
as she remembers the things he did for her.

~~~~

Wyoming

I was able to hit the road at a pretty reasonable time this morning and spent the majority of today's eight hour drive crossing through Nebraska. In a way today was like yesterday, but with a twist. Like yesterday, the sun rose with a fierce strength that caused the interior temperature of my car to spike up fast and by early afternoon we were all three more than a little uncomfortable. But it got to the point that I was worried the cats would overheat so I took their blanket out of the kennel, something that ticked Faelina off quite a bit judging by the loud constant yowls of protest she kept up for some time after. Like yesterday, I spent the day singing Brantley Gilbert songs and quoting the lines to Harry Potter but also threw in a couple hours of The Birthday Massacre to mix it up a bit. I made another Starbucks stop in western Nebraska but opted for an iced americano (vs a hot one) hoping it would help cool me off (it didn't but at least it woke me up).

Eastern Nebraska was much like Iowa with mile upon mile of cornfields over flatland, but as I drove further west the terrain slowly transformed. Beginning simply with more scatterings trees after a time those trees turned into miles of untamed woods. The acres of corn began to give way to more farms featuring herds of cows and horses grazing in pastures before the corn all but disappeared and ranches took over. The utter flatness of the land slowly adopted slight hills and dips and then finally at 1:56pm I saw off in the distance real hills. I grinned when I saw them because though only hills they might be I knew them to be a tantalizing promise of what was to come and I just couldn't wait. About 40 minutes later I-80 split and as I kept right to continue west the road rose upwards into those hills and again I had to smile because I knew what those higher elevations were bringing me to. At 4:15pm I said goodbye to Nebraska and crossed the border into the state I had been most excited about getting to visit on this trip - Wyoming. I was born in Evanston and had visited frequently when we lived in Utah but my last visit was at the start of our drive up to Alaska 20 years ago. I swear that the second I crossed that invisible line into the state something inside me clicked and I felt instantly more relaxed - more at peace. It was like I'd been holding my breath for four years and I could now finally let it go, and I think I know why.

Not long after arriving in Maine I started to sense that the underlying energy of life on the east coast was not the same as on the west, the spirit of the land and the people who lived there was different. I've never had the feeling that one is better than the other, instead I think it's simply which spirit and energy matches each individual person best. For me there was no question; when I'm out west my soul sings, out east it's just a muted whisper. I knew I belonged out west, and today I went back there to stay.

I continued down I-80 soaking up the scenery around me and then, almost exactly three hours after I'd first spotted the hills, my eyes alighted on what they had promised. Far off in the distance, beneath soft sunlight clouds, dark blue silhouettes filled the horizon - Mountains. Just as some people need the sea to be truly happy, and others can only find real peace in a desert sunset, I need mountains surrounding me or else I just can't breath right. The lack of them in Maine is the single reason why I could never live there forever and the promise of being near them once more was the most exciting, alluring factor about moving back west. Having those tall constant guardians near again makes me feel safer and more complete than I have in a long time.

I spent the last 30 minutes of my drive today smiling like a fool as the highway wound through the Medicine Bow National Forest all the while bringing me closer to those far off giants. I reached my destination - Laramie - and got us checked in and settled early enough to see the sun set over the Forest's hills from my hotel window. There is a lot about this move that has me scared, nervous, unsure, and doubting of my ability to find success, but right now I am absolutely in love with the spectacularly wondrous place it has brought me to tonight.

A Day in Iowa

I want to start this by saying a HUGE Thank You to my aunt and uncle in Illinois for opening up their home to me and my cats last night, especially since my uncle is allergic to cats and had to spend the night in their basement while my cats took over the main floor. I slept great and woke up completely free of the zombie like trance I'd been in last night. Synge and Faelina had both been nervous when we first got there, but by morning I could tell they both were infinitely less stressed than they had been our first night on the road. In fact, Faelina apparently liked it so much that she decided that we weren't going to leave and climbed inside the batting on the bottom of my mattress and wound herself through the mattress springs. In the end, the only way to extract her was by upending the whole mattress and ripping the batting even more so that I could grab her. This little stunt of hers made it so that I hit the road a little later than I would have liked (well that and my dithering over which hotel to make a reservation at), but finally I had both cats and all of our things in the car. I hugged my aunt and uncle goodbye and set off - with a quick side stop to Starbucks for a Venti 5 shot Americano!

The first few hours I was still in Illinois before crossing the state line into Iowa. As far as I can recall, the last time I'd been in Iowa was on a family road trip when I was eight years old, and I was excited to see it again.Farmland pretty much accompanied me throughout the entirety of the state, mostly crop farms but I did see the occasional herds of black cows too. The sky was clear the whole day and the sun almost relentlessly bright which meant my sunglasses were glued to my face whenever I was on the road. The tint of my glasses made the crops appear as though someone had decided to grow fields of tall bronze shimmering in the sunlight; it was quite lovely. Despite that though, the open flatness of the land combined with scarcity of trees in the eastern part of the state unnerved me. I felt exposed, almost unsafe as result. I managed to distract myself from this by singing along to Brantley Gilbert songs (I just love his voice!) or listening to my most favorite story: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (a gift from from my aunt and uncle!). The sun also heated up the interior of my car quite a bit, making it hot enough to make even Faelina crawl out of her nest of blankets. I tried using the power of positive thinking to make my AC suddenly start working again and not just blow warm air out of the vents; unfortunately I was less than successful.

As late afternoon came around I felt myself growing tired and my left eye started twitching. I took that as a sign that I needed more caffeine but wasn't sure how to go about getting some since I was in an area completely unknown to me. Thankfully just about that time I-80 took me through Des Moines. As I approached one of the many exits for the city a sign listed a mall as one of the attractions for that exit and I though to myself "Where there's a mall there will be Starbucks" and drove down that ramp hoping I was right. I am happy to report that my logic did not fail me and 10 minutes later with coffee in hand I was back on the highway.

After Des Moines the terrain grew a little hillier and more trees surrounded the farms I passed making it feel more like the farms of Maine, although sadly with the glorious wildfire of colors that Maine trees have now (I said goodbye to the last vestiges of that New England wonder in New York). I also drove through a "farm" of wind turbines spinning in such a seemingly slow lackadaisical way it was as if their turning in the air was simply an afterthought. I always marvel at that knowing the power that actually exists behind each turn, and how sudden death would be if I ever - god forbid - got in their way. My caffeine stop had helped perk me up, and stop that obnoxious eye twitch, but I'd been on the road for nine hours at that point and as the sun started setting I was more than ready to be done for the day. I also was reminding of just how annoying it is to be driving west with the setting sun shining right into your eyes. A little later I crossed into Nebraska and reached my hotel in Omaha. The cats and I are happily settled in for the night, and luckily (for me) the beds don't allow cats to hide underneath them so there will be no repeat of this morning tomorrow!

~~~~

I wanted to add to something from yesterdays post, something I couldn't quite find the right words for in my foggy, addled, exhausted brain last night, but was able to clarify in my mind today. I'd written about how lucky I was to have lived in two places I'd truly loved - something many people never experience. I said it had given me hope for what's to come, and while that is true I think the real blessing to that realization is that it has allowed me to refocus my emotions and become less sad about saying goodbye to Maine (or Alaska) and instead celebrate the gift I was given to have lived in such magical places. Whether Utah will be a third such place remains to be seen, but as I said yesterday I have hope.

Roadtrip Moments

I'm now two days into my trek across the country. I came out to frost on my windows this morning so I gave the cats one of my extra fluffy blankets to keep warm. They both burrowed into that happily and while Synge got hot after a couple hours and came out, Faelina spent the whole day hiding inside. 11 1/2 hours on the road (9 1/2 driving) later they are both definitely stressed but they are otherwise healthy and that is most important right now. I feel as though I've become a zombie, but I think that's to be expected and now that I'm actually able to stand and move around again I've recovered somewhat. I stopped for the night in Mundelein, IL to visit with my aunt and uncle. I am writing this with a very foggy mind so please excuse any errors and nonsensical sentences that may appear.

The day took me through five states (and one time zone) and looking back there is a distinct moment or memory of each - mental souvenirs so to speak. Pennsylvania earned the much appreciated distinction of being the only state to not make me pay any tolls, something I've spent a small fortune on in all the others. Ohio was the first place I was actually able to find a Starbucks right off the highway after five hours of fruitless searching. I think there should be some kind of federal law to require those everywhere, everyone travelling all day should at least have a guarantee for quick access to good coffee! I-90 also took me through Cleveland, Ohio, which looks like it would be a fun city to explore someday. Indiana (which happens to be the Faelina's birthplace (not that she would even care) ) had some truly lovely farms. They were surrounded by tall trees whose golden leaves - in the afternoon sun - looked as though Midas himself had touched them . I was reminded of why I could never live in a big city when I found myself driving at a snails pace - on the interstate - through Chicago, although it was nice to see the city and the Sears Tower again.

The best part of the day (other than seeing my aunt and uncle of course!), happened on the outskirts of New York. I'd been following a car for a few minutes before noticing that it had Maine plates, but once I did my mind was instantaneously filled with images and memories of my time there. I succumbed to a wave of homesickness that almost brought forth a few tears but right before they came something happened that stopped their coming. It was the realization of just how lucky I am to have lived in not just one, but two states that I grew to love so much that my leaving them caused me heartache. I know so many people who never know that feeling.

That really gives me hope for what is yet to come...

Time, as always, has flown by too fast and in less than a week I will no longer be in Maine. The past few weeks have been filled with hours of packing, planning, and visits with my favorite people and places one last time. I have moments of elation and excitement about the changes I'm about to face and the adventures they will bring, and then there are mornings I wake up filled with such a deep homesickness for Maine that tears haunt each breath until I close my eyes that night. Today has been one such day and tonight the devastating reality of what's coming suddenly became too much to bear and those threatening tears finally fell.

I still have no doubt that my choice to go is the right one, but when I think of all that I'm about to leave behind I become weak, sapped of my strength. In mere days I will no longer be able sit by the brick fireplace of my library, walk through the leaf laced paths of the Bowdoin quad, or sip the dark perfection that is God of Thunder coffee.Worse, in mere days I will be saying goodbye to some of the most wonderful people I have ever known, people who I care about deeply, without any promise or certainty that I will ever see them again. It's a knowledge that cuts through my heart like fire causing my courage to falter and self-doubt to flourish.

Today was a beautiful bright autumn day, but yesterday the rain fell fast and steady. As I enjoyed one last cup of coffee at the library I let my gaze drift out of the gray rain soaked windows and through them these words came

It's raining outside, softly tragic

 Drops transform first to mist then to magic

An echoing song full of goodbye

  A truth now so near it's hard not to cry

I walk up and down this familiar old street

 letting sky’s falling whispers kiss my face, soak my feet

The store fronts, the restaurants, the ruby tipped trees

  there's so much I love here, so much left to see

And the people whose smiles brought me strength, gave me hope

with their welcoming kindness I became one of their own 

This place is my comfort, my happiness, my home

My heart's filled with sadness, it doesn't want to let go

~~~~

Mindful

*A Small Note: This post was written last night but due to a temporary issue with my internet I was unable to post it until just now* 

Mindful
by Mary Oliver

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for -
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world -
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant -
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these -
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

I remember the very first time my eyes alighted on these words. I was housesitting, and taped to the mirror of the bathroom was this poem. Certain words had been underlined, others circled, I read them all marveling at their truth. I understood completely why, out of the millions out there, these people had placed this poem in such a place that they would be reminded of it's message every day. The message that in all things, no matter how small, there is beauty and room for miracles.

When I first moved into my own apartment I hung a copy in a frame by my bathroom mirror for a daily visual reminder, but in truth I had committed these words to memory long before. I can honestly say that in the past four years there have only been a few days where I have not seen something that has caused those first few lines to run skittering through my thoughts. Often I grab hold of them and carry on silently repeated each word coming to rest only after that last syllable's echo. And as the poem says, it is normally something most consider mundane and often fail to even see that sparks this little ritual.

Like the silver cobweb in the corner of my building shining in sunrise as I stepped outside this morning, or the fluttering air encircling a flock of birds rising suddenly in unison into the blue afternoon sky. There were the early fall leaves that glowed red fire as the sun began setting, and the fall air full of that crisp freshness that only exists this time of year.

Normally it is only the comings and goings of nature that bring me time and again back to these verses. But I know that it's message can be found in all aspects of life, those small daily blessings that we all sometimes take for granted. Like the way Faelina was curled up in the crook of my neck this morning, her purrs the first sound to welcome back from a night lost in dreams. Or steam from my beloved cinnamon apple spice tea floating upward in soft swirls quietly beckoning with it's sweet scent. It's in the warm comfort that came with pulling on my favorite sweater after a walk in the cold air, the delight delivered at the feel of a book in my hand and the rustling of each new page I turned. And it was the rush of simple bliss that filled me when I took that first sip of my most favorite coffee.

Life lately often has me feeling frazzled and full of unanswered questions. I am more than a little overwhelmed as I work to get everything done for my move, and when trying to reconcile my ever growing pile of bills with a bank account that shrinks daily. But for all that I still know, and am reminded daily, that I live a life filled with immeasurable blessings. I continue to be one of the luckiest people on the planet. I hope that is something I never forget. 

~~~~

Two other things happened today that I do not consider to be common, ordinary, or very drab. In fact I view them as rather extraordinary. The first was getting to see, after 10 months, a friend that I made while at Mercy. I have been told by many people this year that I have been brave and strong and an inspiration in my efforts to fight this eating disorder. Compared to this young woman though, I am nothing. From the beginning she has wowed me by the way she has fought to pull herself out from the hell she has been through and I continue to be in awe the strength and commitment to her recovery she shows each and every day. She is the very epitome of real inspiration and I am so proud to know her; beyond thankful I can call her a friend. And I think it was seeing her again that made the second extraordinary thing possible.

She lives in New Hampshire, so I had driven down to Portsmouth to meet her. On a recommendation from her friend we walked into the doors of Breaking New Grounds in search of coffee and after some deliberation ordered a maple americano (for me) and a pumpkin spice cappuccino (for her). We each also picked out one of their cookies. I'd gone with the classic chocolate chip (after pointing out they were missing the all important peanut butter cookie) and broke off small pieces sometimes dipping them in my coffee before taking a bite while at other times enjoying the plain deliciousness of just the cookie itself. We finished our cookies and coffee, talked, laughed, walked around Portsmouth for a bit, and then stopped into Breaking New Grounds before parting so I could get another coffee for the road. It wasn't until I was back on the highway, with my music blasting and the cold air from my open window raising goosebumps of happiness on my arms that I realized I had eaten that entire cookie without an ounce of regret or a single drop of guilt from her. For most of you reading this experiencing such a thing might seen incredibly common and ordinary, I hope so at least. But for me, most days, second guessing myself for eating even a piece of bread, an extra tablespoon of oats, or the addition of an apple to a meal is commonplace. For me eating a chocolate chip cookie and feeling nothing but joy and pleasure hasn't happened in more than two years. This doesn't mean that I am not cured of my fear of cookies, but it was an giant sized step in that direction and I am so grateful for it.

As I sit here writing this now, a third rather spectacular event took place. When I started the night was dark and a a clear, pearl, glowing moon was rising upward. Every few minutes though I peeked out my window and saw it slowly transform into a dark red orb before blending into the midnight darkness. You all know how much I love the moon – full, new, or otherwise, and this was a completely new experience for me. One that was thrilling, exciting, and the perfect end to day filled with beautiful miracles. 

Sometimes the Hardest Goodbyes Bring the Best Adventures

For me 2011 was a year full of happiness, joy, excitement, hope, confusion, terror, sadness, heartache, and a whole lot of doubt. I'd known since January 1st that with college behind me I wanted to move, to have an adventure somewhere else. That was the extent of my knowledge though, the answer to the question of where I would go eluded me faster than a midnight dream slips from memory upon waking. My confusion was worsened by my love of Alaska and the tears that filled my eyes at the mere thought of saying goodbye. I spent months trudging through days flooded with the sense I was wandering lost through life and only walking further down into dark unhappiness. I was desperate for a sign, a nudge from the universe, that would direct me where to go.

My silent plea was answered when I woke one morning to an e-mail from a close family friend inviting me to come stay with their family. They were living in Lisbon Falls, Maine and my friend said they would be happy to help me to get settled in Maine and find my own place and was welcome to live with them for as long as I needed in the meantime. After a few days thought I e-mailed her back accepting her very generous offer`and began preparing for the journey ahead of me.

However while my decision had been made my mind was not, and while I was relieved to finally have a plan I wasn't entirely thrilled about it. Each day my departure came even closer I was plagued the question of whether I'd chosen right and filled with a wish for something different. You see, Maine had long been on my list of places that I had thought would be nice to live, but at that particular moment in my life part of me, most of me, wanted to be driving in a different direction, wished I was moving somewhere else.

Those emotions did not disappear once I got to Maine but at some point without my realizing it they did fade. In fact, they vanished so completely that not even an imprint was left in my memory. I had forgotten entirely, and it wasn't until last week that a jolting shock of remembrance last week allowed me to recall them at all. I take that as a I sign I'd chosen right despite my doubts at the time. Back then I was meant for Maine, I know that now, and over my four years here I have come to love this place deeply.

~~~

Which is why when last week I looked my landlord in the eye and told her I was leaving my own eyes filled with unexpected tears and my heart made a small cry of pain as I spoke the words promising a definite goodbye.

~~~

I came back from Norway utterly lost in regards to what I wanted next. So many places and possibilities floated just beyond reach in front of me it was beyond me to figure out which I should grasp. I asked for a sign, a nudge from the universe, to help me sort it all out. And it came, in the form of my best friend. She knew I was struggling and offered me a home to stay in for as long as I needed and daily love and support while I figured everything out. This time it took me longer than a few days to make up my mind. There was so much I was scared of, I felt like by saying yes I would be slamming the doors to so many opportunities. But in a moment of total honesty with myself I admitted that I truly have no idea what I want right now and maybe, while I am trying to sort that out, it might be a good idea to have my best friend close by.

So I'm moving to Utah. After much consideration I have decided to drive as I know I will need a car in my new home. I am incredibly nervous about how this will turn out. I wish that no radio reception, broken AC, and a dent on the passenger side were the only things wrong with my car. But it is old, I've put it through a lot, and it's not in the greatest shape. Visions of it deciding that it has run it's course leaving me stranded on some highway in Nebraska late at night cause my pulse to race and heart to start skidding. I don't really have any other option though since no money and no job prevents me from buying a new one, so I'll just be crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I will have Synge and Faelina with me which will make the whole excursion a bit tricky, I've never driven long distances with a cat before, but I will somehow figure that out - hopefully without any major mishaps.

Stephanie and her husband have told me I can stay with them indefinitely but my goal is to find a job and then a place of my own as soon as possible. Apart from not wanting to wear out my welcome in their home, I am also motivated to make this happen for three additional reasons. The first is that while living at Steph's, the cats will be confined to my bedroom so that they don't get underfoot in the home, cause unfixable mischief (Faelina would mainly do this), or accidentally escape outside. I feel bad that I will be disrupting their quiet calm lives in this way and want to find a home where they have free reign of the place quickly. My second reason is that that majority of what money I have now will be used for this trip and I am anxious to reverse the downward trend my bank account balance has been in since July. I also just like knowing that, for at least five days a week, I have to work everyday. It makes me feel like I'm living up to the responsibilities and requirements for being a responsible adult and I like not having to rely on others for everything to get by on life. My last reason for needing a place of my own is just that, I need a place of my own. The introvert in me is panicking that I am leaving behind a home where I can control what happens. Where I know no one will mess up a room I've just cleaned or conversely where if I make a mess I will be the one that has to clean up. Where I can where what I want, do what I want, where I can just be alone. I need a space where I can just be me and I hope beyond hope that it won't take me very long before I can get that.

Right now I am filled with a whole lot of doubt, heartache, sadness, terror, confusion, hope, excitement, joy and happiness. I feel tears threatening whenever I focus on leaving Maine behind; I am going to miss so much Brunswick and everything in it, the food that is hands down the best in the country (not even an eating disorder could make me blind to that fact), and all the old city buildings and farmhouses that practically sing with the history of all the lives they've touched. Knowing that soon I won't be here any longer makes my heart ache. But I left Alaska, an act that just about tore my heart out, and if I left then, I can leave now too.

To boost my spirits, I have been trying to focus on the positives about Utah. There's the obvious, that after 20 years my best friend and I will finally be living in the same state once more. Not only that but I will also get to experience the lives and joys of her children. Up until now all I've been witness to is mere snapshots of who they are, now I will get to watch them grow. Utah has mountains - real mountains, some beautiful National Parks, hiking trails galore, no humidity, beautiful winters, and magical places where the scent of sage fills the air. I will be able to meet new people and hear their stories. And perhaps most important, whatever great or horrible things may come, I will be given a chance to learn and discover more about myself and what I am capable of.

So that is where I'm at. I don't feel entirely certain about Utah, part of me wants something else, but again that was the case with Maine too. I leave October 16th, giving me a month to check off all the things on my ever growing 'Move To-Do' list. It's ridikulous-ly long and seemingly impossible to get through in just four weeks, but I will. Even more important is my intention to soak up and enjoy as much of Maine as possible so when that Friday morning inevitably arrives, I am able to wake up and say goodbye to this home before I drive off searching for my new one.

Brave Girl Eating

A few weeks ago a friend I met while at Mercy recommended a book she had found helpful. "Brave Girl Eating" by Harriet Brown is the authors experience of her teenage daughters battle with anorexia and their family's exhausting, heartbreaking, efforts to help her. I checked the book out from the library the next day, but as I was reading multiple other books at the time, it sat on my bookshelf untouched until this morning.

Though I only just started reading today, I am writing about the book now because the first two pages contain the authors attempt to describe what it is like to live in the middle of this disease. I have not been shy about sharing my experiences, there are few events and details I have held back, but something that I have struggled to accurately portray are the exact thoughts, voices and emotions that take place inside my head daily. Browns attempt to capture the day in the life of an anorexic is scarily accurate.

With each new paragraph of Brown's writing, I found myself spiraling further down into the memories of when I was at my worst. How I'd wake in the pre-dawn hours after only a few hours sleep because I just had to work out and hours later so tired, knees buckling with every step, my stomach screaming with it's emptiness, I'd fight with myself to just have a spoonful of peanut butter to appease frantic needs of my starved body. I never could though, my mind was to strong and jumping off a cliff seemed less dangerous. The days I'd spend hours online looking at site after site after site of recipes for creamy pasta dishes, sandwiches of delicious breads topped with all sorts of delights, and chocolate desserts that made my heart dream, knowing I would never ever be allowed to taste them. The nights where my the voice in my head and pining of my hallow stomach filled me with fear and desperation so deep not even tears could come. Today as I read those last few sentences, my eyes shook with those hidden tears.

I've said before that the only way one can fully understand the power and terror of an eating disorder is for them to have one themselves. But there are some people who are able to use words in such a way that those untouched by this disease are able to get a glimpse into the torturous world the disorder creates. Brown's words struck a nerve, rang a bell of truth. I ask that you read them and take their message to heart so that one day, if you find yourself looking into the face of a person whose mind and life is no longer in their control, you are able grasp the pain they are dealing with and offer help. 

"     Close your eyes. Imagine that you're standing in a bakery. Not just any bakery - the best bakery in Paris, its windows fogged, crowded with people who jostle for space in front of its long glass cases. The room is fragrant and you can't take your eyes off the rows of cinnamon rolls and croissants, iced petits fours, flaky napoleons and elephant ears. Every counter holds at least one basket of crusty baguettes, still warm from the oven.
      And you're hungry. In fact, you're starving. Hunger is a tornado whirling in your chest, a bottomless vortex at your core. Hunger is a tiger sharpening its claws on your tender insides. You stand in front of the glass cases, trying to swallow, but your throat is dry and your stomach clenches and contracts.
      You want more than anything to lick the side of an eclair, swirl the custard and chocolate against your tongue. You dream about biting off the end of a cruller, feeling the give of the spongy dough, the brief molecular friction of the glaze against your teeth, flooding your mouth with sweetness. The woman beside you reaches into a white paper bag, pulls out a hunk of sourdough roll. You see the little puff of steam that flares from its soft center, breathe in its warm yeasty smell. She pops it into her mouth and chews and you chew along with her. You can almost taste the bread she's eating. Almost.
     But you can't, not really, because how long has it been since you've tasted bread? A month? A year? And though your stomach grinds against your backbone and your cheeks are hollow, though the tiger flays your belly, you can't eat. You want to, you have to, but your fear is greater than your hunger. Because when you do - when you choke down a spoonful of plain yogurt, five pretzel sticks, a grape - that's when the voice in your head starts up, a whisper, a cajoling sigh: You don't need to eat, you're strong, so strong. That's right. Good girl.
     Soon the whisper is a hiss filling the center of your head: You don't deserve to eat. You're weak, unworthy. You are disgusting. You don't deserve to live.  You, you, you. The voice is a drumbeat, a howl, a knife sunk in your gut, twisting. It knows what you're thinking. It knows everything you do. The more you try to block it out, the louder it becomes, until it's screaming in your ear: You're fat. You're a pig. You make everyone sick. No one loves you and no one ever will. You don't deserve to be loved. You've sinned and now you must be punished.
     So you don't eat, though food is all you think about. Though all day long, wherever you are - doing homework, sitting with friends, trying to sleep - part of you is standing in the bakery, mesmerized with hunger and with fear, the voice growling and rumbling. You have to stand there, your insides in shreds, empty of everything but your own longing. There will be no bread for you, no warm buttery pastries. There's only the pitiless voice inside your head, high-pitched, insistent, insidious. There's only you, more alone than you've ever been. You, growing smaller and frailer. You, with nowhere else to go.
     The voice is part of you now, your friend and your tormentor. You can't fight it and you don't want to. You're not so strong, after all. You can't take it and you cant get away. You don't deserve to live. You want to die.
     This is what it feels like to have anorexia.    "

Book Love

I'd mentioned a couple of posts ago that unemployement has allowed me to read much more than I am used to. This new found freedom to pick up and dive into a book whenever I please is something I have truly cherished this last month. I have been lucky in that I've thoroughly enjoyed all of the books I've read, but I do of course have my favorites and without further ado here they are...



"Time is malleable. Memory fails. Memory changes."

On a recent library visit I wandered over to the shelf dedicated to the 2015 Maine Readers' Choice Award books. One immediately attracted my attention with it's cover being a picture that reminded me strongly of the buildings at Bowdoin. I picked it up and was to intrigued by the shadowed mystery hinted at inside the front cover to not take it home with me.

'The Headmaster's Wife' by Thomas Christopher Greene starts off seemingly to be another book about an individual in the midst of a mid-life crisis complete with a marriage slowly dying, a barrage of bad decisions, and a career heading towards destruction. Instead though, it is a novel where the reader learns that no detail can be taken at face value. A story of stunning twists where love, loss and grief have taken over and in so doing turn their victims into an echo of their former selves. I went through this book as fast as water flows through open fingers and without doubt it was time well spent.

~~~~~~~~

“I felt like a cobweb strung across the doorway, trembling in the draft and about to tear if I moved. If I had just waited one more day, tried one ounce harder in all the days before, maybe he would have dared the darkness and already remembered. Maybe he would have found a way to save us all. But now I was oath bound to destroy him”

Walking into the Young Adult section at the library in search of 'Splintered' (see below) 'Cruel Beauty' by Rosamund Hodge, caught my eye simply by the title. Picking it up hoping to find it was a new telling of my beloved Beauty and the Beast I smiled once I'd confirmed it was. The story opens to an introduction of our female heroine Nyx preparing to say goodbye to her life and all she knows on the eve of her wedding. Promised before birth to wed the demon who rules her kingdom she was raised being trained by her father to take down their evil ruler and rid the land of his influence forever. But once in the enchanted castle, Nyx realizes that such plans are easier said then done, that nothing is black and white, pure good or evil, especially her husband.

I quite enjoyed taking in the pages of this book. While the outline of the classic tale has clear echoes throughout, Hodge has definitely gone farther, brought in new elements, to create a world full of history unique to itself and characters that are infinitely her own.

~~~~~~~~

“I’ve been collecting bugs since I was ten; it’s the only way I can stop their whispers.”
I owe my discovery of this next book to an impromptu, last minute visit to Barnes and Noble on the last day of my Utah visit this past May. On special display, the cover had me instantly fascinated and the story description inside only added to my interest. I held back from buying it though and it was not until I'd returned from Norway that I was able to borrow it from my library.

Inspired by Lewis Carroll's 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland', 'Splintered' by A.G. Howard is different from other retellings in that it is not another version of Alice's tale. It is instead the life is about Alyssa Garner, Alice's great-grandaughter. Haunted from a young age by the curse that seems to befall all of the women in her family's line, and threatened with a decision that promises to destroy her family forever, Alyssa finds her way down into the same rabbit hole that her ancestor had fallen into so many years before determined to break the curse and set her family free. 

Each page of this book had me absolutely transfixed, and I found myself completely in love with this new interpretation of Wonderland, both it's horrors and delights. Howard's vision of this world full of breathtaking descriptions of Wonderland and the hearts of her characters make this a tale impossible to turn away from.
 

~~~~~~~~

"And if you were a spirit, and time did not bind you, and patience and love were all you knew, then there you would wait for someone to return, and the story to unfold."

Last year I wrote a post about my complete entrancement with 'A Winter's Tale' by Mark Helprin. My excitement over that book was apparently so strong, and my frustration that I was reading from a library book (and therefore could not underline my favorite parts) so great, that some wonderful someone left a copy of that book for me at my door later that same day.  I have refrained from attempting to read more of Helprin's books since I knew that I would once again fall in love with the beauty of his writing and that because the book would come from the library (I'm not allowed to buy books any more!) and and that taking a pen to their pages would not be allowed. Lucky for me a Barnes and Noble gift card was bestowed upon me which allowed me to become the excited owner of 'In Sunlight and in Shadow'.

I began reading it during my last days in Norway and still have yet to finish. There are a few reasons why it has taken me longer to get through this book then is normal for me. Part of this is just that Helprin writes in a style that one cannot just speed through. It is also over 700 pages. I have also lately been reading two books simultaneously alternating each book every other day. Lately though it has been by choice. At one point, about halfway through, I came to some chapters whose relevance to the story I questioned. I thought they made the book unnecessarily long and I wondered how much I would enjoy the rest of it. Now with only 100 pages left, I understand the importance of those previous chapters; they were necessary, they were needed. And it is partly because I understand that I have deliberately slowed the pace of my reading.

The reason for this is that I am scared. Scared to find out what is coming. Scared to reach the end. Scared for the characters involved and for the horrible loss that I sense may be coming. I don't know if I will read the last page wrapped safe in a story where love has conquered time itself or if I'll be utterly devastated - or both.

It is a story of love lost inside the magic of New York City, the echoing despair of a world ravaged by war, and the utter injustice of the right forced into unequal battle good versus evil. Through it all, Helprin infuses each character, each place, each moment with the most beautiful language, clearest truths, and undying hopes. I am in awe and completely in love with his ability to do this. And so, because I just can't resist, this post will go out with just a few of the passages that captivated my heart as I read them...

"There is an echo to people's passing, a wake in the air that says more about them than can be said in speech"

"...he would love her indelibly, catastrophically, and forever."

"...the only thing that's really true, that lasts, and makes life worthwhile is the truth that's fixed in the heart. That's what we live and die for. It comes in epiphanies, and it comes in love, an don't ever let frightened people turn you away from it."

"Insane and guaranteed to break hearts into eternity, there it was nonetheless, war inescapable, elevating the sense of being alive like nothing else but love."

"...but most of all she wanted this - to be able to project her soul outside herself for those moments, enchanted and free..."

"He had never known whether the few perfect moments in his life had occurred because the walls between past and present had fallen, or if those walls fall in deference to perfection. But he did know that perfection and the defeat of time ran together, and that they brought love, calm, and resolution as solid as the granite on which he now stood."

"What he saw, imagined, and remembered was the convergence of immortal souls. These were more powerful than armies or empires and more radiant than sunlight. He could not see their faces, because they were swirling like dances, having risen wildly from the darkness and been shot into the air in spark and flame."

"..in the reading rooms of libraries, where the world could open quietly to infinity and she could visit and consult remnant souls in traces of themselves...she felt strongly that nothing was ever lost, that the world was so full of faint echoes that the air was almost solid."

"She was too interested in the truth of things to waste time stammering even slightly with her soul."

"When I was born, my soul took shape in the promises I would keep."

"I won't last forever, and anyone who won't last forever has to live courageously and well, or she's left with, and leaves behind, nothing."

A Poem of Goodbye, A Poem of Hope

Yesterday late morning, I sat in the lobby of my library drinking coffee out of one of my favorite cups and got lost writing a letter to a friend. Taking a break I flipped through the pages of my notebook and found an old poem I'd begun while still a patient at Mercy. I say begun because at the time no matter how hard I tried the feelings and message I was trying to convey refused to be spun into words. I now think that its because those emotions were still to new and choppy, to full of doubt and hesitance to be formed into something as substantial as words. In the battle over my mind she was still largely in control. I wasn't sure recovery was possible, didn't know if it was what I really wanted. Yesterday though, the words finally came...

I said goodbye and magic happened

I broke free and now can fly

I can see love in moonlight madness

And know peace in starry nights

My kitten purrs and joy abounds

Book pages turning bring delight

Scents of cooking now are comfort 

And coffee brewing sets the world right

I said goodbye and magic happened

I said goodbye and found myself

I said goodbye to pain, to sadness

And said hello to happiness

I want to be clear that the fact that I was able to finish the poem now is not a sign that I am rid of her influence. It will be a long, long time before I am completely free of her taunting voice and attempts to trip me. I still have to fight every day, and an actual update on where I am with that is coming. The struggle is less though and her territory of control dramatically diminished. Writing this poem I realized that I no longer have moments where I miss the darkest days of her reign. That's huge. When I think of where I was a year ago, of what routine she would push me through on Friday nights, the relentless death march she ordered each Saturday, and the Sunday morning torment I had to look forward to I shudder. What I now am up against is the comfort of the fight itself. This blurry gray area that allows her the more than occasional win - where I push myself harder than my body deserves in a workout, where I pick a safe food over one filled with nerves, where I still feel guilt with every bite of food I take. This has all become a familiar dance and one that I, at times, am reluctant to let go of. I got this far though; there's a lot to be said for just that. And one day, one day, I'll get to the point where all I am is me.

The Beginnings of Goodbye

So it's been awhile. Three weeks. I've taken a bit of a break from writing since returning to the states with several reasons why. Mostly I have been trying to focus my energy into learning to be ok that I'm here again, that I'm no longer in Norway. When I left it behind I felt I was saying goodbye to Alaska. It's as though a piece of my heart has been ripped away, and as wonderful as Maine is I just haven't been able to breathe right since. Among the many things I learned in Norway, one of the biggest is that for my life to be whole I need to live within mountains. It hurts to be away from them. I am in the process of turning that knowledge into reality by planning a move back west; however, I am so far clueless as to where and when exactly I will go. I hope to know soon, and will share with you all once I figure it out.

It has been strange to not have a set schedule and routine to go back to. The fact that I'm not waking up and driving to work each day feels foreign and more than a little disconcerting. The cats love that I'm home more, especially Faelina, and I am doing my best to stay busy. I have lined up some temporary work that will begin next week, and most days I'm spend at least a couple hours looking for full time work out west.  I've been volunteering at the animal shelter quite a bit, and I am also letting myself take time to enjoy some of my favorite solo activities.

I am reading more now than I have in ages. I pieced together a jigsaw puzzle for
the first time in years (Faelina very enthusiastically took on the role of playing with the puzzle pieces all over the apartment!). I went over to a friends in the middle of a wicked hot afternoon to swim laps and cool off in her pool. And held an impromptu art night with my neighbor. Pretty much as soon as I landed in Norway, my night owlish tendencies came out in full force and my return to Maine has done nothing to quell that. It is rare for me to close my eyes before midnight and my evenings are spent in quiet happiness as I dive into whatever sparks my interest that night. I walk daily through Bowdoin but am no longer limited only to the afternoon hours; I can go during the sunrise, right at midday, or at night in the moonlight. I got my hands on small booklet "A Women's History Walking Trail" that led me down Maine street, through the Bowdoin quad, and past neighborhood homes filling my mind with stories of the strong women who helped shape this town into what it is today. To my delight, one trail led me right back to my apartment. I had always wondered what the upper floors of my building used to be and I now know they were once a high quality dressmakers shop.

There are also town events and activities that work always prevented me from attending but can now explore and participate in at leisure. On my first day back I walked down the street to listen to that night's 'Music at the Mall', a weekly summer event where a local band sings in the gazebo at the park entertaining young and old alike. A couple days later I discovered that the same park plays host to a small summer Farmers Market every Tuesday and Friday morning. I had never known this because I was always at work during that time. I love being able to walk down and buy delicious, locally grown kholrabi, golden beets and summer squash. There's even a stand selling local coffee!

Speaking of coffee, I was ecstatic to learn about the 'Free Coffee Fridays' at my library. I mean coffee and books - it's the best combination?! The library also had an evening craft night, where the public was invited to come make buttons, magnets and coasters out of old maps. My neighbor and I both went and we were instantly swept up in the excitement an bustle of craft making. It truly was an event for everyone and around us were parents with young children, middle aged couples and singles of all ages. As we all rifled through pages of maps in search of our favorite places the stories of where we had each been couldn't help but be told, and the sight of all the places we still had yet to explore ignited our wanderlust like wildfire. I had fun with all the crafts but definitely got a little carried away with the button maker! Another library event was an evening showing of "Exposed - USDA's Secret War on Wildlife", a video created by the Defense of Predators organization. To say I enjoyed that would be a stretch, I was almost in tears at one point, but I did find it incredibly informative and am glad I went. I am posting a link to the video here and ask that you all take the time to watch it as well.

A much more pleasant movie experience, was Brunswick's "Movies in the Park".
I'd never attended this before since it was always held late on a work night. I almost didn't go this time, only the knowledge that this was my last chance to ever attend persuaded me. I appeased my inner introvert by promising I could leave after a half hour. As I reached the park though I felt the edges of that promise begin to unravel when I saw the path leading into it was lit with sparkling lanterns hanging from the tree branches above me. It was completely dark by that point and the light from the movie screen was the only thing that allowed me to see the crowd of people spread out on the hill in front of it. Halfway up the hill I stopped and leaned against a tree taking in the scene of families and friends grouped together on blankets and sitting in camp chairs, eyes fixed on the screen, and the sound of the movie filling the air. They even had a small stand to buy popcorn if one was so inclined. I was enchanted by it all and only left once those ending credits flashed on the screen...

These past weeks have made me fall in love with Brunswick and Maine all over again. The idea that I will soon no longer be able to step outside and walk down the street to Bowdoin, go sit in the peace of my library, or step inside to Gelato Fiasco for my favorite coffee saddens me. I think if Brunswick did have mountains I would be ok and could stay here happily for years more. But it doesn't, and I'm not, so I must go. I am thankful though that I have been granted this time right now to fully take in an enjoy all it has to offer.