Sometimes the Hardest Goodbyes Bring the Best Adventures

For me 2011 was a year full of happiness, joy, excitement, hope, confusion, terror, sadness, heartache, and a whole lot of doubt. I'd known since January 1st that with college behind me I wanted to move, to have an adventure somewhere else. That was the extent of my knowledge though, the answer to the question of where I would go eluded me faster than a midnight dream slips from memory upon waking. My confusion was worsened by my love of Alaska and the tears that filled my eyes at the mere thought of saying goodbye. I spent months trudging through days flooded with the sense I was wandering lost through life and only walking further down into dark unhappiness. I was desperate for a sign, a nudge from the universe, that would direct me where to go.

My silent plea was answered when I woke one morning to an e-mail from a close family friend inviting me to come stay with their family. They were living in Lisbon Falls, Maine and my friend said they would be happy to help me to get settled in Maine and find my own place and was welcome to live with them for as long as I needed in the meantime. After a few days thought I e-mailed her back accepting her very generous offer`and began preparing for the journey ahead of me.

However while my decision had been made my mind was not, and while I was relieved to finally have a plan I wasn't entirely thrilled about it. Each day my departure came even closer I was plagued the question of whether I'd chosen right and filled with a wish for something different. You see, Maine had long been on my list of places that I had thought would be nice to live, but at that particular moment in my life part of me, most of me, wanted to be driving in a different direction, wished I was moving somewhere else.

Those emotions did not disappear once I got to Maine but at some point without my realizing it they did fade. In fact, they vanished so completely that not even an imprint was left in my memory. I had forgotten entirely, and it wasn't until last week that a jolting shock of remembrance last week allowed me to recall them at all. I take that as a I sign I'd chosen right despite my doubts at the time. Back then I was meant for Maine, I know that now, and over my four years here I have come to love this place deeply.

~~~

Which is why when last week I looked my landlord in the eye and told her I was leaving my own eyes filled with unexpected tears and my heart made a small cry of pain as I spoke the words promising a definite goodbye.

~~~

I came back from Norway utterly lost in regards to what I wanted next. So many places and possibilities floated just beyond reach in front of me it was beyond me to figure out which I should grasp. I asked for a sign, a nudge from the universe, to help me sort it all out. And it came, in the form of my best friend. She knew I was struggling and offered me a home to stay in for as long as I needed and daily love and support while I figured everything out. This time it took me longer than a few days to make up my mind. There was so much I was scared of, I felt like by saying yes I would be slamming the doors to so many opportunities. But in a moment of total honesty with myself I admitted that I truly have no idea what I want right now and maybe, while I am trying to sort that out, it might be a good idea to have my best friend close by.

So I'm moving to Utah. After much consideration I have decided to drive as I know I will need a car in my new home. I am incredibly nervous about how this will turn out. I wish that no radio reception, broken AC, and a dent on the passenger side were the only things wrong with my car. But it is old, I've put it through a lot, and it's not in the greatest shape. Visions of it deciding that it has run it's course leaving me stranded on some highway in Nebraska late at night cause my pulse to race and heart to start skidding. I don't really have any other option though since no money and no job prevents me from buying a new one, so I'll just be crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I will have Synge and Faelina with me which will make the whole excursion a bit tricky, I've never driven long distances with a cat before, but I will somehow figure that out - hopefully without any major mishaps.

Stephanie and her husband have told me I can stay with them indefinitely but my goal is to find a job and then a place of my own as soon as possible. Apart from not wanting to wear out my welcome in their home, I am also motivated to make this happen for three additional reasons. The first is that while living at Steph's, the cats will be confined to my bedroom so that they don't get underfoot in the home, cause unfixable mischief (Faelina would mainly do this), or accidentally escape outside. I feel bad that I will be disrupting their quiet calm lives in this way and want to find a home where they have free reign of the place quickly. My second reason is that that majority of what money I have now will be used for this trip and I am anxious to reverse the downward trend my bank account balance has been in since July. I also just like knowing that, for at least five days a week, I have to work everyday. It makes me feel like I'm living up to the responsibilities and requirements for being a responsible adult and I like not having to rely on others for everything to get by on life. My last reason for needing a place of my own is just that, I need a place of my own. The introvert in me is panicking that I am leaving behind a home where I can control what happens. Where I know no one will mess up a room I've just cleaned or conversely where if I make a mess I will be the one that has to clean up. Where I can where what I want, do what I want, where I can just be alone. I need a space where I can just be me and I hope beyond hope that it won't take me very long before I can get that.

Right now I am filled with a whole lot of doubt, heartache, sadness, terror, confusion, hope, excitement, joy and happiness. I feel tears threatening whenever I focus on leaving Maine behind; I am going to miss so much Brunswick and everything in it, the food that is hands down the best in the country (not even an eating disorder could make me blind to that fact), and all the old city buildings and farmhouses that practically sing with the history of all the lives they've touched. Knowing that soon I won't be here any longer makes my heart ache. But I left Alaska, an act that just about tore my heart out, and if I left then, I can leave now too.

To boost my spirits, I have been trying to focus on the positives about Utah. There's the obvious, that after 20 years my best friend and I will finally be living in the same state once more. Not only that but I will also get to experience the lives and joys of her children. Up until now all I've been witness to is mere snapshots of who they are, now I will get to watch them grow. Utah has mountains - real mountains, some beautiful National Parks, hiking trails galore, no humidity, beautiful winters, and magical places where the scent of sage fills the air. I will be able to meet new people and hear their stories. And perhaps most important, whatever great or horrible things may come, I will be given a chance to learn and discover more about myself and what I am capable of.

So that is where I'm at. I don't feel entirely certain about Utah, part of me wants something else, but again that was the case with Maine too. I leave October 16th, giving me a month to check off all the things on my ever growing 'Move To-Do' list. It's ridikulous-ly long and seemingly impossible to get through in just four weeks, but I will. Even more important is my intention to soak up and enjoy as much of Maine as possible so when that Friday morning inevitably arrives, I am able to wake up and say goodbye to this home before I drive off searching for my new one.