First Impressions

I've been in Bellingham three days now. I've visited the Saturday Farmer's Market, Fairhaven Historic District, Boulevard Park, Whatcom Falls Park, Bloedel-Donovan Park, and Woods Coffee (one of several locations). I've nailed down locations for grocery stores, the post office, my bank and the public library. So far I like Bellingham. Still I don't quite feel comfortable.

I'm fairly certain that has to do with my situation and not the setting. Unemployed, temporary living arrangements, knowing no one, unsure when or if any of that will change, etc... It's unpleasant to think about. Actually living it has given me a mildly nauseous sort of sensation. Only instead of settling into my stomach it trickles slowly throughout my body in an attepmt to induce full blown panic. I'm trying not to let it derail me; reminding myself that I did choose this massive life upheaval. I'm giving my level best to instead focus upon the discoveries I've delighted upon so far.

There are wild blackberries along all the walking paths. I love blackberries, but almost never buy them, so being free to step off a trail and randomly grab a few is lovely.
Without even trying, I've found four Little Free Libraries. I know there are some in Utah but I never saw one, so the fact that I've stumbled upon this many already is very exciting.
I can smell the ocean again. While I am forever and always a mountain girl, it wasn't until I moved to  Utah that I realized I had grown to rely on the oceans close presence. I didn't regularly visit the beaches in Alaska or Maine, but they were always there whenever I woke up from dreams of the waves. It's comforting to be close to it's wild mystery again.
Plastic bags aren't available in the groceries stores. There are only paper ones, and those you have to pay for. Some people might find that irritating but one of the things that drew me to Washington was the more eco-conscious culture, and so far Bellingham hasn't let me down on that front.
Gray skies and cooler air. Today was actually a blue sky, sunshine kind of day, but the temperatures never rose above the mid-seventies. And the past two days were full of clouds and the delicate drizzle of rain. After three summers dehydrating in the unforgiving Utah sun, the weather here feels incredible. Also, I love seeing the clear magic of raindrops gracing all the tree leaves, flower petals and ripe blackberries.

I feel very overwhelmed right now and there is a wicked fear lacing itself through my veins. Yet it is my hope that as more days pass I will become settled in my new city. Or that an exciting opportunity elsewhere presents itself. Until then, I will wrap my thoughts and fingers around the wisdom of these words: Do not expect your life to return to normal. That is not what you had in mind when you entered on this odyssey. Normal is a conduct that has no frame of reference in the realities for which you are preparing. 

Safe and Easy

There are people, everywhere and in all walks of life, who are not happy with  their life. I'm not talking about the daily grumbles and small stresses, nor the outside cannon balls that are impossible to avoid no matter what and who you are. This also isn't about those individuals suffering from clinical depression. Instead, I mean individuals who carry in their hearts a deep sense of discontent, and possible regret over their current life path and the decisions that led to it. They are souls who dream of something different. And yet...when the moment comes for them to take the scary and fear-riddled actions needed to find satisfying change, they choose to let things as they are, and they do so because it is safe and easy.

Except that it's not. 

I firmly believe that if you're unsatisfied you are uncomfortable. That no matter how much you might tell yourself it's easier to leave and let lie, the truth is that you face a daily battle to wake up and face the world. It is a fight that will get harder every single day. And the more effort and willpower you're forced to pour into your chink-riddled, echo-less routine, the less comfortable - and therefore less safe - you feel. Keep this up and you'll one day to catch the realization that your decision to stick with what was 'safe and easy' was really the road to numb life, dangerously un-lived.

You have to seek change. You have to face the fears you know cloak the taste of your dreams. You have to be ok with not being ok for a little while. It's the only way to close your eyes each night knowing you've done all you can to dance the life you've dreamed of.

~*~

Those were the thoughts I kept in a running stream this morning, as I pulled out of my drive in the early pre-dawn hours leaving my 'safe and easy' behind. For a long time the sky was a black nothing and I shared the roads only with semis and miles upon miles of construction signs and materials that had been temporarily sidelined for the night. I hit the Idaho state line at 5:25am and when I pulled into Boise just past nine, the sky had shivered the night fully away giving way to the creamy gray that only comes with wildfires.

The rest of the day passed quietly. Faelina stayed at a vet clinic until I was able to check into my AirBnB. I drove around checking out the cities offerings. Smoke aside, Boise seems like a fun place, one that I can see myself someday returning to. Tomorrow is the real challenge though. The weather forecasts shows high temperatures and many of you know, I'm extremely worried about how Faelina will manage. Even I am willing to admit that the amount of tears I've cried over this fear, and this move overall, borders on the ridiculous.

Still I am choosing bravery. I am choosing change and adventure. I am choosing a life free of regrets, and (as long as Faelina makes it through unscathed) it will all bring me true safety and ease. It will all be worth it in the end.

Picking the Scarier Path

Two dirt paths, each exciting in their own way. They began at my feet, but ran off in completely different directions. Both disappeared into clouds of mist. Unsure of which way to go, I was lost in that mist for a very long time.

One trail took me home to Alaska; bringing me to the place I love more than life and where I can find the only two things I love more than Alaska – my nephews. I would finally be home.

The second way led me somewhere new; a place I’d never been before and where I knew no one. It would mean the lack of a safety net and the very unlikely reality of success.

~*~

Put starkly like that on (virtual) paper, the answer seems obvious. I should go home, where I could actually be part of my family. I could witness my nephews’ lives and they could know me. I would have a safe space at my mom’s that would allow me time to get a good job and start creating a more solid, permanent life. Most of all, I miss Alaska. It is the only place I feel complete and I want to be there every single day.

Still, I just could not shake the knowing that I would be returning home without proving what I set first out to prove (to myself) when I left Alaska seven years ago. I can’t quite put into words exactly what that is, but it falls somewhere along the line of bravery and adventure and taking risks. It meant never having to wonder ‘What if…’.

I went round, upside down and sideways in my head for months trying to work out which path should become my road, and it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I really listened to what my heart was saying. Then I did, and I had to admit that it didn’t matter how many good, real reasons I had for Alaska. There could be hundreds, together equaling 99% of the driving force behind my decision, but that remaining 1% would be because just going home was easier, safer and less scary. I would have gone home because of fear and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

~*~

So I’m going to Washington. I know people who live there, but not any (to my knowledge) in the city I’ve picked. Bellingham is about 1 ½ hours north of Seattle. It’s right on the water, near mountains and has clean air. There is a ton of hiking trails, many waterfalls, and three independent bookstores. Also, it has a lot of coffee shops. I’m going to try to make it my new home.

I have enough money to get me there and afford a place for five weeks. I’ll give my absolute best to find a job and a more permanent place to live, but I know I face the very strong likelihood that my best might not be enough. 

Fear and terror do not even begin to describe the swirling tornado that’s existed inside me the past couple weeks. I am nervous about my car making the trip. I've been worried to tears over how Faelina will do. I'm terrified that I will end this journey with no money left in my bank account. I am facing the very real possibility of failure, and of the people in my life knowing that I failed. About once a day I get the sensation that the safe, solid ground I’m standing upon has not only become Kjeragbolten (that big rock in Norway), but the rock has finally slipped from the mountain’s grasp and is taking me with it. It's a hard sensation to come back from. And yet...

“…Every choice feeds every choice that comes after, whether we want those choices or no…”

I read this line in ‘Every Heart a Doorway’, the first of the fantastic Wayward Children’s series by Seanan McGuire. My mind and body gave an electric jolt when I first read them, because they so simply expressed what I was afraid of most.

~*~

Three years ago, I was confused and so unsure of what I wanted. When my best friend offered me the chance to come live with her I agreed. In part, it was because I loved the idea of being able to see Stephanie more than a couple times year (if that), but it was also the easier, less frightening alternative to picking a state where I knew no one. I don’t regret that decision but I also didn’t want to continue down a path wherein I always chose the easier option. Doing that turns a decision into a pattern and then a habit, one that becomes increasingly hard to break with each successive choice. Washington my not work out, but I'll at least know that was brave enough and capable enough to go for it and doing so will feed into future opportunites to chase after new adventures as they arise.

If I can't find work, I should have just barely enough cash to get me and Faelina home. I'm ok with that alternative. Like I said earlier I miss Alaska. I miss my nephews, and there is a big part of me that despises myself for choosing me over them. I have to do it this way though, because I can't live with myself forever wondering and I will not live a life driven by fear.

*~*~*