News and Words

So today was the big day. At 7:30 this morning I walked into the nurses office at work and stepped onto that scale. I didn't lose anymore weight and, according to what I was told, I didn't gain any either. I stayed the same as last week which means the extra Ensure/food each day did what it was supposed to. Unfortunately, there really wouldn't have been any result that would have left me satisfied. Part of me is happy this last week of discomfort wasn't for nothing, and by that I mean that I didn't lose any more. Part of me is relieved that I didn't gain. And she is furious that the number didn't continue downward. She is also telling me that I was lied to, that I did in fact gain 10 pounds and I need to cut out that Ensure and more next week. I won't. I am determined not to let her get the best of me.

So that's my news for the weekend. Now, onto a few words from others that have resonated with me these last few days.

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"Over the years, people have asked me, "Do you really hear voices?" No, but I will say that Ed screaming in my head was way more powerful than any audible voice could have been."   ~Jenni Schaefer Life Without Ed

I talk an awful lot about my disorder and what she tells me to do, or just how loud her yelling is. I'm sure at least some of you have wandered what exactly I mean by that. Do I really hear an actual voice in my head telling me what I am and what to do - No. But what I hear is way worse, does more harm, than any actual voice - real or imagined - ever could.  

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"What had he really gained by all this trouble? What had he brought back from this long and weary journey?
Nothing, you say? Perhaps so; nothing but a charming woman, who, strange as it may appear, made him the happiest of men!
Truly, would you not for less than that make the tour around the world?"
~Jules Verne

These were the last lines of Verne's "Around the World in Eighty Days". It's the second book of his I've read, and I thoroughly enjoyed both. The way he writes evokes such vivid imagery in my mind, and I so wish I could be on the adventures his characters partake in. Though, what I loved most about this particular book were these words and their message that love really is what matters.

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" "Why are you sad?"  "Because you speak to me in words, and I look at you with feelings."  "   ~Leo Tolstoy

I remember writing about Anna Karenina last summer and being lulled under the magical spell of the words in it's pages. I ran across this line again recently and it won't stop echoing in my mind. There's power behind them. They're raw truth.

 

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That is everything with me for now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Today

For kind of a mid-week check-in on how the extra meal per day is going. To put it simply, I hate it. I am uncomfortably full all the time and most hours merely the thought of eating makes me nauseous, actually eating is even worse. I won't know for certain how much weight I've gained until Friday, but I definitely feel like I've added a good 10 pounds in the last 4 days alone. And the guilt, holy cow, I had no idea that adding another 350 calories to my day would give her so much leverage to make me feel like the most pathetic, worthless, out of control person on the planet.

I spent Sunday afternoon out with a friend so I brought my Ensure with me to drink as we were driving. It wasn’t that hard in the moment because we were having fun, there was laughter, and there was a lot of positive distraction. She was disgusted though, and as soon I swallowed that last drop, a rush of guilt went pulsing through my veins that still hasn't dissipated. She couldn't believe I'd just consumed so many calories, and she instantly began listing all of the things I should do to mitigate the damage I’d just done. I should cut out cut out lunch, or dinner, or my night snack. I should go walk for an hour when I got home. I should work out, not just an easy yoga routine either, but a hard core Jillian Michaels exercise or two or three.

Yesterday, I switched from the Ensure to actual food and had a high-calorie protein bar and fruit as soon as I got to work in the morning. Eating went ok, although I definitely didn’t enjoy it, but the impact on my thoughts afterwards was shocking. She made me feel so overwhelmingly full that even eating a salad seemed more difficult than running a marathon (she actually probably would have loved a marathon). I fought with her all day long on whether or not I should skip a side on one of my meals. I fought all day with her on how much exercise or physical activity I should do. I wanted so badly to do what she was telling me to do.I wanted her to be right.

 So far the worst thing I’ve done food wise is choose some lighter calorie options at some meals, but I am having every part of a meal. So far I have had an extra 350 calories every day since Friday. I am still walking as much as I was before and I have (like before) done some light yoga routines, but I haven’t strayed into the category of “strenuous” exercise. My best friend has been texting me every night to make sure I've had my extra food, and another friend is making sure I wake up to a Facebook message reminding me to eat. Those two daily reminders have been incredibly helpful, and I am very grateful. I have noticed that after walking my legs aren't quite as tired as they have been of late. I've noticed too that I am a little less tired overall. Those are good things that I try to pay attention to. Sunday was truly one of the best days I've had in a long time, and every day there have been bright moments of laughter and joy - glimpses of the life that I am fighting for.

~~~~~

 Something else happened today that wasn't full of joy, and definitely quieted my laughter. The details aren't mine to share, but my thoughts I feel I must.

Throughout the course of my recovery, there have been times where I’ve felt anger towards my disorder and the chaos she's created in my life. It also isn’t uncommon for me to experience flashes of annoyance and irritation with her and what she’s taken away from me thus far. Normally though, I don’t have room for anger. Normally all my energy is wrapped up in fighting her. She responds to my fight by hitting back hard almost every day with shame, pain, guilt, and self-loathing. Her punches, kicks, yells and insults are often transformed into physical manifestations of weakness, exhaustion, headaches, nausea, stomach-aches, and occasionally actual physical pain. Often these daily battles leaves me feeling tearful and defeated at days end. I try not to turn to anger then, because I feel that if I did that the anger would cause me to lose focus on what I’m fighting for. I think for me giving into anger would make it easier for her to overpower me. So I chose to fight with my spirit and my heart instead.

Today I am angry, but not with her. I am angry that people I care about have to experience this same torment. I’m angry that wonderful, strong, smart, beautiful, amazing individuals have to suffer with a voice in their head that’s telling them every day they aren’t good enough, aren’t’ worthy enough of happiness and a life full of freedom. I wish so badly that their disorders were real physical beings that I could pull out of their minds and stomp out forever. I’m angry that I can’t do more to help them, kind of a laughable thought I know considering most days I’m barely capable of helping myself. I'm angry at the helpless feelings these disorders create in their victims, and angry at how helpless the people who love them feel when they can't help. It makes me angry, and it makes my heart hurt.

We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?

Aragorn: Gentlemen, we do not stop 'til nightfall.
Pippin: What about breakfast?
Aragorn: You've already had it.
Pippin: We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?

 
[Aragorn turns and walks away] 

Merry: I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.  

Pippin: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?  

Merry: I wouldn't count on it.

~~*~~

The above quote is one of my favorites from the Lord of the Rings movies. It's always struck me as both funny and sweetly innocent. Little did I know that one day all those meals Pippin lists off would share a shocking resemblance to my daily life. When I first went to Mercy I was put on a meal plan designed for weight gain. Three full meals (2 with dessert) and two snacks. Before Mercy, the amount of food I let myself eat in a day was maybe – maybe – calorically equivalent to just one of the meals at Mercy. Suffice it to say, those first few meals at Mercy were a bit shocking. The first few weeks I steadily gained weight, the meal plan was working; however, at a certain point the gaining stopped and I entered into a weight plateau. The Dr and dietitians in the program explained that this was a typical thing to happen to patients and that when it did the go to fix it was to add an Ensure Plus to ones meal plan.

In case anyone isn't familiar with what Ensure is, here is the description for it on the company's website:

Ensure Plus Nutrition to help gain or maintain a healthy weight.

Each bottle of #1 doctor recommended brand Ensure Plus has the right balance to help you take charge of your health. Every ready-to-drink shake has 350 nutrient-rich calories, 13 grams of protein, and 23 essential vitamins and minerals.

It was a drink every patient at Mercy was familiar with. When we first started that was what we were given for our afternoon snack, and if for any reason we did not finish our breakfast or lunch we had to drink Ensure as a replacement. Each morning we would have to hand it a sheet of paper documenting what we'd eaten for dinner the night before, and if we had missed any part of our meal plan we were given Ensure to replace it. And like I said before, it was also what was added to a meal plan to bump up weight gain, or at least we had to add something calorically equivalent to an Ensure. Some patients just wanted the Ensure because the idea eating more actual food was just to much. Others preferred food to the drink and this tended to be the case with me.

By the time I was discharged from the program, I had had two extra Ensures added to my meal plan. It truly felt like I was having breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper. Not to long after, something happened that led me to think I had reached a healthy weight, and backed off a bit on the intensity of my daily food intake. For awhile that seemed to be working, I felt good and my weekly weight checks showed most weeks my weight had remained at a healthy number,whatever that may be (I still don't know what I actually weigh).

However, five weeks ago I started a training class for a new job at work, and the initial set up of the training class really did a number of me. I've already posted about the incredibly close brush with relapse I had because of those two weeks, and while I'm definitely on stronger firmer ground there are still bits of those first weeks that echo through my days now. I've talked about the up tick in walking I'd been doing and that hasn't stopped. That in and of itself would probably be fine, but with an increase in energy spent there needed to be an increase in the amount of food I ate and that didn't happen. I have never skipped a meal since starting at Mercy, but there have definitely been times when I have cut out parts of meals, or chosen less calorie options. As much as I hate to admit it, I know that this has occurred with increasing frequency since the training started.

Yesterday I went in for my weight check and I found I'd lost weight. It was the third time in the last four weeks that's happened, and that fourth week I'd only maintained. I don't know how much I've lost, but I think that matters as much as the fact that it's now a trend instead of an anomaly. When I found out last week that I had lost, I tried really, really hard to not cut anything out. I made a huge effort to add one thing to my meal plan each day. It was not fun, and while I had a few good days, there were some so emotionally awful I had people I barely knew stopping me to ask if I was ok. There were a couple of days I did skip dessert, and most days when I tried to add something, the most I could do was an apple, or yogurt or a few almonds. It was better than nothing, but apparently, definitely, not enough.

The way it is set up now, I go in for a weight check Friday mornings at the health center at work. The nurse takes my weight and then calls my therapist to let her know what it was. If the news is good I would just get a text from her letting me know I was fine. If the news is bad I get a call, so when I checked my phone yesterday morning and saw a voicemail from my therapist I instantly knew what was up (or rather down) and that something needed to change. I called her back and she let me know in no uncertain terms that both she and the nurse were really concerned. She wanted to know what I thought, and I said it was clear that my adding 'something' wasn't cutting it, and it was time to fall back on the Mercy go-to, I needed to add an Ensure.

So that's the plan, I'm back to having 'second breakfast', and if next Friday my weight still drops then 'elevenses' it is. My therapist also said that when we next meet we are going to have a talk and come up with a concrete agreement of just how far this can go before I have to consider going back to Mercy. Now, I am incredibly grateful for that program and the staff there; they did phenomenal things for me. And the days spent there weren't the worst ever, sure there were a lot of pain and tears and overfull stomachs, but there was also laughter, love, support, crafts, cooking and even some karaoke. However, I am bound and determined not to go back there. I am motivated to make sure I don't. I am supposed to be doing a walk for Eating Disorder awareness on April 26^th and I want to be there. I don't want to go back to not being allowed to walk down my street, or be put on another caffeine ban, or be out of work on disability. I don't want to reach a point where my family and friends are so worried about me that I have to be supervised at all times. These however, are all secondary factors to the main underlying reason of why I'm determined not to return. I don't want to go back to a life where she is in charge and I am just along for the ride. That wasn't life, wasn't living, that was hell.

When I got home after work yesterday I had an Ensure first thing. It was harder than I'd thought, but I guess the universe knew it would be, because there was a letter from my sister waiting for me and I read that as I sipped. This morning I had Ensure right after my morning coffee, and I already know when I'll have it tomorrow. Thankfully they're not the worst tasting things, but I do tend to prefer eating my calories vs drinking them, so I've bought some extra snacks to get me through the work week. I also think it would be slightly less awkward to simply be eating extra food at work rather than pulling out an Ensure. My amazing best friend has agreed to keep me on track and will be texting me nightly to make sure I've followed my meal plan plus one Ensure, and for anyone reading this feel free to do the same. Most days my appetite ranges from meager to so non-existent that the thought of food makes me feel sick, so it helps to be held accountable. Hopefully, next weekend I'll be able to share good news – that the weight loss has stopped. And it looks like I'll have to get accustomed to 'second breakfast' being a regular thing again. Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Who I Am

"I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul. The world is so guarded and fearful. I appreciate rawness so much."  ~Emery Allen
 

As anyone reading this likely knows, I have lately shared many details about one of the darkest moments in my life. Nothing I have shared has been easy, but never once have I regretted it. My intention for this post was to open a door that allows others to see a different part of my heart, one that is not so wrapped up in tears and angst. What I didn't know when I started writing this was that I would be giving myself a gift as well. I've commented before that writing when I am having a day helps me to handle those negative emotions and not give in to what my disorder is telling me I should do. Writing this has helped me in a different way. This is not my favorite thing I've written. It feels choppy, lacks flow, I can't quite seem to find the right way to organize all my words and thoughts. That doesn't matter though, because I think it's was meant to serve a different purpose. Writing this has helped me to remember that my whole life hasn't been about anorexia and that my whole life will not always be consumed by it. Right now most of my posts are about my recovery from anorexia, because right now feels as thought most of my life exists in the disorder. But that isn't the case. Yes I have an eating disorder. It is doing it's damn best to kill me. I am doing my damn best to make sure it doesn't. Every day is war and I am not always the victor. I will keep fighting though until I win. This has been a very up and down week for me, today especially. I got some news that is going to make the fight much harder than it has been of late. I've been working on this post for awhile, and even though I don't feel it's quite complete I think it's a good idea that I post this tonight. It's a reminder as to why I have to keep fighting. A reminder that I have dreams and hopes; I have bad habits and favorite things. It's a promise that I am so much more than just a person with an eating disorder.

I am stubborn, and sometimes whiny. I have this annoying habit of laughing when I am mad. If I'm not laughing I cry. Both are incredibly frustrating, because how do you work through an argument if one thinks you aren't being serious, or another can't understand you through the sobs? Silence, signifies that I am truly angry, and when that does happen, the anger rarely dies. I hate alcohol more than makes sense. Yes cigarettes and drugs are worse, but it is alcohol that hurt me and that pain is something I can't forget. The more I care about someone the more I hate them drinking at all. That can be tricky sometimes. I am terrified of getting cancer, but even more fearful of Alzheimer's. The idea of forgetting my life, my family, of forgetting who I am, is something that fills me with horror and dread. I honestly don't understand how anyone could prefer dogs over cats. For me a cats contented purr is better than almost anything. It's ok that I don't understand though, and it's ok that dog people (or bird people or rabbit people etc...) don't understand why I think cats are better. If we were all the same, all felt the same, believed the same, life would be boring. The world would be very dull (or possibly absolute chaos). I like to sweep, it is like a zen thing for me. I do not like washing dishes. My main way of thinking is by having "conversations" with people in my head. I imagine I'm talking to my mom, or best friend, a co-worker or sometimes a vague acquaintance and it is in that way I am able to work through an issue and come up with ideas. Sounds weird I know, but it's how my mind works. I am definitely in the mind set of quality versus quantity. I would much rather have less than others but own things that are well made and will last a long time, than have a lot. I also do not like clutter, which is unfortunate because I can create clutter faster than I can say my name. Although just to be clear, I do not consider books clutter. My favorite music genre is Celtic music, which may surprise some because I don't actually listen to it all that much. But if I was told that I could only listen to the songs of one artist for the rest of my life, I would choose Mary Chapin Carpenter. I am not religious by any means, but I do think there is something greater in the earth or the universe than humans. I don't know what that is, but I just don't think we live and die and that's it. I'm not too concerned about figuring it out though; call it God, or Gods, the language of the Universe, or magic, all I know is that there is something connecting all of us. I don't talk about this much because I have very religious friends who want me to turn that feeling into following their religion, and very non-religious friends who would think I am crazy. I think people just need to leave others alone and be less inintolerant of those who disagree with them. My mom, my sisters and my best friend are the most important and most loved people in my life. I wouldn't trade the parents I have, or the sisters I was given for anything. I have not always been the kindest big sister, and that is something I will forever regret. However, I do love them both, more than my own life and I would do anything to make sure they are ok. The memory of my dad is always with me. "Treat people the way you want to be treated", "Take responsibility for the consequences of your actions", and "Follow your bliss", things he used used to say that echo in my mind daily. He was very big on trust and passed that on to me. I know I screwed up and lost the trust of a many people, and I am working very hard to get that back. I love Alaska more than any other thing in my life. I miss it more than I could possibly ever hope to express, and I think that if I ever let myself truly acknowledge the strength of that feeling my tears would never stop. I have left a part of me behind there, so that no matter where I go or what I am doing, a piece of my heart is wandering through the Chugach forest waiting for me to come back to claim it. If Alaska has my heart, then Big Bend has my soul. Never has my spirit felt more free or alive than when I was climbing the mountains of that great desert or floating through the canyon walls along the Rio Grande. I do want to know what it feels like to be head over heels in love with someone, but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. Most people today approach dating in a way that is just not who I am. They meet online, they go to a bar with friends. That isn't me. And if I were to meet someone I liked the idea of actually telling them...well, jumping out of a plane sounds easier. I am a night owl by nature, and for me staying up late is as easy as breathing. Whether I am climbing a mountain, mushing through the woods, on a roadtrip with friends, or curled up at home reading, everything feels more right when it is dark and the stars have their chance to shine. And when I've stayed up all night and get to see the sunrise, well, that is my favorite time of day. I am a daughter of the moon and love it in all its stages. I have often gone out to dance beneath it when it's full - an absolute incredible experience and something I recommend everyone try at least once. Most people know that the Big Dipper is my favorite constellation. In my mind, those stars are Alaska's, when I see them I am home. I have studied those stars and looked up their names. To me they've become a family of brothers and sisters each with a distinct personality. When I look up into the sky at night not only does the site of them transport me home, but I also sense theirs is a story waiting to be told, I just haven't learned it yet. I have long been wanting to learn all of the constellations but, to borrow a line I once read “Aside from the Dipper and Orion and the Teapot, constellations tend to hide in the stars". Someday though I will find them. I never feel more vulnerable, more connected to the world than just upon waking. I think that is because in sleep my body remembers forgets to be dominated by sight, and remembers to take in the world with all of my senses. I love the world of dreams I fall into while sleeping. They defy laws of nature, they fail to make sense. Some I forget even before waking, but others I think will stay with me always. The times where I can fly. Dreams where I'm camped on the oceans floor and whales swim by me.  And one night where a sparkling rainbow hung over the ocean at midnight. Sure there are times when nightmares take over, but I would gladly take a few nights of waking up terrified in order for me to wake most mornings full of wonder. Winter is my favorite season. I find it comforting when snow covers the ground, like a huge blanket is wrapped around the earth. When I am home curled up in my own blankets and I see the snow outside, I feel especially secure. I may have been born in summer, but I am definitely Winter's child.  I really don't like summer - unless I'm in Alaska. I prefer it's cooler summer weather, I don't mind the rain, and I so love the long hours of daylight that occur in northern summers. I don't like heat, I despise humidity. That isn't to say I am miserable all summer or that I can't enjoy it at all, because I'm not and I do. It's simply that during spring and summer I always feel like something is missing, and it's only when fall and winter return that the world feels right. There are a few places though where summer never ends that I think I could be happy in. Hawaii comes to mind, I think I could be content there for awhile. I feel safest when I am surrounded by mountains. When I can look up and see - in any direction - those tall, solid guards warding off my perceived dangers of the world. The fact that I don't have them in Maine is a constant source of anxiety for me. I see hints of magic everywhere. I feel a fairy hiding behind the next tree in the woods, I look up at a mountain ridge and imagine vampires running and leaping across the top. I look across a valley at a mountain peak to spot a dragon flying land at it's top and roar fire over the valley and river below. It is harder for me to find those moments in Maine, and I think that is just one of the many reasons why I miss Alaska as much as I do. There I could be anywhere and look up to see magic hiding, while here I have to go look for it. I wish for magic to be real more than I could ever say. I am drawn to the colors indigo, purple, silver, and gold because it is within them that the reality of magic is most present. It is likely why I prefer night to day. With people home at sleep you are less aware of their presence, and the darkness and quietness of night brings magical promises to life. I would give just about anything to be able to walk through Hogwarts Halls, watch the waterfalls at Rivendell, or step through a wardrobe into Narnia. If I was told it was possible, if someone said I could step through the pages of a book into a world of spells, and unicorns and wizards I would do it. Even if that meant leaving everything and everyone I love behind forever. With one caveat though - this new world must have mountains, the stars and the moon. Those are three things I cannot live without. I love words. Love the way some look on the page, the way they feel in your mouth as you say them, how some flow so smoothly together when you write them, love meaning they've been given. I love when they can stand  strong on their own, or when they've been combined to form the most beautiful phrases or unconditional truths. There are times they touch me so much I wish I could live inside them, not in the stories they create or the promises they hold, but in the actual words themselves. With my love of magic and words it makes perfect sense that books are my favorite escape. They have been even before I could read thanks to my mom reading to me and playing books on tape. I could live in a bookstore or library if allowed. And while I love all libraries and bookstores, the best ones are the ones with a cat. My dream home has the library from Beauty in the Beast, and while I realize that might be a slightly unrealistic wish, someday I will have a home library if only a small one. Books are one thing I collect, coffee cups are the other. And speaking of coffee, to me the smell of fresh brewed coffee first thing in the morning is one of the best in the world. I have recently begun to start all my days with a cup of coffee in bed and it has become one of the best gifts I could give myself. My love of coffee is something that extends past it's wonderful smell and exquisite taste. In my mind it provides a connection between me and others. There is something very special about sharing a cup of coffee with a friend, something incredibly rewarding about having someone make a cup of coffee for you. It extends past borders and boundaries, across culture and through time. As far as what type of coffee I prefer, hands down I'm a dark roast kind of girl. I am happiest when I am reading, creating, learning, exploring, and moving. I want to spend time on a coffee bean plantation, not just visit, but actually stand side by side with the workers and work alongside them. I want to experience what they do, and understand as fully as possible all that it takes to make my early morning coffee possible. I want to do the same with a cocoa tree plantation. I want to spend time in Africa to help stop the illegal poaching of rhinos and elephants. I want to work to completely end the hunting of whales. I want to go on an extended 'job shadow' if you will, of someone who photographs whales way out into the ocean. To swim with whales, now that is one of my deepest desires. Spirit animals: if we have one, mine is a whale - humpbacks specifically. And if I ever had the chance to turn into another animal that is what I choose. More than anywhere in the world I want to visit Antarctica. My hope is that someday I will find a job the allows me to spend time there. I don't care what the job is, I just want to be able to explore that part of the earth. I want to feel the extreme cold, live in months of daylight - or darkness -, to feel that isolation that can only be found at the bottom of the world. I want to spend time in Italy living over a small family restaurant. In return for room and board I'll work for free and learn how to cook incredible, delicious meals. I want to explore all of Ireland, to walk out in the cold air and fog, for my skin to soak up the Irish rain and history of the land. I want to touch every hill, rock, crag, and keep watch for the leprechauns and fairies...I want to see all of the world. I don't want to die wondering what it is like to walk through the streets of Paris, or to wonder forever if the waters of Greece are really that blue. I want to experience all cultures, to learn new ways of life. I wish I had been gifted with the ability to draw, to paint, to sculpt etc... I know my efforts are not the worst in the world, but they always leave me less than satisfied. My ultimate dream is to be a writer, but I do not know if that is something that will ever come true. My idea of a the perfect ‘lazy day’ would be to go for an early morning 15 mile run and then spend the rest of the day in bed watching movies and reading and drinking coffee. I do know though that my body is not something that will ever support running 15 miles so that lazy day will never happen. But I do love to be active. I love to move. I like pushing myself so that when I go to bed at the end of each day I feel pleasantly exhausted. I have learned; however, am still learning that pushing your body to extreme limits is unkind (to yourself) and does more harm than good. Still, for me to go through a day without moving is an unpleasant experience. I love knowing secrets. I often wish I could go back in history and discover the truths of some of our greatest mysteries. I think the reason I love learning other languages and writing in code, and the reason behind my fascination of locked roll top desks and travelling trunks is because they hold inside them secrets waiting to be uncovered. I am both a classic introvert and very shy. My introverted tendencies make it easy for me to stay home and just hang out with my cats. That actually is often what I prefer. My idea of a fun Friday night would be stay home in pajamas, while working on a puzzle and listening to Harry Potter, or watching a movie and crocheting, or reading -always reading. I do have fun going out with family and friends but in order to recharge and build up my energy I need time to be alone. My shyness holds me back from suggesting plans. I always feel like I am imposing myself upon others and that if I ask them to hang out they only say yes because they don't want to be rude. I feel like it's only when they ask that they truly want to see me. Regardless of the reasons behind plans with friends, I always prefer to see one or two other friends at a time rather than go out in a big group. And a night in with friends watching movies, playing games, working on art projects and/or talking, is definitely preferable then going out to a party. When I look back on the things I am most proud of in my life, they usually have to do with moments when something scared me and I did it anyways. I want people to see me as fearless. I am working hard to become so, but there are so many things I have not yet been able to do because of fear. Much of my fear is centered around people rather than actions or activities. Drive across the country - no problem. But going up and talking to someone I don't know, or putting into words thoughts that have been filling my mind, that is a very scary thing for me, a hurdle I have yet to make great progress on. When I imagine the future, I see myself living Alaska, in a smallish cabin set deep in the woods on the side of a mountain. Looking out my windows I have my own view of the mountains stretching wide across a river valley. Somewhere nearby is a river, or brook, or waterfall, and in the summer I can lie in bed and hear the flow of the water through my open windows. My home will be surrounded by lilac trees and silver maples, and I'll have gardens full of roses, and daisies, and forget-me-nots. I'll spend my days walking through the woods with my two dogs – a husky and a golden retriever – and my nights I'll be curled up with my cats, reading, next to a woodstove fire in my library. I don't know that vision will ever happen. It's possible that over time my dream will change into some new kind of wonderful. Either way it's a nice thing to carry with me through my days of wandering.

I dream sometimes of a midnight knock at my door. That I'll open it and find someone waiting to take my hand and escape into a world of adventure. There are days where I want to step out of my life and disappear into the woods forever. I have moments of wondering if my deepest desires will ever happen. Sometimes I don't know what I want, all I know is I want change to step back into my life. The question for me though is not when or where or how, but that if that moment comes will I be brave enough to take it? 

Peaceful Moment

During the winter months I move my bed to rest alongside my bedroom window. I prefer having it there. I love curling up with a cup of coffee and watching the stillness of the street in the mornings. In the evening I wrap myself up with blankets, get lost in the pages of a book and drink  a hot cup of cinnamon tea while frequently glancing down to see the cars driving by and people passing in out and out of the buildings on the street. I like it there because at night as I am falling asleep I can look up at the sky and see a few stars twinkling.

At some point in the quiet dark hours of last night, I opened my eyes and was immediately greeting by the softest black velvet sky and one of the most stunnng amber half moons I have ever seen. Looking at it I felt transported. I didn’t feel like I was laying in bed, in an old building on Maine st. I felt like I was lying in a huge soft bed of silk, high in a castle turret. I felt like I was in a world full of wizards and dragons, of spells and enchantments. These days it is only while sleeping that I have true peace of mind, but in that moment, still on the edges of sleep, I had yet to be brought back to the reality of life. The person lying comfortably in bed, staring up at the moon was me and no one else. I felt calm, I was happy. After a few minutes of watching I closed my eyes once more and took that beautiful sight with me into my dreams. It was such a perfect moment that I just had to share.

Tired

How?

How can something with no real voice scream so loudly?
How does something made up only of thoughts, cause food to turn to ash in your mouth?
Make your stomach hurt at the thought of eating more, when you really haven't eaten much all that much?
Make even the loosest clothes seem tight?
Tell you you haven't moved enough today, so you need to stay up late tonight?

How can you fight something that beats you down with every step?
How can you keep fighting when you feel you have no strength left?
Family, friends, cats, hopes, dreams, life...
That's why I'll keep fighting even though I don't want to tonight.




She is being very loud tonight.
This past week was surprisingly bearable, a kind a breath of fresh air. However, yesterday I heard her inhale sharply preparing herself for the next attack. That seems to be the case with bad days like these, they seem to build slowly over the weekend. Maybe because weekends used to be my worst days behavior wise and the fact that I won't do what she's used to doing makes her angry? I don't know. I'm not even upset, or sad, or in pain. I'm just tired of her living in my mind. And I'm tired of fighting. Tired of the bone deep weariness and exhaustion that comes with never having peace of mind. I won't stop, but tonight it might be for others and not myself that I keep fighting. 

A Fun Little Exercise

One afternoon at Mercy one of the social workers handed all the patients a sheet with a list of the following objects: animal, color, music, flower, tree, food and texture.

She told us to complete the following two sentences "If I were a ..... I would be this" and "If someone said I was a ..... this is what they would choose". It was actually a fun activity and when we had gone through the entire list we started coming up with new examples of things we could choose. The purpose of the activity I think, was to recognize the difference in the way we view ourselves versus how we think others see us. Given the fact that we keep certain aspects of our true selves secret from others, it makes sense that we think they might come up with a different answer.  I was curious at the end of it to see what people would say if I did indeed ask them what they thought we would be, and so with a few people I did. I was right on a couple of occasions and given answers that were quite surprising on others. My favorite by far was was my sister Kairi's answer to what music I would be "smooth jazz with a touch of heavy metal".

I think about that activity often. I know right now my idea of what other's physically see when they look at me is likely pretty off, because right now my own view is rather skewed. I wonder too the person they see based off everything I've shared with the world. If anyone reading this is up for it, I would love to know what you think I would be with regards to the objects listed above. Mostly though, I want to encourage you to try this little exercise for yourselves. Come on with your answers to both questions and then ask people to see how their responses compare. I think you might be pleasantly surprised.

A Day Full of Wonderful Moments

Today was a good day. I wasn't free from the struggles I've written about lately but I woke up feeling safe and strong and grateful and, miraculously, that feeling never left. I just want to share a few of the things that today made my life beautiful, and wonderful, and worth fighting for.

-Dreams that leave you feeling safe, even upon waking 
-Coffee
-Drinking Coffee in bed first thing,  while wrapped up in my slanket watching Faelina attacking shadows
-Synge quietly curling up in my lap to steal a few moments of my time while her  
 sister was occupied
-Sprinkling essential oil onto the shower walls before stepping into the hot water, it smells amazing, an instant mood lifter
-My east facing apartment that let me greet todays blood red sunrise
-Glitter aka Fairy dust - because we all need a little sparkle in our lives
-Snow - the way it graces the trees, how it feels beneath my fingertips, the way it  blows with the wind
-My own homemade lip gloss - coconut oil, honey and vanilla...it keeps my lips super soft, smells divine, and doesn't taste half bad either (not that I regularly make a habit of eating my lip gloss)
-Harry Potter Stationary
-Singing along to my favorite songs on the radio while driving to work
-Shakespeare's "Timon of Athens"
-Clothes that actually feel comfortable - I've been holding off on buying new clothes despite the fact that everything I own feels tight because I hate spending money on clothes (books and coffee - that's what money should be spent on!), but I broke down this weekend and I'm so glad I did.
-Not having to rush into work - because I actually left on time today!
-Having people to share Harry Potter excitement with
-Lines of new poems filling my mind and begging to be set to paper
-Cinnamon apple spice tea
-Cinnamon itself - mixed into yogurt, sprinkled on coffee, topping hot chocolate, roasted with sweet potatoes...it just makes everything taste so good
-Having time during a crowded interactive work day to break free for a few moments and just be alone
-Stepping out of work to see the almost full moon already a force in the sky even though the sun has not yet set and the sky is still blue.
-NPR
-The sound of the wind whispering through trees as I walked through town, and the way it felt blowing through my hair
-The sparkling lights wrapped around the gazebo in the park
-Maine street - I just love this town I live in
-Trees, tall dark silhouettes against a sky turning to it's own darkness
-Watching the moon come into it's own as that darkness fell
-Pajamas - Best. Clothes. Ever.
-Knowing that after I finish this I get to curl up in bed and lose myself inside a book until I fall asleep.

I wish you all a good night full of peaceful sleep and wonderful dreams