As anyone reading this likely knows, I have lately shared many details about one of the darkest moments in my life. Nothing I have shared has been easy, but never once have I regretted it. My intention for this post was to open a door that allows others to see a different part of my heart, one that is not so wrapped up in tears and angst. What I didn't know when I started writing this was that I would be giving myself a gift as well. I've commented before that writing when I am having a day helps me to handle those negative emotions and not give in to what my disorder is telling me I should do. Writing this has helped me in a different way. This is not my favorite thing I've written. It feels choppy, lacks flow, I can't quite seem to find the right way to organize all my words and thoughts. That doesn't matter though, because I think it's was meant to serve a different purpose. Writing this has helped me to remember that my whole life hasn't been about anorexia and that my whole life will not always be consumed by it. Right now most of my posts are about my recovery from anorexia, because right now feels as thought most of my life exists in the disorder. But that isn't the case. Yes I have an eating disorder. It is doing it's damn best to kill me. I am doing my damn best to make sure it doesn't. Every day is war and I am not always the victor. I will keep fighting though until I win. This has been a very up and down week for me, today especially. I got some news that is going to make the fight much harder than it has been of late. I've been working on this post for awhile, and even though I don't feel it's quite complete I think it's a good idea that I post this tonight. It's a reminder as to why I have to keep fighting. A reminder that I have dreams and hopes; I have bad habits and favorite things. It's a promise that I am so much more than just a person with an eating disorder.
I am stubborn, and
sometimes whiny. I have this annoying habit of laughing when I am
mad. If I'm not laughing I cry. Both are incredibly frustrating,
because how do you work through an argument if one thinks you aren't
being serious, or another can't understand you through the sobs?
Silence, signifies that I am truly angry, and when that does happen,
the anger rarely dies. I hate alcohol more than makes sense. Yes
cigarettes and drugs are worse, but it is alcohol that hurt me and
that pain is something I can't forget. The more I care about someone
the more I hate them drinking at all. That can be tricky sometimes. I
am terrified of getting cancer, but even more fearful of Alzheimer's.
The idea of forgetting my life, my family, of forgetting who I am, is
something that fills me with horror and dread. I honestly don't
understand how anyone could prefer dogs over cats. For me a cats
contented purr is better than almost anything. It's ok that I don't
understand though, and it's ok that dog people (or bird people or
rabbit people etc...) don't understand why I think cats are better.
If we were all the same, all felt the same, believed the same, life
would be boring. The world would be very dull (or possibly
absolute chaos). I like to sweep, it is like a zen thing for me. I do
not like washing dishes. My main way of thinking is by having
"conversations" with people in my head. I imagine I'm
talking to my mom, or best friend, a co-worker or sometimes a vague
acquaintance and it is in that way I am able to work through an issue
and come up with ideas. Sounds weird I know, but it's how my mind
works. I am definitely in the mind set of quality versus quantity. I
would much rather have less than others but own things that are well
made and will last a long time, than have a lot. I also do not like
clutter, which is unfortunate because I can create clutter
faster than I can say my name. Although just to be clear, I do not
consider books clutter. My favorite music genre is Celtic music,
which may surprise some because I don't actually listen to it all
that much. But if I was told that I could only listen to
the songs of one artist for the rest of my life, I would choose Mary
Chapin Carpenter. I am not religious by any means, but I do think
there is something greater in the earth or the universe than humans.
I don't know what that is, but I just don't think we live and die and
that's it. I'm not too concerned about figuring it out though; call
it God, or Gods, the language of the Universe, or magic, all I know
is that there is something connecting all of us. I don't talk about
this much because I have very religious friends who want me to turn
that feeling into following their religion, and very non-religious
friends who would think I am crazy. I think people just need to leave
others alone and be less inintolerant of those who disagree with them.
My mom, my sisters and my best friend are the most important and
most loved people in my life. I wouldn't trade the parents I have, or
the sisters I was given for anything. I have not always been the
kindest big sister, and that is something I will forever regret.
However, I do love them both, more than my own life and I would do
anything to make sure they are ok. The memory of my dad is
always with me. "Treat people the way you want to be treated",
"Take responsibility for the consequences of your actions",
and "Follow your bliss", things he used used to say that
echo in my mind daily. He was very big on trust and passed that on to
me. I know I screwed up and lost the trust of a many people, and I am
working very hard to get that back. I love Alaska more than any other
thing in my life. I miss it more than I could possibly ever hope to
express, and I think that if I ever let myself truly acknowledge the
strength of that feeling my tears would never stop. I have left a
part of me behind there, so that no matter where I go or what I am
doing, a piece of my heart is wandering through the Chugach forest
waiting for me to come back to claim it. If Alaska has my heart, then
Big Bend has my soul. Never has my spirit felt more free or alive
than when I was climbing the mountains of that great desert or
floating through the canyon walls along the Rio Grande. I do want to
know what it feels like to be head over heels in love with someone,
but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. Most people today approach
dating in a way that is just not who I am. They meet online, they go
to a bar with friends. That isn't me. And if I were to meet someone I
liked the idea of actually telling them...well, jumping out of a plane
sounds easier. I am a night owl by nature, and for me staying up late
is as easy as breathing. Whether I am climbing a mountain, mushing
through the woods, on a roadtrip with friends, or curled up at home
reading, everything feels more right when it is dark and the stars
have their chance to shine. And when I've stayed up all night and get
to see the sunrise, well, that is my favorite time of day. I am
a daughter of the moon and love it in all its stages. I have
often gone out to dance beneath it when it's full - an absolute
incredible experience and something I recommend everyone try at least
once. Most people know that the Big Dipper is my favorite
constellation. In my mind, those stars are Alaska's, when I see them
I am home. I have studied those stars and looked up their names. To
me they've become a family of brothers and sisters each with a
distinct personality. When I look up into the sky at night not only
does the site of them transport me home, but I also sense theirs is a
story waiting to be told, I just haven't learned it yet. I have long
been wanting to learn all of the constellations but, to borrow a line
I once read “Aside from the Dipper and Orion and the Teapot,
constellations tend to hide in the stars". Someday though I will
find them. I never feel more vulnerable, more connected to the world
than just upon waking. I think that is because in sleep my body
remembers forgets to be dominated by sight, and remembers to take in
the world with all of my senses. I love the world of dreams I fall
into while sleeping. They defy laws of nature, they fail to make
sense. Some I forget even before waking, but others I think will stay
with me always. The times where I can fly. Dreams where I'm camped on
the oceans floor and whales swim by me. And one night where a
sparkling rainbow hung over the ocean at midnight. Sure there are
times when nightmares take over, but I would gladly take a few nights
of waking up terrified in order for me to wake most mornings full of
wonder. Winter is my favorite season. I find it comforting when snow
covers the ground, like a huge blanket is wrapped around the earth.
When I am home curled up in my own blankets and I see the snow
outside, I feel especially secure. I may have been born in summer,
but I am definitely Winter's child. I really don't like
summer - unless I'm in Alaska. I prefer it's cooler summer weather, I
don't mind the rain, and I so love the long hours of daylight that
occur in northern summers. I don't like heat, I despise humidity.
That isn't to say I am miserable all summer or that I can't enjoy it
at all, because I'm not and I do. It's simply that during spring and
summer I always feel like something is missing, and it's only when
fall and winter return that the world feels right. There are a few
places though where summer never ends that I think I could be happy
in. Hawaii comes to mind, I think I could be content there for
awhile. I feel safest when I am surrounded by mountains. When I can
look up and see - in any direction - those tall, solid guards warding
off my perceived dangers of the world. The fact that I don't have
them in Maine is a constant source of anxiety for me. I see
hints of magic everywhere. I feel a fairy hiding behind the next tree
in the woods, I look up at a mountain ridge and imagine vampires
running and leaping across the top. I look across a valley at a
mountain peak to spot a dragon flying land at it's top and roar fire
over the valley and river below. It is harder for me to find
those moments in Maine, and I think that is just one of the many
reasons why I miss Alaska as much as I do. There I could be anywhere
and look up to see magic hiding, while here I have to go look for it.
I wish for magic to be real more than I could ever say. I am
drawn to the colors indigo, purple, silver, and gold because it
is within them that the reality of magic is most present. It is
likely why I prefer night to day. With people home at sleep you are
less aware of their presence, and the darkness and quietness of night
brings magical promises to life. I would give just about anything to
be able to walk through Hogwarts Halls, watch the waterfalls at
Rivendell, or step through a wardrobe into Narnia. If I was told it
was possible, if someone said I could step through the pages of a
book into a world of spells, and unicorns and wizards I would do it.
Even if that meant leaving everything and everyone I love behind
forever. With one caveat though - this new world must have
mountains, the stars and the moon. Those are three things I cannot
live without. I love words. Love the way some look on the page, the
way they feel in your mouth as you say them, how some flow so
smoothly together when you write them, love meaning they've been
given. I love when they can stand strong on their own, or when
they've been combined to form the most beautiful phrases or
unconditional truths. There are times they touch me so much I wish I
could live inside them, not in the stories they create or the
promises they hold, but in the actual words themselves. With my love
of magic and words it makes perfect sense that books are my favorite
escape. They have been even before I could read thanks to my mom
reading to me and playing books on tape. I could live in a bookstore
or library if allowed. And while I love all libraries and bookstores,
the best ones are the ones with a cat. My dream home has the library
from Beauty in the Beast, and while I realize that might be a
slightly unrealistic wish, someday I will have a home library if only
a small one. Books are one thing I collect, coffee cups are the
other. And speaking of coffee, to me the smell of fresh brewed coffee
first thing in the morning is one of the best in the world. I have
recently begun to start all my days with a cup of coffee in bed and
it has become one of the best gifts I could give myself. My love of
coffee is something that extends past it's wonderful smell and
exquisite taste. In my mind it provides a connection between me and
others. There is something very special about sharing a cup of coffee
with a friend, something incredibly rewarding about having someone
make a cup of coffee for you. It extends past borders and boundaries,
across culture and through time. As far as what type of coffee I
prefer, hands down I'm a dark roast kind of girl. I am happiest when
I am reading, creating, learning, exploring, and moving. I want to
spend time on a coffee bean plantation, not just visit, but actually
stand side by side with the workers and work alongside them. I
want to experience what they do, and understand as fully as possible
all that it takes to make my early morning coffee possible. I want to
do the same with a cocoa tree plantation. I want to spend time
in Africa to help stop the illegal poaching of rhinos and elephants.
I want to work to completely end the hunting of whales. I want to go
on an extended 'job shadow' if you will, of someone who photographs
whales way out into the ocean. To swim with whales, now that is one
of my deepest desires. Spirit animals: if we have one, mine is a
whale - humpbacks specifically. And if I ever had the chance to turn
into another animal that is what I choose. More than anywhere in the
world I want to visit Antarctica. My hope is that someday I will find
a job the allows me to spend time there. I don't care what the job
is, I just want to be able to explore that part of the earth. I want
to feel the extreme cold, live in months of daylight - or darkness -,
to feel that isolation that can only be found at the bottom of the
world. I want to spend time in Italy living over a small family
restaurant. In return for room and board I'll work for free and learn
how to cook incredible, delicious meals. I want to explore
all of Ireland, to walk out in the cold air and fog, for my skin
to soak up the Irish rain and history of the land. I want to touch
every hill, rock, crag, and keep watch for the leprechauns and
fairies...I want to see all of the world. I don't want to die
wondering what it is like to walk through the streets of Paris, or to
wonder forever if the waters of Greece are really that blue. I want
to experience all cultures, to learn new ways of life. I wish I had
been gifted with the ability to draw, to paint, to sculpt etc... I
know my efforts are not the worst in the world, but they always leave
me less than satisfied. My ultimate dream is to be a writer, but I do
not know if that is something that will ever come true. My idea of a
the perfect ‘lazy day’ would be to go for an early morning 15
mile run and then spend the rest of the day in bed watching movies
and reading and drinking coffee. I do know though that my body is not
something that will ever support running 15 miles so that lazy day
will never happen. But I do love to be active. I love to move. I like
pushing myself so that when I go to bed at the end of each day I feel
pleasantly exhausted. I have learned; however, am still learning that
pushing your body to extreme limits is unkind (to yourself) and does
more harm than good. Still, for me to go through a day without moving
is an unpleasant experience. I love knowing secrets. I often wish I
could go back in history and discover the truths of some of our
greatest mysteries. I think the reason I love learning other
languages and writing in code, and the reason behind my fascination
of locked roll top desks and travelling trunks is because they hold
inside them secrets waiting to be uncovered. I am both a classic
introvert and very shy. My introverted tendencies make it easy for me
to stay home and just hang out with my cats. That actually is often
what I prefer. My idea of a fun Friday night would be stay home in
pajamas, while working on a puzzle and listening to Harry Potter, or
watching a movie and crocheting, or reading -always reading. I do
have fun going out with family and friends but in order to recharge
and build up my energy I need time to be alone. My shyness holds me
back from suggesting plans. I always feel like I am imposing myself
upon others and that if I ask them to hang out they only say yes
because they don't want to be rude. I feel like it's only when they
ask that they truly want to see me. Regardless of the reasons behind
plans with friends, I always prefer to see one or two other friends
at a time rather than go out in a big group. And a night in with
friends watching movies, playing games, working on art projects
and/or talking, is definitely preferable then going out to a party.
When I look back on the things I am most proud of in my life, they
usually have to do with moments when something scared me and I did it
anyways. I want people to see me as fearless. I am working hard to
become so, but there are so many things I have not yet been able to
do because of fear. Much of my fear is centered around people rather
than actions or activities. Drive across the country - no problem.
But going up and talking to someone I don't know, or putting into
words thoughts that have been filling my mind, that is a very scary
thing for me, a hurdle I have yet to make great progress on. When I
imagine the future, I see myself living Alaska, in a smallish cabin
set deep in the woods on the side of a mountain. Looking out my
windows I have my own view of the mountains stretching wide across a
river valley. Somewhere nearby is a river, or brook, or waterfall,
and in the summer I can lie in bed and hear the flow of the water
through my open windows. My home will be surrounded by lilac trees
and silver maples, and I'll have gardens full of roses, and daisies,
and forget-me-nots. I'll spend my days walking through the woods with
my two dogs – a husky and a golden retriever – and my nights I'll
be curled up with my cats, reading, next to a woodstove fire in my
library. I don't know that vision will ever happen. It's possible
that over time my dream will change into some new kind of wonderful.
Either way it's a nice thing to carry with me through my days of
wandering.
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