How?
How can something with no real voice scream so loudly?How does something made up only of thoughts, cause food to turn to ash in your mouth?
Make your stomach hurt at the thought of eating more, when you really haven't eaten much all that much?
Make even the loosest clothes seem tight?
Tell you you haven't moved enough today, so you need to stay up late tonight?
How can you fight something that beats you down with every step?
How can you keep fighting when you feel you have no strength left?
Family, friends, cats, hopes, dreams, life...
That's why I'll keep fighting even though I don't want to tonight.
She is being very loud tonight.
This past week was surprisingly bearable, a kind a breath of fresh air. However, yesterday I heard her inhale sharply preparing herself for the next attack. That seems to be the case with bad days like these, they seem to build slowly over the weekend. Maybe because weekends used to be my worst days behavior wise and the fact that I won't do what she's used to doing makes her angry? I don't know. I'm not even upset, or sad, or in pain. I'm just tired of her living in my mind. And I'm tired of fighting. Tired of the bone deep weariness and exhaustion that comes with never having peace of mind. I won't stop, but tonight it might be for others and not myself that I keep fighting.
Hey Kelly, I don't know how you deal with these voices in your head. But sometimes for me, I approach the voice as a child. Someone who is trying to help me, but is just not doing the right thing. They can't help it. They do what they know. But their goal is just to keep me safe. So if I think of it like that, I can pull myself out of the fight and speak compassionately to this voice/child: "I know, you don't like it when I don't do what you want. But I hear you. You don't have to get louder. I hear you. I need you to sit over here for a while though." And it seems to help.
ReplyDeleteSending much love your way. You've come so far - and it's very brave of you to share it all here.
Thank you Sue. I've never tried that approach, but I'll give it a shot and see if it works.
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