Looking for the Good in the Not so Great Days

Today has not been my favorite day. Last night my body gave up the fight against the cold that had been threatening for days and this morning I'm feeling the full effect. My neighbor has literally lost his mind resulting in frustration and interrupted sleep thanks to his music and yelling at all hours of the day and night. And the combination of these two things have left me feeling rather gloomy.

Right now, I want nothing more then to be home in my new coffee pjs, wrapped up in blankets, and curled up with my cats, reading and drinking hot tea. (Of course with my neighbor the way he is right now that may or may not be as relaxing as it sounds) I don't like being in this frame of mind so when it happens I remind myself of the things I have and am grateful for, and look for something beautiful to lift my spirits.

So what am I grateful for? Today's random list includes: the book I'm currently reading "The Midwife of Hope River", pumpkin oatmeal, fleece blankets, cinnamon and nutmeg spices (especially when left to simmer on the stove), my cinnamon apple spice tea,  Synge's bill of perfect health she got from the vet yesterday, and Shakespeare plays. 

As for the something beautiful, I'm choosing a poem about my favorite season - autumn. I found this on Oatgasm one of my new favorite food blogs and it's author (who wrote this poem) has such a wonderful way of looking at the world....

On the eve of autumn, comes a woman of the earth

Her hands spread ancient wisdom, her touch gives grave and birth

With the grace of the season, she descends upon the land

Breathing life into the breeze and turning leaves by hand

Her eyes are made of sapphire, with a rippling ocean stare

As if she soaked up all the sky and left it white and bare

Her body cloaked in ivy lace, her hair let loose like vines

Her skin is dark and aging, like red autumnal wine

She wears a perfect perfume, of leaves and morning light

Mixed with sun drops in the day, and silver stars by night

She is the very reason wolves will howl by the pack

Even though they know the moon will never howl back

You’d be lucky, if you caught her, for she seldom makes a sound

Save the quiet crackle of her feet against the ground

If you listen quietly, you might hear her call

And only then will you know that summer’s faded into fall.

Have you seen the girl with a crown on her head

Made of forests and brambles and leaves burning red?

In springtime she beckons to the light of the sun

And in autumn she trembles as the leaves come undone

Her skin glows a sunset and her eyes a bright gleam

When she walks, in her path, grows a rich shade of green

From her hands grow blossoms and her feet grow roots

Verdant life seems to spring in every wake of her foot

You’ll know she is sad when from the heavens it rains

For she holds all the oceans inside of her veins

If you see your rippling reflection in the mirror of a pond

You’ll know she is smiling at you from beyond

Her voice can be heard in the first silence of spring

Or in autumn when the meadowlark ceases to sing

And if you listen carefully, she might just let you know

What sort of secrets on today she’ll bestow.

"This is My Last" moments

Maine St in Brunswick

Not long ago I mentioned the likelihood that this year would be my last in Maine – that after 4 years it would be time for me to go explore

somewhere new. If I stick to the 4 year mark that puts me leaving this beautiful state sometime next August. Of course when someone plans on a permanent leave they will inevitably experience many “this is my last” moments. Their last time to visit a favorite place, enjoy a favorite treat, and spend time with good friends. My last year in Alaska it seemed like these moments occurred daily. There were times the reality of those “this is my last” moments struck me so hard they brought tears to my eyes. Still I left and I did so because I knew it was the right thing.

I love Maine and so naturally I knew that in my last year the “this is my last” times would come. Well yesterday driving to a friend’s after work I had my first. I wasn’t expecting it, but as I was driving through the streets marveling at the beauty of the fall colors I suddenly remembered that a year from now I would be far away from Maine and its magical autumn wonder.  I love this time of year so much am beyond excited for these next few months to unfold. I foresee lots of laughing with friends, exciting adventures, good food, and of course coffee from Gelato Fiasco. However, I know that many moments will be bitter sweet as I live them knowing I soon won't be able to anymore. I plan to soak up as much of these months as I can and to enjoy them to the fullest!

Books, Cats and the Moon

This morning at the sound of my alarm I opened my sleep filled eyes and, head still resting on my pillow, looked out my window. I saw the moon, almost a crescent, way up above me barely visible threatening to get lost in the shadows of the rain-filled clouds wrapping themselves around it. It was so beautiful and alluring I longed to close my eyes again and drift with it through those clouds back into sleep and dreams…Alas, it was not meant to be.I got up and got ready for the day and perhaps tomorrow I'll see the moon again.

Last week I finished reading “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” by Harriet Beecher Stowe. I wouldn't say that that I loved the book, but I am really glad that I read it. Over my life I have learned about the horrors of slavery in history classes, through documentaries, and historical fiction. But the words in this book rang out with a truth stronger then all of them combined, and I think it’s because they were written by someone who lived these times and who saw with her own eyes the atrocities that had become part of the daily fabric of this country in that time. She knew first hand people who experienced that hell and because of this has a force and passion behind her words that no one today would be able to match regardless of how much research and study they've done.

I am now reading “The Golem and the Jinni” by Helene Wecker. This book was nominated for the 2014 Maine Reader’s Choice award and when I noticed it displayed on my library bookshelf it looked too enticing to pass by. I’m a little over halfway through and I love it! While reading yesterday, the story brought me to the passage below - an idea that has me fascinated…

            “You came here last night and stood beneath my window, and you knew I wouldn’t be asleep in bed. How?”

            That brought him up short. He laughed in genuine surprise. “I don’t know,” he said. “I didn’t even consider it.” He thought for a long movement and finally said, “That night, when we met, you didn’t move like someone who should be home in bed. Perhaps that’s how I knew. Everyone else walks differently at night than during the day. Have you noticed?”

            “Yes!” she exclaimed. “As though they’re fighting off sleep, or running away from it, even if they’re wide awake.”

            “But not you,” he said. “You were lost, but you were walking as though the sun was high overhead.”

If anyone reads this – is this something you have seen before? I haven’t I’ve never even thought about it, but I’m now obsessed with discovering if it’s true with my own eyes!

And now at the most important part of this post. It was 8 years ago today that my mom, sisters and I walked into the warehouse at the AK Humane Society Adopt-a-Cat shelter and walked back out with a small black and white tabby we christened Princess Synge. If asked that day I would have sworn left, right and backwards that while cats were cool I was a dog person and nothing would ever change that. Of course I would have been wrong, because not even 3 months went by before she had me wrapped around her little paw and 100% a cat person through and through. One of my favorite quotes is “You are my cat, and I am your human”; I don’t know why (and I never will) Synge decided that out of everyone I was her human, but I am forever grateful. She has been a constant source of comfort through all the good and bad I’ve experienced over the years; my source of joy when I had a hard time finding any.

I know that being an only cat in Maine has been hard for her, that she’s been lonely, which is why I am so unbelievably pleased with how well Faelina has fit into our little family. Synge may not always like having her face and tail attacked every 5 minutes because the baby thinks it’s “FUN!” but every day I can see that she is happier and more content now that she has someone to share her time with when I’m gone.  She’s given me so much and I’m glad I was able to help her as well. 

I once read the words "My cat came out of nowhere and became my everything" and though Synge and Faelina do not make up my entire life I know that without them my days would be darker and my spirit less then whole.

Fresh Air and Poetry

For the last few weeks I have been making a concerted effort to get outside every day for some fresh air and rejuvenation. I’d realized that while almost every weekend I’m out hiking the trails of Bradbury during the week I am actually outside very little and this had negatively impacted my daily happiness . Of course it seems like as soon as I realized this I’ve had things most nights which have prevented me from stopping at Bradbury on my way home from work for a quick hike, but I have made it a priority to get out for a short walk through the Bowdoin quad most evenings.

I knew my schedule today wouldn’t allow even that but I was reluctant to resign myself to a fate of no outdoor time. I needed to get outside, even if it was only for a few minutes, so this morning before work I stepped out for a short walk up and down Maine street.  With me I had a book I borrowed from the library last night, a book of poems by Mary Oliver, and as I walked I read. I soaked in the crisp morning air, lost myself in the sounds of birds singing, breathed in the delicious scent of coffee, and let the darkness of early morning highlight the beauty of the words before me. I love Oliver’s work (there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t see something that makes me repeat to myself the lines of “Mindful” the only poem I have committed to memory), and the verses I read this morning were lovely.

I finished my walk feeling refreshed, centered and happy – it was the perfect way to start this day.
I leave you now with a few lines, a short poem that made me smile…

Three Things to Remember

As long as you're dancing, you can

   break the rules.

Sometimes breaking the rules is just

   extending the rules.

Sometimes there are no rules.

A Day of Living

If one was to step out the front door of my building turn left and walk on for a few minutes they would find themselves at the bank of the Androscoggin river. There is a small park there that was established to celebrate Brunswick's 250^th anniversary of becoming town, and in that park are a few wooden benches that promise their users a lovely calm river view. Two summers ago, I got into the habit of getting coffee on a Saturday morning and heading to one of those benches to read, drink, and soak up the beauty before me. However, once I started volunteering at the animal shelter Saturdays I stopped this, and so it has been a very long time since I have been.

Today, after an brisk early morning walk through the Bowdoin quad, I stopped in at Little Dog Coffee Shop, poured myself some coffee, sprinkled some cocoa and cinnamon on top, and then walked down to the river. I sat on a bench and lost myself in the pages of my book, the warm deliciousness of my coffee, and the sun rising over the river in front of me. My being there brought a happiness to my spirit that has stayed with me through all of this day. What I did doesn't matter so much, but everything I did was because, in that moment, I wanted to be doing that and nothing else. I created, I explored, I learned, I did only things that excited my passions. It is the most beautiful thing to live life like that; I hope that someday I will come to a place where all my days are like this one.

Why I Think Kittens Should Stay Young Forever and Where to Stand on Top of the World

It's been awhile and I feel compelled to write something today. However it appears that my creative ability has decided to go on vacation because today’s post is definitely not my most eloquently written. I won't blame anyone who feels like skipping it, but for anyone wanting to read on here a few of the things in my life this week...

I'm going to start off with my least favorite event. First, let's go back in time to July 3rd when I first brought home Faelina. I had brought her home as a foster because in Maine it's not legal for shelters to adopt out cats and dogs who aren't fixed, and Faelina didn't yet meet the 2lb weight requirement to have that surgery (all her brothers and sisters had). She was so tiny she could easily sit on my shoulder and observe as I walked around the apartment doing whatever I needed to.
Now back to present day. Yesterday Faelina went to the vet for her last set of vaccines for the year and of course the first thing that happens at a vet appointment is getting the weight of the animal. I am unhappy to say that she now is 4.4 lbs. I am not surprised by this as now whenever she attempts to sit on my shoulder she ends up having to drape herself over it and cling desperately to my shirt with very sharp claws as she moves around. This all leads me to a question: WHAT is the point of kittens growing up? I understand why puppies need to; they need to be house trained, have obedience classes etc... But kittens basically start using the litter box from go, and trying to train a cat in obedience is futile, so again I ask what is the point?

Now on to books....
This year a large number of the books I have read either have mentioned the story of Alice and Wonderland or had the story as a central theme of theirs. I was never a fan of the Disney Alice in Wonderland movie and so had never felt a desire read the book. I did like the Tim Burton movie version that came out a few years ago though (and not just because Johnny Depp was in it), and so I figured that maybe the appearance of the story in all these other books was a sign from the universe that I should actually read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I got my book from the library along with the second story "Through the Looking Glass". I am happy to say that I did enjoy reading both of them. They may not make my list of all time favorite classics, but I would recommend both to others. The Disney movie actually combines both stories, and I'm glad that I now know that. Of course since I was reading the stories from library books I couldn't follow my usual way of underlining any lines that strike my imagination. Some of them are well known such as "We're all mad here" and "sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast". Here are two others I loved..
"I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt, and perhaps it says, "Got to sleep, darlings 'till the summer comes again" 
and the second...
""What—is—this?" he said at last.
"This is a child!" Haigha replied eagerly, coming in front of Alice to introduce her, and spreading out both his hands towards her in an Anglo-Saxon attitude. "We only found it to-day. It's as large as life, and twice as natural!"
"I always thought they were fabulous monsters!" said the Unicorn.

I am now reading Uncle Tom's Cabin. I feel somewhat ashamed to say that I lived in Brunswick for over a year before I realized that Harriet Beecher Stowe had lived here too and that her old house was just one street over from mine. They say that she got the idea for this novel while sitting in a church that still stands just down the street from my front door. I'm not far into the book yet, but so far I find it compelling. There are some beautiful phrases in there as well and since I'm once more reading a library book and can't mark it up (I so wish I could) I will share those words here...
...a pair or large dark eyes, full of fire and softness"...
.."a whole volcano of bitter feelings burned in his bosom and sent streams of fire through his veins" ..
..."a sword will pierce through your soul for every good and pleasant thing your child is or has; it will make him worth too much for you to keep"...
Hopefully the rest of the story will be written in this same fashion.

This next little bit has to do with food! Whoever the genius was who picked up a julienne peeler then looked at a zucchini and thought to themselves "I wonder if I can use this to make pasta out of zucchini", that person is my hero. I LOVE zucchini pasta, and this week I found a wonderful recipe for it: the pasta (of course) with avocado, garlic, lemon juice and figs! I had never had figs before and it's a fact I am now seriously regretting because they are AWESOME!! That recipe is too and I highly recommend that everyone try it.

And finally, today for the first time this year I went hiking!!!!!! I go to Bradbury Mountain at least once a week but hiking there is really more like a nice easy walk through the woods. Today I did some real hiking full of steep trails, sheer cliffs, and real mountain views! I drove to Grafton Notch and hiked the Table Rock and Eyebrow loop trails. I got there early and started on the Table Rock trail up into a mountain of fog. When I got to the top, I could see clear blue skies above me and only the tops of the mountains and trees surrounding me, everything else was lost in thick blowing clouds. With the wind blowing in my face only myself and nature in sight, I felt like I was standing on the top of the sky. God how I loved it!

Finding Truth in Words

Today I just want to share with you all a few phrases I have read or heard this week which have touched me in some way….

In an effort to ease myself out of the heartache of finishing Written in My Hearts Own Blood, I have started the newest book by Neil Gaiman “The Ocean at the End of the Lane”. Gaiman is my favorite living author because of the way he so effortlessly uses the English language to create delight phrases and to form the truest statements. Here is one such statement…

“Books were safer than other people anyway”

This second quote I heard Tuesday on my way home from work. I was listening to PRI’s The World, and the host Marco Werman said this to segue into a new story. I feel for the people of Iceland who are in fact living this reality, but it’s a good thing for the rest of us to think of whenever we get caught up in minor trials and tribulations…

“If you’re having a bad day count your blessings. You’re not on a glacier next to a volcano that’s about to blow.”

Next is something I heard while listening to Episode 10 of the the Dear Book Nerd Podcast. The guest host, author Jonathan Auxier, was the one who uttered these words. Obviously the topic was about opinions of books, but I think it is an excellent creed to follow in any part of one’s life…

“A lot of strong opinioned people think theirs is the absolute best opinion. Your goal should always be to find a better opinion, be like “My current opinion is the best one I have found, but I would love to be proven wrong because that would mean I have learned something and I just grew as a human being””

Then last night I listened to a Ted Talks Podcast on happiness. One of the featured speakers on this episode was Monk David Steindl-Rast and he stated this beautiful truth…

“It is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy”

On that note, I have decided each morning I will say out loud a handful of things I am grateful for. This morning I had quite a list and one was that I am grateful for having a kitten, Faelina, who so diligently helps me make the bed each morning. We each have our own distinct role; I straighten the sheets, blankets and pillows to make it look nice and neat. Faelina protects me from harm by attacking all the faeries and spirits hiding beneath the sheets that are invisible to my eye. She does this with such delightful zeal that I am always left smiling. When both jobs are complete we have a nice well-made fairy free bed!

I’ll leave you all now with two more words from Neil Gaiman, until next time…

“Be Whole”