Utah Living

When I arrived at Stephanie's in the late afternoon sun of October 20^th, I still was having doubts on whether I'd made the right decision to move to Utah. Now those doubts are gone.

I won't lie and say I feel 100% completely at home here, or that no longer wish I could have somehow found a way to stay in Norway for good, but unless I am actually back in Alaska or a job in Norway suddenly presents itself, I pretty much always expect to have those feelings. And I do miss Maine. I think of and wish for Brunswick a ton – Maine street, Gelato Fiasco, stopping in at the library, walking around Bowdoin, attending shows at the Theater Project and so much more. Never a city girl I miss the small town feel that lived in every city there – including Portland. I wanted the fall leaves back the second I left them behind, and whenever it rains it feels wrong to not smell the salt of the ocean in the air. I miss the emphasis on recycling, living greener, and buying local and organic foods. I miss the fact that most of the stores and restaurants I saw were small local business versus the big chains. And even though I knew what I was getting myself into by moving to Utah, I miss being surrounded by a more liberal atmosphere. Most of all I don't like being away from all the people I said goodbye to. There's my friends of course, but also those that were more acquaintances but all the same never failed to brighten my day when I saw them. It saddens me beyond reason that I don't know when – or if – I'll ever see them again.

But like I've written before, my heart told me it was time to go. I picked Utah because I had hoped it would be a good place to call home until such time that I was able to carve out the details of what I did want more and was able to weave those details into my life. These past seven and a half weeks have been a prime example of why it is important to take a deep breath and follow what your heart is telling you to do – even if your mind is unsure of what you want - because as each week passed I've become more confident that Utah will allow me to do exactly what I'd hoped. And I get to do it while living with my best friend.

A little history for those not in the know, my parents moved next door to Stephanie's family when I was about a year old. Despite the six year age difference between us Stephanie decided pretty much immediately that she wanted us two to be friends. Every day she knocked on our door asking if I could play and every day my mom told her no because I was only a baby. This lasted until I turned two at which point my mom just gave up and we have been friends ever since. I have no memory of life without Stephanie in it, but in our 26 years of friendship 18 of them have been spent with us living in different states – far away different states. Getting to see her every day now is nothing short of awesome and she (and her husband and all the kids) has been absolutely phenomenal in welcoming me into her home.

Knowing that going from living on my own to suddenly being surrounded by seven other people all the time, she created a bedroom for me that would be the perfect oasis for me to escape to when it all became a little too much. It's light and airy with a comfortable bed, fairy lights, and other sweet magical touches that perfectly hint at my love for magic, skeleton keys, Maine, Harry Potter and the night sky. I've been given cabinet space in the kitchen and a fridge in their basement to store all my food. And along with telling me I'm welcome to help myself help myself to whatever food is in the house, she makes sure my stock of Cinnamon Apple Spice tea is never depleted!

I also love that I get to see her kids every day. Knowing that I don't have to cram every activity into a short period of time, I have been able to quietly enjoy the daily moments that make up their lives – starting in the early hours of the morning when they're waking up and getting ready for school and ending with the sometimes calm, usually hectic routine of getting them all down for the night. I love hearing the excited “HI KELLY” that comes from the two youngest whenever I come back home from an errand. I now have time to get to know the other kids favorite foods, places, games etc... (and conversely the things they don't like). And it has been awesome to watch the kids decorate for Christmas, excitedly look for the two Elves on the Shelf each morning, and talk about what Santa will bring them on the big day.

I am not the only who, so far, is adjusting well to the move. The first few days after arriving I kept them in my room, as planned, and only brought the kids in one at a time because even that scared both into hiding. But it became apparent to me fairly quickly the original plan would be harder to stick to than I'd thought. Mainly because I spent so much time out in the rest of the house and I felt guilty not letting them have the attention (from me) that they were used to. So with Steph's permission I cautiously began experiment with opening the door and letting them explore. Once Synge realized we weren't leaving any time soon she's been fine and seems completely unphased by the extra adults, kids and animals she now shares a house with. Most days I find her sleeping underneath Steph's clothes in her closet. Faelina's had a little more difficulty settling in. The first few weeks she spent hiding out of sight until all the kids were either out of the house or asleep and running like a T-Rex is after her whenever Steph's dogs gave chase (they're a chihuahua and a teacup yorkie). When it comes to the dogs she still hasn't quite figured out that all she needs to do is turn around and hiss, but the dogs are getting better at not chasing and she is getting smarter about not fleeing. As for the kids, each day that passes she seems to get a little braver and come out into view a little more often. She still doesn't like anyone but me to touch her but she'll get there!

Of course it hasn't been all fun and happiness. Quite often though being around so many people and the noise (both good and and bad) that comes with is way too much for me. Out of nowhere my inner introvert panics and I'm overcome with a desperate need to run until I'm surrounded only by wilderness. Sometimes those moments are mere flashes disappearing seconds later, other times they pretty much the whole day. Whenever they come that's usually when simply I walk to my room and close the door. I'll stay there in silence for a few minutes – or hours – until I'm ready to rejoin the world of people again. Something that goes a long way in lessening the frequency of these episodes are the few times that I've been able to have the house to myself. When the whole family goes to church or heads out to a family Christmas party I have a few hours to be completely free of any people which calms my inner introvert and makes me happy to see the family when they arrive home.

As far as Utah itself goes, for the most part it's been great. Every day I step outside see the mountains and instantly my heart feels safe and calm, the lack of humidity is incredibly refreshing, and it just feels right to be back in the wild beauty of the west. I haven't done a whole lot of exploring but hopefully, when I'm a bit more settled, I'll be able to make weekend excursions to the Arches, Bryce, Zion and many other less famous hiking grounds! There is one drive-thru coffee shop, The Daily Rise, that makes a wickedly good americano! And for the first time in four years I am just a short drive from my all time favorite bookstore Barnes and Noble. I have even found a job as the Admissions Coordinator and Executive Assistant at Benchmark Behavioral Hospital in Woods Cross. It is a job that I expect will keep me constantly busy, learning, and excited about. My first day is tomorrow and I can only hope that I will be able to meet their expectations. Lucky for me (yet maybe not so good for my bank account) this place is within a five minute drive from a Starbucks, an amazing natural foods store, and a Barnes & Noble!

That is all for now, hopefully I'll have more exciting adventures to share in the future!

Book Page Poem

A long time ago, I saw on Pintrest a writing activity where one takes a page from a book and uses the words on it to write a poem. I instantly fell in love with that idea, thinking it uniquely awesome. Well, the first time I tried it (and every time since) I learned that while it is fun it is also incredibly hard. Each time I take up a page I often find myself stringing together words only to find that the next perfect word for the poem I'm creating doesn't exist anywhere on the page. As a result, the flow and subject of the poem usually spirals into a different direction than I'd wanted.Sometimes that is fine and I am left satisfied with what I've created, however other times I am not. On one such occasion while I did warp the poem I was developing to fit the words on it's page, I also chose to continue my original vision afterwards and what you'll see below is the result.

Clouded daylight eclipsed suffering,

and allowed instead some

glimpses of grace and gaiety,

creating a certain strange beauty

that unrolled it's wild eyes and

fierce soul setting free 

the fire of the eternal world

~~~~

p.s. I realize I've shared nothing about life in Utah since arriving but I promise that actual post doing just that is in the works and will be posted soon

Mountain Fire

Today's 'Word of the Day' poem. I foresee some much needed changes and inevitable edits in it's future, but I feel fairly pleased with the first days draft.

Mountains full of empyreal life

become crisscrossed with magic that sparkles in flight

The screech of a hawk shatters the air

chasing off crackling echos of chaos, of fear

In sunset's last shadow secrets glitter unseen

to be lost in the maze of Faes clandestine schemes

Their world holds a darkness bent on twisting the soul

through tendrils of terror they'll ravage you whole

But Hope's silent whisper continues to beat

hiding deep in your heart where no Fae can reach

And lifted by words laced in white glowing ire

You will vanquish their evil with your furious fire

~~~~

 

Secret Glory

Today was not my most favorite of days, but I don't feel much like sharing particulars. And after all, days like these happen for most and I know what I'm feeling now won't last. I did feel like writing though and thus this poem was created....

With magnanimous glory I dive into dreams,

swimming through worlds made of impossible means

There is sunlight in raindrops,

and snowflakes on fire,

happiness saddens; joy transforms to ire

Whales fly through rainbows,

an eagle soars undersea

no desire's unbidden, every hurt is set free

My deepest hopes no longer hide,

and that one secret smile becomes my life

~~~~

 

Recovery Takes Time

It's been awhile since I've written about the status of my recovery and today I hope to give you all at least a brief update on where I am. The last time I had a post specifically dedicated to it was before I left for Norway, but please do not take my silence since as a sign that I am recovered because that could not be further from the truth. There are a few reasons for this lengthy silence. One is that for awhile I just so badly wanted a break from her, and since I'm still plagued daily by her voice, thoughts and presence not writing was the only break I could get. Another reason is that as more time passed there became more to tell and the thought of writing (and having you read) a post that long caused me to cringe. And then there's the fact that right now I really honestly am just not sure where I stand. I realized today though that my continued absence from writing about this is not helping me in any way, if anything it's making me weaker against her efforts to overpower me. So I am going to try to transform all my thoughts and questions into a narrowed down fully coherent set of written words.

I'll start with Norway since that's where I left off. It was, simply put, tough and my best efforts seemed to be largely in vain. During the two weeks Kairi was there she weighed me regularly and each time my weight dripped, and then fate stepped in and made things worse. I don't know if it was food poisoning, a stomach bug, or just plain bad luck, but I got sick and for a few days I barely able to eat. As a result lost a scary amount of weight. This took place at the end of Kairi's trip and on her last day with me I gave Kairi full control of what and when I at that day. She took that charge up with gusto and the next morning she had put back more than half of what I'd lost on me. As awful as that one weekend was I think it also brought break through. My last week in Norway I was able to try new foods and enjoy some major fear foods - at times without any hesitation - I was freer of her than I'd been in a long while.

Exercise in Norway was also a struggle, she was constantly pushing me to walk more, bike more, hike more etc... and every day was a non-stop back and forth between us. On the upside one incredibly wonderful difference was that, throughout the entire trip, her voice seemed as if it was on mute whenever I was outside. I was actually able to gaze around me and wonder at the tree trunks covered in grass, the leaves that sparkled in the hazy sunlight, and the rainbow hued flowers that dotted the paths I walked on. And when my mind did wander away from the path back into the depths of my own mind, it was to get lost in distractions and daydreams that I actually wanted to have.

Returning to Maine was interesting; because I wasn't returning to my life as it was before I left i.e. a job and the schedule that went with it. I had to figure out a new schedule and way of eating, one that allowed me to blend the way I'd been doing things pre-Norway with the routine I'd developed in Norway in such a way that fit my new life post-Norway. Since I no longer had access the nurse at Unum I had to find a new avenue for regular weight checks. I was also coming off a month where almost every day I'd done a minimum of a 1 hour walk and most days had done quite a bit more than than that. The sudden halt to tough hiking trips and daily walks through a city built on such steep hills it felt like hiking freaked her out and to be honest me as well.

Since August I have slowly built said routine. Like all others before it is one filled daily with wins and losses. Eating is now not something I look to with dread and there are many foods that I actually am excited to eat every day. But there are still many others that I approach with guilt and indecision and still more that terrify too much to touch at all. I now walk and exercise a lot. For the most part I truly enjoy both of these activities. I've grown quite apt at walking and reading at the same time; this is magnificent as it allows me to soak up the fresh air and beauty of the outdoors while getting lost in the pages of another world. And since I actually make up for the exercise I do, most of my workouts end with me experiencing the perfect combinations of feeling pleasantly spent yet full of vibrant energy for the rest of the day. She's never satisfied though and for the rest of the day she's always whispering taunting temptations to push myself for one more hour, or two, or three...And while she's conceded to my rule of taking one day off a week, she gets her way the other six days and a workout happens.

I am happy to say that moodwise I am not so full of angst like I was at the start of 2015, and I'd say that most days there are at least a few hours she's not at the forefront of my thoughts. However even when quiet she is still ever present, still waiting, watching and hoping to find a chance to trip me up. I'll be honest and say she still has small wins and her triumphs often find themselves reflected in the results of my weight check the following weeks which has been yoyoing since my return to the states. I wish I could say that's a sign I have reached my healthy weight and am now just experiencing the normal up and down that occurs for most people. But if I'm sticking with honesty I know it is not. A person's body has ways of letting them know if they are healthy or not - the absence of certain things that should take place, or the presence of those that should not. One evening in Norway I felt something I hadn't in months; an almost painful pressure in my chest, my body's way of telling me my heart was working too hard. It scared me to death and I immediately left where I was, drove home and ate; unfortunately it was the next day that I got sick. Since that time there have been weeks I felt my heart quite often and others where I haven't at all. I know my healthy weight is one where that isn't even a possibility at all.

Last month I hit the one year mark of me actively fighting for recovery. I wish more than anyone else that a year would have been all that was needed for me to have rid her from my life completely, but if this last year has taught me anything it's that you can't put a deadline on recovery. I could have years to go before I'm 100% just me. I will get there though. It will happen. And when I finally get there, every struggle that led up through will have been completely and entirely worth it.

Eight Years

 It's been eight years since I last saw my dad...but there isn't a day that goes by I don't see him. Every time my computer plays a Marc Antoine song, each day I listen to NPR or watch the Lord of the Rings movies, whenever I pass a large bag of Peanut M&M's or box of Good & Plenty, and always when visiting - either in person or just in memory - the viewing deck of the Eagle River Nature Center, my dads face flashes in through my mind.

It's been eight years since I last heard him speak or laugh, since I last witnessed
him moving - breathing...but he comes to life once more in the stories others tell me. There's my favorite, hearing my mom share just how she met my dad along the trail in the Santa Elena Canyon at Big Bend National Park. There's the story my aunts told me this summer of my dad's dangerous (i.e. stupid) escapades at the Chicago airport when he was in highschool - a tale that makes me both laugh and shake my head in disbelief. And when driving through Wyoming last week I was reminded of the time my dad told me of hunting trip in Wyoming gone awry as he'd accidentally set his truck - and the field it was resting on - on fire. In those stories, and so many others, I hear his voice again and it's almost like he is still alive and with us, even if it's only for a few seconds.

I can't listen to Harry Potter in the car without recalling all the times driving with him we did just that, or hear anyone say the words 'cement' or 'concrete' without mentally checking to see if they used them correctly (something it took him 20 years of constant reminding for me to finally get right), and every day I wear a necklace with the words that one dark October night he said were his greatest wish for me "Follow Your Bliss" . My dad may no longer physically be with us, but that doesn't mean he is gone. He is still with me. Only now as a quiet presence in my mind gently guiding me through life to help me discover and follow my bliss.

I found this poem a year or two before my dad died and still get teary eyed reading it today. One Christmas, or Father's Day, or his birthday - I honestly can't remember - before he passed, I gave it to him framed as a present and he at least pretended to love it enough to hang it on the wall in my parents room. He didn't get to do everything written in this poem but he to my sisters and me he was everything it says and more. I love my dad and I will miss him every single day for the rest of my life. 

What A Dad Will Do For His Daughter

by Cheryl D'Aprix

What a Dad will do for his daughter is rock his sick baby girl
until the sun peeks through the darkness
letting him know the night of worry is over.

He will take her small hand in his and walk slowly as she takes her first
walk to the ice cream shop to share a cone full of heaven on earth.

He will sip from the tiny tea cup she has set in front of him
and in harmony with the stuffed animals carefully placed in their seats
he will sing the praises of her great hospitality.

He will sit through dance recitals and fashion shows
where he is the only audience
and will clap with the enthusiasm of a thousand people.

He will take her fishing and play soccer,
and introduce her to the world outside
as if just experiencing it for the first time himself.
Perhaps he is.

He will sit with her through sweat and tears over homework
that was supposed to be turned in the day before
and he'll smile as they finish, seeing her relief.

He will place a firm hand on the shoulder of the young man that comes
to take her to the school dance
silently letting him know where he stands and what he expects.

He will watch with overflowing pride as his young lady
accepts her high school diploma
and will silently pray to God to calm his fears
and get him throughout the day.

He will be full of conversation and more than happy to listen
when she calls home now and then.
Even when the game of the year is on.

He will gently fold her arm around his
and with all the courage and faith he can hold onto
he will stroll down the aisle,
giving her hand but keeping her youth.

He will be the first one in the maternity ward ,
at the nursery window,
carefully inspecting the activities of his new family member.
Another part of her, another part of him.

He will reassure her as time rages on
and the signs of his old age start to frighten her.

He will caress her hand with a passion
to which she has never felt
as he whispers his last wishes to her.

He will come to her heart for all her life
as she sees his manner in herself
or his features in her children.

He will live in the smiles
that grace her face
as she remembers the things he did for her.

~~~~

Wyoming

I was able to hit the road at a pretty reasonable time this morning and spent the majority of today's eight hour drive crossing through Nebraska. In a way today was like yesterday, but with a twist. Like yesterday, the sun rose with a fierce strength that caused the interior temperature of my car to spike up fast and by early afternoon we were all three more than a little uncomfortable. But it got to the point that I was worried the cats would overheat so I took their blanket out of the kennel, something that ticked Faelina off quite a bit judging by the loud constant yowls of protest she kept up for some time after. Like yesterday, I spent the day singing Brantley Gilbert songs and quoting the lines to Harry Potter but also threw in a couple hours of The Birthday Massacre to mix it up a bit. I made another Starbucks stop in western Nebraska but opted for an iced americano (vs a hot one) hoping it would help cool me off (it didn't but at least it woke me up).

Eastern Nebraska was much like Iowa with mile upon mile of cornfields over flatland, but as I drove further west the terrain slowly transformed. Beginning simply with more scatterings trees after a time those trees turned into miles of untamed woods. The acres of corn began to give way to more farms featuring herds of cows and horses grazing in pastures before the corn all but disappeared and ranches took over. The utter flatness of the land slowly adopted slight hills and dips and then finally at 1:56pm I saw off in the distance real hills. I grinned when I saw them because though only hills they might be I knew them to be a tantalizing promise of what was to come and I just couldn't wait. About 40 minutes later I-80 split and as I kept right to continue west the road rose upwards into those hills and again I had to smile because I knew what those higher elevations were bringing me to. At 4:15pm I said goodbye to Nebraska and crossed the border into the state I had been most excited about getting to visit on this trip - Wyoming. I was born in Evanston and had visited frequently when we lived in Utah but my last visit was at the start of our drive up to Alaska 20 years ago. I swear that the second I crossed that invisible line into the state something inside me clicked and I felt instantly more relaxed - more at peace. It was like I'd been holding my breath for four years and I could now finally let it go, and I think I know why.

Not long after arriving in Maine I started to sense that the underlying energy of life on the east coast was not the same as on the west, the spirit of the land and the people who lived there was different. I've never had the feeling that one is better than the other, instead I think it's simply which spirit and energy matches each individual person best. For me there was no question; when I'm out west my soul sings, out east it's just a muted whisper. I knew I belonged out west, and today I went back there to stay.

I continued down I-80 soaking up the scenery around me and then, almost exactly three hours after I'd first spotted the hills, my eyes alighted on what they had promised. Far off in the distance, beneath soft sunlight clouds, dark blue silhouettes filled the horizon - Mountains. Just as some people need the sea to be truly happy, and others can only find real peace in a desert sunset, I need mountains surrounding me or else I just can't breath right. The lack of them in Maine is the single reason why I could never live there forever and the promise of being near them once more was the most exciting, alluring factor about moving back west. Having those tall constant guardians near again makes me feel safer and more complete than I have in a long time.

I spent the last 30 minutes of my drive today smiling like a fool as the highway wound through the Medicine Bow National Forest all the while bringing me closer to those far off giants. I reached my destination - Laramie - and got us checked in and settled early enough to see the sun set over the Forest's hills from my hotel window. There is a lot about this move that has me scared, nervous, unsure, and doubting of my ability to find success, but right now I am absolutely in love with the spectacularly wondrous place it has brought me to tonight.