One Fun Adventure and a Simple Poem

 No long post this week, just a fun adventure to share and a small poem. First the adventure; Farmington, Utah is home to an amusement park called Lagoon. The park has brought joy and excitement to Utahans and tourists alike since first opening it's 'doors' back in 1886, and visitors today can still enjoy the Victorian Carosaul that debuted in 1906 and the rickety wooden roller coaster that first thrilled riders back in 1921. To visit today costs a pretty penny ($50+), but once a year Stephanie's dad gets a screaming good deal on tickets ($5.00) from the company he once worked for. This year, that one day was yesterday, and I was lucky enough to go along.It was a blast!

It's been years since I've been on any ride scarier than a ferris wheel (which I do feel compelled to say does not scare me) and I have never been on a roller coaster - or any ride for that matter - that would spin me completely upside down. Well, that changed fast. I broke in the day on that rickety old roller coaster, got whipped around a twisty ride called Wild Mouse, and then went upside down, not just once but twice, on Colossus the Fire Dragon. My favorite ride though was not anything wild or crazy, it was the swings; the swings that raise you up high in the air and spin you around so you feel like you're flying. High on that swing I felt I was in heaven and could have happily stayed there until long after the sun had set.

And now a little poem I just began working on, inspired by the real Faery music I've been listening to all day...

Faeries flutter their diamond wings,

chanting soft music, enchanting my dreams

Beckoning gently they turn toward home,

with elysian beauty no mortal can know...

I long to discover what strange secrets they hold,

witness the wisdom of those ethereal souls

So I pursue on tiptoe their diaphanous wings,

forever to walk in this numinous dream

~~~~

Missing Home

A few weeks ago I was high on life and happiness. I went home. I was surrounded by my mom, sisters, and brother-in-laws. I held my two perfect, amazing, incredible nephews. I breathed the Alaskan mountain air and walked in the midnight summer sun. Then I returned to Utah and crashed into despair. To put it briefly:

- I'm haven't been sleeping well, at all
- Synge almost died from an insulin overdose (thankfully we've now got that all figured out)
- Work has been a weird combination of busy, boring, and stressful
- The sound system in my laptop broke
- I'm furiously looking for my own place; a depressing, discouraging, miserable process
- For the first time ever, reading is failing to bring me joy

 And I miss Alaska. Miss it so much that it sometimes hurts to breathe. I try to cope by blocking out  my emotions, which usually works, only I then become a numb, zoned-out, zombie. Of course I can only keep that up for a few days before my feelings refuse to be supressed any longer and I turn into a tearful wreck. I've said before that Alaska is the only place that I am complete, whole. And leaving, whether by choice or not, causes damage. On July 4th, when I stepped onto the red-eye flight destined for Utah I shattered. I haven't even begun put the pieces back together because I'm still trying to gather them all up, only I know I never will because half of them are floating in the Alaskan wind and only returning to Alaska is the only way I will ever find them.

When I first left Alaska five years ago, I promised myself I'd spend at least 10 years out exploring before going back; I think now I may have to revise that plan. Especially because of those two little babies, both growing bigger by the day. I hate not being able to hold them. I hate that I can't hug my mom and sisters. I hate that I'm missing so much of their lives.

Still, as miserable as I've been the past couple weeks, I'm not quite ready to give up on Utah. I know there are thousands of fun, vibrant experiences just waiting for me to step outside and discover them.It may not be my forever home but I do want to see if I can fall in love with it the same way I did Maine. I need to find my own apartment though. I did tour one Friday that I loved, really it would be perfect, but I'm too nervous and worried about how many other people may have applied to believe I'll actually get it. I'll keep my fingers crossed until I know one way or the other.

There have been a few bright gems since I've returned; diamonds in a storm that have helped me to remember life really isn't all that bad...I have gotten TWO birthday boxes from Maine friends filled with things I love beyond words. Steph and I threw a surprise Rainbow party for her kids a couple weeks ago full of fruit rainbows, skittles of all colors, tye-dye shirts, and a one of a kind canvas painting - it was an absolute blast! This past Tuesday, Benchmark held a Carnival day for the boys; we got a dunk tank, a bounce house obstacle course (which was AWESOME!), played water balloon baseball, face painted, and watched movies in the gym with snow cones, cotton candy, popcorn, and ice cream (scooped by yours truly) for refreshments. It was my favorite day of working there so far. And lastly, I've braved the 90+ degree temperatures to go hiking. This afternoon I wandered 30 minutes into Holbrook Canyon before ducking under some trees to a side trail that brought me to a quiet, hidden, shaded spot by the river. I spent one perfect beautiful hour there, listening to the music of the water as I put my thoughts to paper and imagining faeries were dancing about nearby.

A Letter to My Nephews

To my two darling nephews Tanner David and David William,

You are both brand new to this world, barely week has passed since you each took your first breath. I am blown away by how beautiful you both are, and with each new picture the love that began when I first learned of your existence has grown higher than the stars in the night sky. I wish more than anything that I could be in Alaska right now to celebrate your lives. I so desperately yearn to see with my own eyes your tiny fingers and toes, to feel the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe, to hear your little baby cries, to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. The fact that I'm not in Alaska hurts. But this letter is not about me, it's about you two and everything I hope your lives will be.

I want you to have the best childhood. To grow up loving Disney movies, even the princess ones. Watch your favorites over and over again no matter how crazy it drives your parents! Spend birthdays happily diving into presents, cakes full of candles, and ice cream with chocolate sauce. Enjoy sticky Saturday mornings amongst huge stacks of chocolate chip pancakes drizzled with maple syrup and whip cream. I can't wait for you to discover the delicious fun of chocolate chip cookie dough and the warm delight of hot cocoa after a frozen day out in the winter woods. And, when you're older, I'll be sure to introduce you to the magical elixir that is coffee (that is if Grandma Berg hasn't beaten me to it!)! Read and listen to books on cd (if cds are still around in a few years). It will be so exciting to find out which story will be the one to captivate your imagination and unlock for you the magical infinite worlds that books hold. The best thing ever will be to see you fall under the unbreakable vow of the extraordinary, wonderful world of Harry Potter and daydream that you yourself will one day wander the halls of Hogwarts. You both have parents whose lives have been enriched by animals and my wish is that you share that love and learn early the unmatchable comfort that a purring cat and tail-wagging dog can provide.

You were born in one of the most incredible places on this planet, and I hope that you feel safe and inspired by the Alaska mountains surrounding you, but don't be afraid to search the world and discover the place where you each truly belong. Travel, have grand adventures, become wild and free at the edge of the of any ocean, and feel the old power that blows through the earth’s vast deserts. Learn how to lose yourself in the beauty of the outdoors, feel how it can both electrify and calm you, alight your passions and sooth your soul.

If you are anything like me then there will be times that living with parents can be a struggle, no matter what though, never doubt their love for you. And when the time comes that they tell you can't doing something you really, really want to do try to see through your frustrations and look for the wisdom that lies behind that decision. On the other hand, when your moms start to tell stories about your crazy Aunt Kelly keep in mind that I have stories about them too that I will happily share. Also craziness can sometimes be fun!  I hope that you are blessed with the gift of true lifelong friends who will always have your back, even when you screw up (and believe me this will happen, we all screw up) and that as you grow good health and only minor scrapes and bruises follow you.

In fact, if I had my way your lives would always be perfect and your childhood innocence would never fade. I know that's impossible though and, unfortunately, there will be times this world will throw at you horrors and sadness and pain. When that happens you might feel fear and that is completely ok. You might cry and that is ok too. There is nothing wrong with being sad or scared; what matters most is how you handle it. When those moments do come knocking  just remember to hold onto the core of who you are and breathe with courage. Stand tall with minds full of dreams and magic and bravery you will be unstoppable. And don't ever let self-doubt or cruel people make you question your worth. You are special and hold a universe of unimaginable power within your mind. It is that uniqueness that has thrown onto this world a splash of sparkle that can never be replaced by anyone or anything ever. Never, ever forget that you make this planet a better place by existing.

I have one last thing to say, something that your Grandpa Berg once wished for me, and it has never led me wrong so far. Follow Your Bliss. Explore the pathways of all your interests regardless of fear, doubt, or naysayers; and when you do stumble upon that something which sets off fireworks in your soul, chase that passion with everything you have. Do whatever it takes to follow the path of your heart because only the attainment of your own personal destiny will make you truly happy.

The words in this letter are only a tiny snowflake in the Arctic tundra of what I wish for you. I cannot wait to watch you step your way through the phases of life, to discover the wonders of this world, and to experience the small joys that can make life so amazing. It will be an honor to one day meet the men you will ultimately become. Don't grow up too fast though I need to see you little guys first!

                           Love you always and forever,
                                                         Aunt Kelly

Sadness

Briefly, the highlights - and lowlights - of this past week. My dislike of California and their ridiculous way of doing things (something that first began with my introduction to Kaiser at my last job) came back with a vengeance. I had the best phone call ever at work when I got to tell a mother who's been trying to get her son into Benchmark since October that we finally have a bed for him. I am vigorously enjoying my latest read 'Bottomland' by Michelle Hover. I kind of (after months of missing it) accidentally-on-purpose bought the first season of Game of Thrones on DVD (it was on sale so at least that's something). And, after a series of signs indicating that something was just not right, Synge had her first appointment with a Utah vet yesterday that culminated in a diabetes diagnosis. That last bit left me more than a little sad and with a mind that's been racing with questions, ideas, and plans on how to take care of her from now on.

Of course all of that, good and bad, pales in comparison to the news I woke up this morning. If you haven't yet heard what I'm referring to then take a deep breath and go check out NPR's website, or CNN, Huffington Post, your local TV news, any news site really. Fifty people killed last night, over fifty more in the hospital fighting for their lives; the biggest mass shooting in the history of the United States. I spent most of the morning listening to NPR's radio coverage growing more heartbroken and somber by the minute. For some reason this shooting has affected me more than the others in our country's recent history. Thinking of the nightmare those peoples families are walking through now, imagining what it must have been like for all those trapped inside that club last night, there have been many moments I've barely held back tears. I just don't understand it. I don't understand how someone's soul can hold that kind of hate. I don't understand how we as a country have come to a point where we accept devastating acts like this, that they are tolerated. You might say that we don't isn't the case, but clearly it is because we - as a whole - don't ever do anything to make them stop. Events such as todays are not going to disappear by active passiveness; they will only get bigger and worse as today's tragedy demonstrates. I won't share my exact, opinions of what I think needs to change, at least not today. If anyone feels compelled to comment on today’s post I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same.

And now I'm checking out. For the rest of the day I plan to Actively Avoid Adulthood. I might color. I might collage. I might watch and/or listen to some Harry Potter, that tends to cheer me up. I'm going to be grateful that I woke up today full of breath and peace, a luxury that was denied today to so many. I am going to focus on being full of love, for a life full of love truly is the only thing that will let your soul fly free and happy.

Remembering to be Grateful

I don't feel much like writing today. I wasn't super enthusiastic about it yesterday either, or the day before that, or all week really. In fact I feel like all of my creative energy has been zapped into oblivion, I haven't been inspired to do anything for days. This week has been a bit rough and perhaps that's the cause behind my apathy.

I've struggled this week to be ok with where I am right now, to be happy breathing Utah air. I love it's mountains, the hiking trails I've walked on, love the sense of wildness that runs beneath the earth. The people I've met have been amazing to me, but the sheer volume of people who live here is too overwhelming. Everywhere I go there are houses for miles, dozens upon dozens of apartment complexes, and big box store after big box store all reminding me that I no longer live in a small state. And while I don't at all regret my decision to leave, I miss the charm that breathed in every city in Maine. I especially, desperately miss Brunswick and have woken up dreaming of my adopted home there dozens of times since I left in October.

The last minute change to my June plans has also played a role in this weeks dysphoria. My trip to Norway has officially been rescheduled for September. I'm fairly certain that exploring Norway at that time of year will be incredible, but not going in June has brought into stark focus the fact that I am not going to be home either to witness the birth of my sisters babies and that reality is becoming increasingly hard to be ok with. In fact I'm not ok with it at all.

Those are the main reasons behind my lackluster mood there are others but taken alone they really aren't that bad. I know from past experience that after some time passes, a few days or a couple weeks, I'll be back to my cheerful self. And I know that having downs like these are just a normal part of life but of course knowing them doesn't make them suck any less when they do decide to show their faces. Now that I've shared all this (despite my zero desire to write), I'm going to end this post by doing something that often helps life my spirits when they're threatening to fall - sharing some things that I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful for Steph for her family and the wonderful way they have welcomed me to Utah. I'm grateful that both my sisters have had healthy pregnancies allowing them to enjoy this incredible moment in their lives. I'm grateful to have found a job where I feel like I make a real difference in peoples lives. I'm grateful for the quiet walk among the birds I experienced this morning at the Great Shorelands Preserve and I am so grateful that while the temperature outside is scorching not even an ounce of humidity is present. I'm grateful for the quiet afternoon I'm spending now, watching Once Upon a Time with a couple of Steph's kids, and I'm grateful that their house has AC! I'm grateful for Synge's quiet sweetness and Faelina's never-ending excitement about life. I'm grateful for who I am, grateful to know that I am loved by many people - something that so many people never have.

Well what do you know, I'm feeling better already.

A Week of Poems

Before I dive into this weeks little writing venture, I have some somewhat disappointing news to share. One of the dogs my friends in Norway have is very, very sick so my trip has been postponed. Knowing what it's like to have a pet that ill, imagining what it would be like to leave them behind for two weeks, I couldn't not agree to change the dates. I'm definitely bummed; I was pretty much packed, had picked out my hikes, and was looking forward to celebrating my birthday in a foreign country. But I get, I really do, agreeing to push the trip back is the best for everyone involved. So keep tuned for new trip dates and in the mean time - A Week of Poems. 

I kind of fell into this by accident. Last Sunday I wrote one, then another on Monday, Tuesday's came as a result of Steph's birthday and from there I just decided to write a whole weeks worth and post them. Normally if I put a poem on here I've worked on it for at least a few hours, if not days, and so feel fairly happy with what I'm sharing. That is not the case for these poems. Most were written in just minutes with little to no editing afterwards so please keep that in mind when you judge them. That being said here they are ..... 

 

A couple of months ago, I asked my Facebook family for some writing prompts. One friend suggest a poem with the word 'Embrace' in it (which is my 2016 Word of the Year). I highly doubt this was what she'd imagined and it definitely wasn't what I'd first envisioned when I first read her idea. But I think this is what happens when I read Neil Gaiman (which I was last Sunday). His worlds are full of beauty and fantastical magic, but they also contain some haunted darkness.

Embrace the darkness, defy the sun,

fly through lost forests of haunted fun

My laughter is laced, with others' fear, 

my strength built upon each new fallen tear

Embrace the darkness, defy the sun,

Evil has mastered, heroes no more will come

~~~~ 

 

  

Dictionary.com's Word of the Day inspired Monday's poem. The word was 'jimjams' which means 'extreme nervousness or jitters' and it seemed to fun a word (fun to say that is) that I couldn't not put it into a poem!

I wake from dreams filled with stuttering jimjams
My thoughts are crashing, rattling, tin cans

I can't trust my eyes, they're threatening to cry,
'cause my dreams are no longer a safe place to hide

 ~~~~

Tuesday was the birthday of Stephanie, my very best friend in the whole world. I wrote this for her which is why it's filled with references that most of you will not understand at all. 

There was Jenny and Mario - and Heather too,

Playing barbies in jail on Sunday afternoons,

Swirling tornadoes in the front yard,

'Driving' for hours in that beat up half car.

There were distances spent, first in hours - then years,

In between there were weddings, surprise visits, losses, and tears

And in that great time we threatened to fade,

but fate still fought for us, knowing that there'd come a day

Where toast was a question mark and spiderturtles roamed,

where boxes of stuffing appear mysteriously in my cupboard at home,

And then that time we 'never needed to shave'

Followed soon by me losing my debit card for a day

Whether slipping up mountains or getting burnt on a beach,

Dreaming about Ipswitch and our Fairy tree,

I can't possibly imagine a better best friend,

My Two of a Three you'll be 'till the end!

~~~~

Wednesday I did not want to be here in Utah. I wanted to be in France. I changed my desktop background at work to pictures of Paris but that just wasn't enough, so I wrote this poem. It still wasn't enough, but it helped.

Today I wish I was in France,

I'd tiptoe on the streets, then dance

my way to a Paris Café,

for foamy cappuccino days,

From there I'd skip my way to Rome,

singing all their songs of home,

and once Venice had floated by,

I'd spread my arms, breath deep and fly

Way up north to Ireland,

where magic saunters through the land,

then swim to Iceland, where volcanic flows

echo the wildness in every soul.

I'll journey then through the earth,

until I touch Antarctic dirt,

to play with penguins and skate on ice,

and delight in the freezing, clear blue skies

What will come next, I do not know,

I guess wherever feels like home,

but today I'm happy to just dance,

and tiptoe on the streets of France

~~~~

I was in bed almost asleep on Thursday when I realized I hadn't written a thing and came up with this in literally 30 seconds. It's darker than I would have thought but I credit that, again, to the Neil Gaiman's influence.

Daisies and Daffodils,

clanging hearts, singing bells,

Oh how I want to run away,

but I am forced here to stay,

to witness what I cannot take,

for if I do my soul will break...

To late, I'm left with just one thing,

the comforting kiss of the endless dream

~~~~

This was the hardest poem for me to write this week. Writing a poem about winter was a writing prompt another friend had given me when I'd asked. On Friday I decided to try doing so with a non-rhyming poem, something I struggle writing more than just about anything else. I need to do a lot of work with this before I will be even remotely satisfied with it, but at least I've got it started. 

Winter breezes call my soul but outside it's green and hot

I long for diamond's frozen ice, pine for white dewdrops to fall

My mind falls into winter woods, my footsteps crunch in snow's soft blanket

Each breath creates it's own misty swirl, breathe in, breathe out, a raven caws

I pass a cave a bears silent den, I fear her not for she's lost to dreams

The rivers wide but gives me no pause, the twisting ice I know will hold

I step on following it's twists it's turns, filled with wonder at winter's beauty

It's hot outside, green and vibrant, yet winter's breeze has filled my soul

~~~~

No big story or inspiration for this one. It is simply just the story of where I was in the world, and in my mind, yesterday evening.

Tired thoughts, quiet cats,

I'm sitting in bed listening to an NPR rap,

The fan is whirring overhead, it's softening breeze clearing my head,

Birds are flying away outside, leaving echoes of songs in their stead.

Dusk has now begun to set, but the sun is not quite gone yet,

Still I know it won't be long 'till it has sunk and the world will get,

To see the stars dancing to the moon's white song,

I could watch their beauty all night long.

 ~~~~

And that's all for now, I wish all of you a spectacular week! 

A Few Randoms

So I didn't find much time for writing this week. To be honest I didn't write at all. This past Friday evening I was in my room and heard an oft repeated phrase coming through the speakers of my radio. They set off a firestorm of thoughts in my mind and I knew instantly I wanted that to be my writing topic of the week. I've spent today's noontime hours writing but am not quite satisfied with what I've come up with so far; I want more time to really line out and weave together my thoughts. But, I need to write and share something this week so a few randoms...

For the past month or so I have found myself in a situation where I'm left slightly unsatisfied by whatever book I have read. In each case the writing of the author

is exquisite to the point of tears and often the turning of each page brought another phrase delicate in it's beauty or cruel in it's truth. Yet the stories themselves could not captivate my imagination, did little to hold my attention. Last weekend I closed, for the final time, the cover of one such book and instead of looking for some new unknown volume I picked up an old favorite by Neil Gaiman. I can't tell you the delight it has been to once more be reading something that excites me, that I think about when I'm forced to do something else, that is full of magic I wish I could fall into. Neil Gaiman is pure, wonderful genius and I am so, so grateful for the day that he decided to no longer keep to himself all the fantastical worlds that exist in his mind, for this world would infinitely more dreary without them.

Several years ago I got sucked up (no pun intended) into the dark, vibrant world of the TV show Trueblood. I gathered the seasons on DVD as fast as I possibly could and went through the episodes like a wildfire races through a field of dead grass. As time passed my enthusiasm for the characters and their stories ebbed somewhat but I would return to the show every few months and fall in love with it all over again. But since it's a show full of strong language, graphic violence, and quite a bit of sex, I haven't even considered watching it since arriving in Utah, much less actually done so. Last Sunday though I woke up with it on my mind, decided it was time to revisit it again, and managed to squeeze in a couple episodes in the few hours the kids were at church. It was awesome. So I'm doing that again today, as I type actually, and this might have to become my new Sunday tradition.

This morning, NPR's Weekend Edition interviewed two members of the band SHEL. There are four members total, sisters who were home schooled as kids. They have just released their second album and among the songs is a cover of the Metallica song "Enter Sandman" . I really liked it, enough to go listen to some more of their songs on Youtube and I think I just may have found a new favorite band to listen to!  

Lastly, this ~ "You could rattle the stars," she whispered. "You could do anything, if only you dared. And deep down, you know it, too. That's what scares you most"

Take it as another reminder to not listen to fear, to refuse it the opportunity to take over your dreams, and in so doing your life. Please, whenever fear faces you, knock it down, discover your dreams, and find what it means to be truly alive!

~~~~