Mending

"If things are going untowardly one month, they are sure to mend the next!" ~ Jane Austin

This past week I've opened my eyes each morning to find a world a thousand times brighter than the one I'd been existing in since July 5th. It appears that my lifelong rollercoaster has finally reached the bottom of that particular plummeting crash and is more starting to climb into a dazzling blue sky.

To address some of the issues I listed in my post on Missing Home; for the most part I'm back to sleeping better. It's now rare for me to have a night of lying in bed hours after the sun has set with a mind that racing, refusing to let dreams soothe me. I do still have nights where I fall asleep fast and stay that way but wake up feeling as though I've run a marathon in the midnight hours. I don't have an explanation for that, the only thing I can think of is bad dreams. Hopefully that will pass. Work is as crazy as ever, but boring it now is not and the stress level has, maybe, eased down a notch (or maybe I've just adjusted to it!). I'll take that and be grateful, especially since there are a few people I work with who are truly awesome. Synge was for awhile continuing to head downhill both in weight and overall health. After more vet visits and bloodwork it (fingers crossed!) seems we might finally have her on the regime she needs. She even gained some weight last week!! My frenzied apartment hunt is now over, but that is all you will hear on that subject for a bit, at least until I return from Norway - which I am thrilled to report is finally happening!!! 

It will be a very different trip this time and not just because it's only two weeks instead of four. My friends dogs has stabilized but is still far from stellar health and continues to require a lot of care and attention. This means that hiking is not an option; surprisingly though I'm only mildly disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to go revisit some of the trails I explored last summer, and maybe even head down a new path or two, but the hikes I really wanted to do I did last summer. I have those memories and that will be enough for now. Besides, I'll have beaches to hang out on, the city to keep me busy, and - for when I really need to just move - the hundreds of walking trails that live just outside my friends front door. I think I'll love this trip just as much, it will just be a different kind of amazing.

There is one  thing that hasn't changed. I still miss Alaska, so much so that every breath I take still hovers around the edge of physical pain. But that has always been the case , it always will be, as long as I'm away. That I have learned to handle to breath through as long as other aspects of daily life are bearable, which they are. I've even had a bit of fun when yesterday Steph, her parents, the kids and I took on the Utah Renaissance Faire at Thanksgiving Point.

We cheered the Knights of Mayhem jousting, got lost in the spell of gypsies dancing, fell into joy at the sight of the sparkling Elven Fae, and bowed to Queen Elizabeth I herself. Even Captain Jack Sparrow made an appearance atop a pirate ship, both bringing much delight to adults and kids alike. We will definitely be back next year, only this time we will have costumes. Steph and I have decided that we would like to be Gypsy Faery Mermaids (I forgot to mention there were mermaids too!), a costume I think will find no better candidate, because at heart we already are all of these!

~~~~

Friday Poem

 

 

Happy Friday all! I just have a short little poem for the end of the week. I can't pinpoint any specific source of inspiration behind it, it simply floated into my head as I was driving home from work yesterday. Have a beautiful weekend :)

 



 

Deep in the heart of the woods at midnight,

Wildfires dance, faeries delight

Beneath night skies of diamond snow,

Their magic enchants, it haunts your soul

 

With fluttering laughter fueled by phoenix flames,

they spin dark fireworks, weave silver chains,

Hovering they wait for their spells to take hold,

then grasp your fingers, never let you go

~~~~~

 



One Fun Adventure and a Simple Poem

 No long post this week, just a fun adventure to share and a small poem. First the adventure; Farmington, Utah is home to an amusement park called Lagoon. The park has brought joy and excitement to Utahans and tourists alike since first opening it's 'doors' back in 1886, and visitors today can still enjoy the Victorian Carosaul that debuted in 1906 and the rickety wooden roller coaster that first thrilled riders back in 1921. To visit today costs a pretty penny ($50+), but once a year Stephanie's dad gets a screaming good deal on tickets ($5.00) from the company he once worked for. This year, that one day was yesterday, and I was lucky enough to go along.It was a blast!

It's been years since I've been on any ride scarier than a ferris wheel (which I do feel compelled to say does not scare me) and I have never been on a roller coaster - or any ride for that matter - that would spin me completely upside down. Well, that changed fast. I broke in the day on that rickety old roller coaster, got whipped around a twisty ride called Wild Mouse, and then went upside down, not just once but twice, on Colossus the Fire Dragon. My favorite ride though was not anything wild or crazy, it was the swings; the swings that raise you up high in the air and spin you around so you feel like you're flying. High on that swing I felt I was in heaven and could have happily stayed there until long after the sun had set.

And now a little poem I just began working on, inspired by the real Faery music I've been listening to all day...

Faeries flutter their diamond wings,

chanting soft music, enchanting my dreams

Beckoning gently they turn toward home,

with elysian beauty no mortal can know...

I long to discover what strange secrets they hold,

witness the wisdom of those ethereal souls

So I pursue on tiptoe their diaphanous wings,

forever to walk in this numinous dream

~~~~

Missing Home

A few weeks ago I was high on life and happiness. I went home. I was surrounded by my mom, sisters, and brother-in-laws. I held my two perfect, amazing, incredible nephews. I breathed the Alaskan mountain air and walked in the midnight summer sun. Then I returned to Utah and crashed into despair. To put it briefly:

- I'm haven't been sleeping well, at all
- Synge almost died from an insulin overdose (thankfully we've now got that all figured out)
- Work has been a weird combination of busy, boring, and stressful
- The sound system in my laptop broke
- I'm furiously looking for my own place; a depressing, discouraging, miserable process
- For the first time ever, reading is failing to bring me joy

 And I miss Alaska. Miss it so much that it sometimes hurts to breathe. I try to cope by blocking out  my emotions, which usually works, only I then become a numb, zoned-out, zombie. Of course I can only keep that up for a few days before my feelings refuse to be supressed any longer and I turn into a tearful wreck. I've said before that Alaska is the only place that I am complete, whole. And leaving, whether by choice or not, causes damage. On July 4th, when I stepped onto the red-eye flight destined for Utah I shattered. I haven't even begun put the pieces back together because I'm still trying to gather them all up, only I know I never will because half of them are floating in the Alaskan wind and only returning to Alaska is the only way I will ever find them.

When I first left Alaska five years ago, I promised myself I'd spend at least 10 years out exploring before going back; I think now I may have to revise that plan. Especially because of those two little babies, both growing bigger by the day. I hate not being able to hold them. I hate that I can't hug my mom and sisters. I hate that I'm missing so much of their lives.

Still, as miserable as I've been the past couple weeks, I'm not quite ready to give up on Utah. I know there are thousands of fun, vibrant experiences just waiting for me to step outside and discover them.It may not be my forever home but I do want to see if I can fall in love with it the same way I did Maine. I need to find my own apartment though. I did tour one Friday that I loved, really it would be perfect, but I'm too nervous and worried about how many other people may have applied to believe I'll actually get it. I'll keep my fingers crossed until I know one way or the other.

There have been a few bright gems since I've returned; diamonds in a storm that have helped me to remember life really isn't all that bad...I have gotten TWO birthday boxes from Maine friends filled with things I love beyond words. Steph and I threw a surprise Rainbow party for her kids a couple weeks ago full of fruit rainbows, skittles of all colors, tye-dye shirts, and a one of a kind canvas painting - it was an absolute blast! This past Tuesday, Benchmark held a Carnival day for the boys; we got a dunk tank, a bounce house obstacle course (which was AWESOME!), played water balloon baseball, face painted, and watched movies in the gym with snow cones, cotton candy, popcorn, and ice cream (scooped by yours truly) for refreshments. It was my favorite day of working there so far. And lastly, I've braved the 90+ degree temperatures to go hiking. This afternoon I wandered 30 minutes into Holbrook Canyon before ducking under some trees to a side trail that brought me to a quiet, hidden, shaded spot by the river. I spent one perfect beautiful hour there, listening to the music of the water as I put my thoughts to paper and imagining faeries were dancing about nearby.

A Letter to My Nephews

To my two darling nephews Tanner David and David William,

You are both brand new to this world, barely week has passed since you each took your first breath. I am blown away by how beautiful you both are, and with each new picture the love that began when I first learned of your existence has grown higher than the stars in the night sky. I wish more than anything that I could be in Alaska right now to celebrate your lives. I so desperately yearn to see with my own eyes your tiny fingers and toes, to feel the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe, to hear your little baby cries, to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. The fact that I'm not in Alaska hurts. But this letter is not about me, it's about you two and everything I hope your lives will be.

I want you to have the best childhood. To grow up loving Disney movies, even the princess ones. Watch your favorites over and over again no matter how crazy it drives your parents! Spend birthdays happily diving into presents, cakes full of candles, and ice cream with chocolate sauce. Enjoy sticky Saturday mornings amongst huge stacks of chocolate chip pancakes drizzled with maple syrup and whip cream. I can't wait for you to discover the delicious fun of chocolate chip cookie dough and the warm delight of hot cocoa after a frozen day out in the winter woods. And, when you're older, I'll be sure to introduce you to the magical elixir that is coffee (that is if Grandma Berg hasn't beaten me to it!)! Read and listen to books on cd (if cds are still around in a few years). It will be so exciting to find out which story will be the one to captivate your imagination and unlock for you the magical infinite worlds that books hold. The best thing ever will be to see you fall under the unbreakable vow of the extraordinary, wonderful world of Harry Potter and daydream that you yourself will one day wander the halls of Hogwarts. You both have parents whose lives have been enriched by animals and my wish is that you share that love and learn early the unmatchable comfort that a purring cat and tail-wagging dog can provide.

You were born in one of the most incredible places on this planet, and I hope that you feel safe and inspired by the Alaska mountains surrounding you, but don't be afraid to search the world and discover the place where you each truly belong. Travel, have grand adventures, become wild and free at the edge of the of any ocean, and feel the old power that blows through the earth’s vast deserts. Learn how to lose yourself in the beauty of the outdoors, feel how it can both electrify and calm you, alight your passions and sooth your soul.

If you are anything like me then there will be times that living with parents can be a struggle, no matter what though, never doubt their love for you. And when the time comes that they tell you can't doing something you really, really want to do try to see through your frustrations and look for the wisdom that lies behind that decision. On the other hand, when your moms start to tell stories about your crazy Aunt Kelly keep in mind that I have stories about them too that I will happily share. Also craziness can sometimes be fun!  I hope that you are blessed with the gift of true lifelong friends who will always have your back, even when you screw up (and believe me this will happen, we all screw up) and that as you grow good health and only minor scrapes and bruises follow you.

In fact, if I had my way your lives would always be perfect and your childhood innocence would never fade. I know that's impossible though and, unfortunately, there will be times this world will throw at you horrors and sadness and pain. When that happens you might feel fear and that is completely ok. You might cry and that is ok too. There is nothing wrong with being sad or scared; what matters most is how you handle it. When those moments do come knocking  just remember to hold onto the core of who you are and breathe with courage. Stand tall with minds full of dreams and magic and bravery you will be unstoppable. And don't ever let self-doubt or cruel people make you question your worth. You are special and hold a universe of unimaginable power within your mind. It is that uniqueness that has thrown onto this world a splash of sparkle that can never be replaced by anyone or anything ever. Never, ever forget that you make this planet a better place by existing.

I have one last thing to say, something that your Grandpa Berg once wished for me, and it has never led me wrong so far. Follow Your Bliss. Explore the pathways of all your interests regardless of fear, doubt, or naysayers; and when you do stumble upon that something which sets off fireworks in your soul, chase that passion with everything you have. Do whatever it takes to follow the path of your heart because only the attainment of your own personal destiny will make you truly happy.

The words in this letter are only a tiny snowflake in the Arctic tundra of what I wish for you. I cannot wait to watch you step your way through the phases of life, to discover the wonders of this world, and to experience the small joys that can make life so amazing. It will be an honor to one day meet the men you will ultimately become. Don't grow up too fast though I need to see you little guys first!

                           Love you always and forever,
                                                         Aunt Kelly

Sadness

Briefly, the highlights - and lowlights - of this past week. My dislike of California and their ridiculous way of doing things (something that first began with my introduction to Kaiser at my last job) came back with a vengeance. I had the best phone call ever at work when I got to tell a mother who's been trying to get her son into Benchmark since October that we finally have a bed for him. I am vigorously enjoying my latest read 'Bottomland' by Michelle Hover. I kind of (after months of missing it) accidentally-on-purpose bought the first season of Game of Thrones on DVD (it was on sale so at least that's something). And, after a series of signs indicating that something was just not right, Synge had her first appointment with a Utah vet yesterday that culminated in a diabetes diagnosis. That last bit left me more than a little sad and with a mind that's been racing with questions, ideas, and plans on how to take care of her from now on.

Of course all of that, good and bad, pales in comparison to the news I woke up this morning. If you haven't yet heard what I'm referring to then take a deep breath and go check out NPR's website, or CNN, Huffington Post, your local TV news, any news site really. Fifty people killed last night, over fifty more in the hospital fighting for their lives; the biggest mass shooting in the history of the United States. I spent most of the morning listening to NPR's radio coverage growing more heartbroken and somber by the minute. For some reason this shooting has affected me more than the others in our country's recent history. Thinking of the nightmare those peoples families are walking through now, imagining what it must have been like for all those trapped inside that club last night, there have been many moments I've barely held back tears. I just don't understand it. I don't understand how someone's soul can hold that kind of hate. I don't understand how we as a country have come to a point where we accept devastating acts like this, that they are tolerated. You might say that we don't isn't the case, but clearly it is because we - as a whole - don't ever do anything to make them stop. Events such as todays are not going to disappear by active passiveness; they will only get bigger and worse as today's tragedy demonstrates. I won't share my exact, opinions of what I think needs to change, at least not today. If anyone feels compelled to comment on today’s post I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same.

And now I'm checking out. For the rest of the day I plan to Actively Avoid Adulthood. I might color. I might collage. I might watch and/or listen to some Harry Potter, that tends to cheer me up. I'm going to be grateful that I woke up today full of breath and peace, a luxury that was denied today to so many. I am going to focus on being full of love, for a life full of love truly is the only thing that will let your soul fly free and happy.

Remembering to be Grateful

I don't feel much like writing today. I wasn't super enthusiastic about it yesterday either, or the day before that, or all week really. In fact I feel like all of my creative energy has been zapped into oblivion, I haven't been inspired to do anything for days. This week has been a bit rough and perhaps that's the cause behind my apathy.

I've struggled this week to be ok with where I am right now, to be happy breathing Utah air. I love it's mountains, the hiking trails I've walked on, love the sense of wildness that runs beneath the earth. The people I've met have been amazing to me, but the sheer volume of people who live here is too overwhelming. Everywhere I go there are houses for miles, dozens upon dozens of apartment complexes, and big box store after big box store all reminding me that I no longer live in a small state. And while I don't at all regret my decision to leave, I miss the charm that breathed in every city in Maine. I especially, desperately miss Brunswick and have woken up dreaming of my adopted home there dozens of times since I left in October.

The last minute change to my June plans has also played a role in this weeks dysphoria. My trip to Norway has officially been rescheduled for September. I'm fairly certain that exploring Norway at that time of year will be incredible, but not going in June has brought into stark focus the fact that I am not going to be home either to witness the birth of my sisters babies and that reality is becoming increasingly hard to be ok with. In fact I'm not ok with it at all.

Those are the main reasons behind my lackluster mood there are others but taken alone they really aren't that bad. I know from past experience that after some time passes, a few days or a couple weeks, I'll be back to my cheerful self. And I know that having downs like these are just a normal part of life but of course knowing them doesn't make them suck any less when they do decide to show their faces. Now that I've shared all this (despite my zero desire to write), I'm going to end this post by doing something that often helps life my spirits when they're threatening to fall - sharing some things that I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful for Steph for her family and the wonderful way they have welcomed me to Utah. I'm grateful that both my sisters have had healthy pregnancies allowing them to enjoy this incredible moment in their lives. I'm grateful to have found a job where I feel like I make a real difference in peoples lives. I'm grateful for the quiet walk among the birds I experienced this morning at the Great Shorelands Preserve and I am so grateful that while the temperature outside is scorching not even an ounce of humidity is present. I'm grateful for the quiet afternoon I'm spending now, watching Once Upon a Time with a couple of Steph's kids, and I'm grateful that their house has AC! I'm grateful for Synge's quiet sweetness and Faelina's never-ending excitement about life. I'm grateful for who I am, grateful to know that I am loved by many people - something that so many people never have.

Well what do you know, I'm feeling better already.