Missing Home

A few weeks ago I was high on life and happiness. I went home. I was surrounded by my mom, sisters, and brother-in-laws. I held my two perfect, amazing, incredible nephews. I breathed the Alaskan mountain air and walked in the midnight summer sun. Then I returned to Utah and crashed into despair. To put it briefly:

- I'm haven't been sleeping well, at all
- Synge almost died from an insulin overdose (thankfully we've now got that all figured out)
- Work has been a weird combination of busy, boring, and stressful
- The sound system in my laptop broke
- I'm furiously looking for my own place; a depressing, discouraging, miserable process
- For the first time ever, reading is failing to bring me joy

 And I miss Alaska. Miss it so much that it sometimes hurts to breathe. I try to cope by blocking out  my emotions, which usually works, only I then become a numb, zoned-out, zombie. Of course I can only keep that up for a few days before my feelings refuse to be supressed any longer and I turn into a tearful wreck. I've said before that Alaska is the only place that I am complete, whole. And leaving, whether by choice or not, causes damage. On July 4th, when I stepped onto the red-eye flight destined for Utah I shattered. I haven't even begun put the pieces back together because I'm still trying to gather them all up, only I know I never will because half of them are floating in the Alaskan wind and only returning to Alaska is the only way I will ever find them.

When I first left Alaska five years ago, I promised myself I'd spend at least 10 years out exploring before going back; I think now I may have to revise that plan. Especially because of those two little babies, both growing bigger by the day. I hate not being able to hold them. I hate that I can't hug my mom and sisters. I hate that I'm missing so much of their lives.

Still, as miserable as I've been the past couple weeks, I'm not quite ready to give up on Utah. I know there are thousands of fun, vibrant experiences just waiting for me to step outside and discover them.It may not be my forever home but I do want to see if I can fall in love with it the same way I did Maine. I need to find my own apartment though. I did tour one Friday that I loved, really it would be perfect, but I'm too nervous and worried about how many other people may have applied to believe I'll actually get it. I'll keep my fingers crossed until I know one way or the other.

There have been a few bright gems since I've returned; diamonds in a storm that have helped me to remember life really isn't all that bad...I have gotten TWO birthday boxes from Maine friends filled with things I love beyond words. Steph and I threw a surprise Rainbow party for her kids a couple weeks ago full of fruit rainbows, skittles of all colors, tye-dye shirts, and a one of a kind canvas painting - it was an absolute blast! This past Tuesday, Benchmark held a Carnival day for the boys; we got a dunk tank, a bounce house obstacle course (which was AWESOME!), played water balloon baseball, face painted, and watched movies in the gym with snow cones, cotton candy, popcorn, and ice cream (scooped by yours truly) for refreshments. It was my favorite day of working there so far. And lastly, I've braved the 90+ degree temperatures to go hiking. This afternoon I wandered 30 minutes into Holbrook Canyon before ducking under some trees to a side trail that brought me to a quiet, hidden, shaded spot by the river. I spent one perfect beautiful hour there, listening to the music of the water as I put my thoughts to paper and imagining faeries were dancing about nearby.