Crows

I had a different poem ready to share today. All somber and melancholy. But then I heard a talk about crows, their mystery and beauty, and decided to write something that was a bit more uplifting. 

I hope you, reader, are happy and laughing. Healthy and whole 💙

~*~

The language of crows

refuses to go unheard

insists on being understood

They will 

create chaos

make graveyards of the sky

until we listen...

...and we should

listen...

...for crows are hatched 

with hope sewn into their feathers

they soak up life, theirs eyes 

glinting with the mystery 

of pure freedom

talons dripping the change 

most do not know how to ask for.

*

They are our human selves transformed

into an existence that promises

something more than mere 

destruction 

We should be so lucky

to be born a crow

mischievous joy bursting from our hearts

as we fly through uneven wind

after a stoic eagle - quiet, alone, lonely

We will remind him, how to laugh.

~*~

~*~*~

68

Today is my dad’s birthday. He would have been 68.

Many years ago, I think I was 11 (but could have been 13), my dad told me that instead of a birthday gift, he wanted to go fishing. Just the two of us. We went dip netting in Soldotna. Two or three days. He was excited about the fishing and father-daughter time. I was mostly excited because (at the time) Soldotna was the only place in Alaska with a Dairy Queen and I had been guaranteed a blizzard. I’ll let you decide who had their priorities in order!

It wasn’t the most successful trip in terms of fish. We caught one, in the very final hours of the trip. But our few days there gave my engineering-minded dad the opportunity to study the processes and dipnets of the people who were catching fish faster than the blink of an eye, and when we went back as a family a few weeks later – newly crafted dip net in tow – well, let’s just say my dad’s observations served him well.

But I’m getting sidetracked…on this first father-daughter weekend, the fish might not have been raising their metaphorical hands for us to catching them, but we had fun. Sometimes I was out on the shore with him. Other times I stayed in our pop-up camper, happily cleaning it and making THE MOST ridiculous birthday gift out of the various odd items I'd gleaned from the camper's tiny cupboards. (side note – that was I think, the only time in my entire life that I ever happily cleaned anything)

 On his actual birthday instead of a cake, we picked up a gigantic cinnamon roll from the grocery store. Before we ate it, I took a picture of him, sitting at the camper’s table. It’s the picture you see here; it’s one of my favorites.

Since my dad died, I’ve written numerous things about him. When I look through them all, this particularly weekend is mentioned almost every single time. That makes a sort of sense, to focus on the moments and memories that always seem to sparkle when you look on them.

Not every memory is a happy one, of course. My dad wasn’t perfect, but no one is, and I was/am no picnic myself. But he was, I think, the perfect dad for me and my sisters. I miss him every day. And I am grateful for him every day.

Friday Reflections

The bay waters are mirrored silver

If I step in will I find Wonderland

I wonder

Wandering is pristine relief

It's own form 

Of sorrow

~*~

~*~*~

Abalone

Prompt Challenge: Write the letters of the alphabet down the side of your page. Start at the top, each line will start with the letter on that line. Complete each line as it carries on from the one before.

This prompt has been resting in my inbox for a few weeks now.  Tonight, I decided it had been there a few weeks too long, so I sat down and this spilled out of me. It's dark I know, but sometimes darkness reveals the most truest of beauty. Plus, the world currently feels like it's been trapped inside Poe's Pit and the Pendulum, so you can hardly blame me...

~*~

Abalone sea shells

Bare their teeth up to the sky

Crows caw with forced clarity

Daring the mountains beneath them

Eating the clouds of hearts

Far away I’m certain

God exists in a halcyon land, there

Hope is more than a tattered gleam

Islands brim with jewel toned peace

Justice roams with a purposeful hand, but…

Killing is all I see here

Love splayed out, then drawn and quartered

Marooned upon cold sea waves that know

Nothing but cruel barbarity and

Opened doors that have never witnessed laughter

Pain is the ruling monarch

Queen of blood and death and

rage echoing with

Stained words that spill over the seconds of every page

Tripping on the bones of every scattered story

Unheard are screams for mercy, unheeded pleas for peace

Victory is found only by the violent

Wanderers who believe bravery only breeds inside slashing swords, yet

Xtal waterfalls are our true beautiful wonder, but they too fall

Yelling into gravity as each liquid stone sinks from it’s

Zenith into unbeing

*~*~*

~*~

Prompt Poem

A poem born from a writing prompt and heavily inspired by this morning's moon. I love you all and hope for your continued health, happiness, safety, peace ...

I’m drunk on moonshine

The sort that drips from the sky

Faded amber drops

Together forming footprints

Fracturing my iron 

 the snapping howl of my existence

I am haunted

And the question is survival

From this watercolor romance

I have caught between the stars

Wish their fever was my veins

Biting me in half

*~*

*~*~*~*

Morning Poem

*~*

A lone loon in the bay this morning

Beauty is black and white and red

Breath crashing into salty sea

Each life holds significance; every heartbeat vitality

But death still looms, that wild monster

*~*

I love you all. I hope you're healthy. I hope you're whole.

💙

~*~*~

Anxious Joy

Cold, so cold

And fear is gray

Rain falls, taking place of tears

So long forced to stay unshed

Worry rocking the world to sleep

A barbed lullaby

Sirens have such sharp teeth

Death seems to linger

Every breath we breathe

And the world is gray

Cold, so cold

~*~

I wrote the above poem yesterday. In came in a sudden flash of anxiety ridden inspiration. One of the many lightening bolts of fear that have riddled my life this past week. Thankfully, gracefully, the terror faded almost as quickly as it came on. Over the last few days I've been better at managing my worries. At stopping my ridiculous ruminations over possibilities that might never become actualized, and instead focus on what currently is. Remember just how lucky  I am, especially when compared to so many others. Instead of:

- What if I lose my job

- What if I can't pay bills

- What if I get sick

- What if my mom, sisters, friends get sick

- What if Faelina suddenly dies

- What if, what if, what if.....

I have practiced saying Right now

- Right now I am still working, from home

- Right now I am able to pay bills

- Right now I am not being forced to put my life on the line to work & pay said bills

- Right now I feel physically healthy

- Right now the people I love most are healthy

- Right now Faelina is her happy little demon faerie self

- Right now I am ok, safe, lucky

I could pit 'What Ifs' against 'Right Nows' all day, but would it help anything? No. And yes, with things changing faster than firecracker sparks, my Right now could take a drastic decline in the next 24 hours. But worrying it will helps only my anxiety.

I was thinking  today about anxiety. How to explain it properly. I don't know if I ever can, partly because it manifests differently for everyone. But I did have this thought. Anxiety is like bubbles. Dozens to hundreds of floating bubbles. Only unlike real bubbles, whose beautiful shimmery skins highlight the beautiful spaces inside the seconds of our life... anxiety bubbles are sharp, prickly, barbed things that stab at anything beautiful until all you see is bloody air and floundering dreams, and HOW DARE YOU even think that you could be happy over anything.

Over the past few days I've tried incredibly hard to focus on actively fighting against all those little pointy bubbles. I am doing this by:

- Checking the news 2-3 times a day instead of every hour

- Repeating to myself the list of all the good things I have right now

- STAYING HOME except for,

- Solo hikes and once weekly trips to the grocery store

- Making small purchases to small business I love, who I know are struggling more than I am

- Reaching out to various family and friends that I don't often talk to. Letting them know I'm thinking of them

- Reading, snuggling with Faelina, drinking lots of coffee (my happiness trifecta)

- Writing

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a million real, iridescent, glittering bubbles flooding my life with hope and beauty and love. And even if my right now takes a drastic decline in the next day or week, I am still so much luckier than so many millions of people. And if you ever hear me start to say otherwise, I give you definite permission to smack me upside the head until I snap out of my ridiculous pity party. Because honestly, I have no room to complain. Not when I think of the doctors & nurses, grocery store clerks & postal works, and thousands of others who are literally risking their lives every day by helping others. They're the ones who have cause to be anxious, not me.

I started this post with a bleak poem. I leave you with one that is decidedly more hopeful. I wrote it this morning, while out hiking beneath impossibly tall trees, the air so crisply cold it dazzled, birds darting from branch to branch, singing their favorite songs.

~*~

Pillars of the temple

A temple of trees

With diamonds formed dewdrops

With spaces between

For the harkens of bird call

Such nourishment they bring

To the spaces in our souls

That so strongly need

Essential joy

~*~

I wish you all safe comforts and continued health.

Love to you all.

~*~*~