A Hopeful Milestone

Yesterday marked 4 months of my road to recovery. To say it has been tough would be like calling the ocean a small puddle or Mt Everest just a little tall. Each day has been a battle leaving me with new marks and scars by sunset. Every day though has been worth it. This past week brought new challenges and there were some nights I really struggled and fell. I lost some fights and won others, but those stories I'll share another time. Right now I just want to focus on the good, on everything I've gained because I continue to fight.

I have regained most of my physical health back. I have found deeper bonds in my relationships with family and friends, and gained new friends and allies that have shared this journey with me. I have found aspects of myself I believed were forever lost. I once again dance in the cold, relish lazy mornings in bed, and enjoy the fun and adventure of spontaneity. I have looked fear in the eye and run, not away from, but towards it, refusing to be cowed down, refusing to let it win. And I am stronger than I have ever been before. Even on the days I feel most weak I know I have discovered a power within myself that will not ever let her take over again.

Today is the the start of National Eating Disorders Awareness week. I used to always say I could never become anorexic because I loved eating food too much. I was a fool. When I first started treatment at Mercy, I thought I knew no one else who had suffered from this disease. Again I was a fool. Eating disorders are about so much more than food, they are not just an attempt to have the “perfect body”, they are not just caused by the images and body standards portrayed by the media (although that doesn't help), and they sure as hell are not something that anyone chooses to do. I realized all this when I woke up one day and realized I was in one, and by then it had become to strong and I to weak to fight.

Statistics show that one in ten people will suffer from an eating disorder in their lifetime, but so many people are unaware of the fight and struggle of those who have them. It is in the nature and desires of eating disorders to cause their victims to lie and hide their secrets from the world. People with eating disorders often feel alone, trapped, scared and ashamed of what they've “let” themselves become. The all to common misconceptions of society as to what eating disorders are all about does nothing to help these individuals take that first HUGE step of admitting their problem and asking for help.

The only way that you can ever truly know what it is like to have an eating disorder is to experience one yourself, a hell I would not wish on anyone. The next best thing then is to seek out as much information as you can. So what I am asking you to do is some research, to do a little reading every day this week. Look up an article about the health effects of these disorders. Search for the reasons why eating disorders can begin. Discover ways to notice the warning signs that someone you know may have a disorder and then find information on what you can do to help them. Read the stories of others who have suffered, who are fighting, and learn what it was like for them. If you have any questions for me then ask. Then, take all of that and then share it with others. For it is only by sharing knowledge, by promoting understanding, and by offering nothing but love and support for people with these disorders will that we as a society can beat them.

I woke up today with her telling me that I was not enough. I woke up to her demands that I work myself to exhaustion. I wanted to go out to the woods and explore, but she wanted it more, so I'm staying home because I know that anything otherwise would mean she wins. Even now I feel her pushing me to stop fighting and I'm listening to her tell me to skip food for the rest of the day. She's provided ample opinions on how I look in my clothes, and is doing her utmost best to get me to hate my body and how I feel in it. I don't expect her to stop, rather I foresee the rest of today being one full of mental and emotional exhaustion as I work to just make it from one second to the next without letting her take hold. But the anniversary of yesterday has given me an extra shield to throw up and block her advances. The fact that I've made it this far is a big deal, and I hope that four months from now I will still be winning the fight, still gaining strength, still be breaking through the chains she'd built up for so long. I hope that four months from now I can still say I am doing all that I can to find freedom.