Close Call

Golden pain

drawn with intent

wrapped careful lines between

my heart and hope.

How long will this forever last?
I hope not

a lifetime.

The beginning words of this poem came out from a page of an old book with the rest of the words soon following.

I haven't had much time to write lately. Even tonight I am unable to delve into much detail, but this last week and a half has been hard on frightening level and I need to share. The solid foundation of recovery I've been building seems to have turned into an earthquake of waves trying desperately to pull me under. Only part of me was aware of this though, while most of my mind wandered into happy oblivion. I almost lost...I almost drowned.

Thankfully, I saw my therapist yesterday and we had a very candid discussion about what's been going on, and I left feeling safer and more in charge of my actions. It also helps that this is National Eating Disorder Awareness week and seeing regular reminders about the horrors of this disease is also helping. But how close I came to relapse is something that leaves me questioning everything. Even now the power of temptation, how easy it would be to just give in is almost unbearable. I'm feeling lost, miserable, awful and unsure of myself.

Like I've said before, writing helps and I know this post will tonight. I will try really hard to share more soon and give an update that will hopefully be a more positive one. Feel free to follow this up with e-mails, texts, or calls asking how I am and what I've eaten so far that day. In fact, it would be awesome if you did – I need some extra help right now.