Today I woke up to cold air on my face, I turned to my open window and peered out to see rain hitting the streets like wildfire. My first thought was "Yay, rain!", my second thought was "I feel awful", my third "It doesn't matter how you feel, you need to go for a walk now". I normally do start off my Sundays by taking a long morning walk. I like how few people are out that time of day, and the sun, heat and humidity still have a few hours to reach their peak making the air outside still pleasant.I would have loved being out in the rain, but I knew beyond doubt that it would hurt my efforts to kick this cold and I'd only feel worse after. She didn't care though, she told me if I wanted to eat all of my meal plan than I needed to walk as much I would if healthy. I told her to shut up, I took a shower and went back to sleep the rest of the morning.
I've spent the rest of the day responding to her cruel statements with one of my own "Actions speak louder than words". I've been telling everyone that I will do my absolute best to gain weight this week because I am committed to my health, but those words mean nothing if I don't make the right choices to make sure that happens. I tried to pretend like I was a patient at Mercy again, where all I was allowed to do on weekends was sit and eat with exercise being strictly off limits. So I've slept, sat and read, and eaten. This afternoon I felt more full of energy, more like a human being, and decided some fresh air would be beneficial. So I discharged myself from my mental Mercy stay, went for a walk. It was only a short one, on my terms not hers, and it was nice feel the slight breeze and see the rain drops gracing the tree leaves. Although I walked only a fraction of what I do most days, I was tired when I got home so I changed back in to pjs and had a snack. My other project for today was to make my own list of "Alternatives to Self-Destructive Acts". I figured this was a week where having one would be particularly helpful. It isn't particularly long, but I think I have some pretty great options on there...
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There was one other thing that helped me stay strong today. Given that it's Father's Day, it makes sense that my dad would be in the forefront of my thoughts. During my session last week, my therapist and I had talked about Father's Day, and she also asked how I thought my dad would have responded to my eating disorder. My answer was that I honestly didn't know. I think he would have been confused about what it meant and why it happened. I don't think he would have understood just what eating disorders are, but then most people don't. I think he would have been unsure of how to handle it and react towards me, at least at first. But knowing my dads penchant for talking through everything (to a degree that drove me nuts when I was younger), I think he would have sat down and talked to me in an effort to understand what I was going through. I do know that regardless of anything else, what he would want was for me to get healthy. He would encourage me and support me through this journey to recovery, and fight for me and with me as much as he could. I guess in a way he does...because it wasn't just today that he helped me stay strong through his memory, it's every day. He does that for me every day. 
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