I read a book yesterday; 'Some Kind of FairyTale' by Graham Joyce. Entranced I was, ensnared by the mystery and possibility of magic. Through the words on it's pages came this poem.
~*~*~*~
Are there faeries in the shadows
A light to cross the candles wane
The land is full of mist and shadows
I'll not see you again
See there were bluebells full of whispers
Fields of light and lakes on fire
Cherries blossomed gold and wicked
I have become a faerie child
Oh, but promise that you'll wait for me
Give no embrace to others arms
For I will fight and cry and bleed
I'll find some way back to your heart
~*~*~*~
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Sunday Poem
A simple Sunday poem
~*~*~*~
I watch the sunshine birds,
through wisp of coffee steam.
Their tiny beaks jab, jabbing.
Little spots of happiness
trickling down their throats
Then they flit away without the
grace to give notice or
whisper of their plans.
Unbridled freedom in each
bone of their wings
Below them lay seeds, enough
have dropped to grow a garden
of flowers and lost dreams
each once glittered with hope
now they're discarded, forgotten
~*~*~*~
~*~*~*~
I watch the sunshine birds,
through wisp of coffee steam.
Their tiny beaks jab, jabbing.
Little spots of happiness
trickling down their throats
Then they flit away without the
grace to give notice or
whisper of their plans.
Unbridled freedom in each
bone of their wings
Below them lay seeds, enough
have dropped to grow a garden
of flowers and lost dreams
each once glittered with hope
now they're discarded, forgotten
~*~*~*~
Sunday, January 7, 2018
A Monster's Song
Fenrir, the most feared wolf of Norse mythology. His father was Loki, God of Chaos, and his mother the giantess Angrboda. Born with the threat of evil on his breath and the gift of limitless growth in his limbs; the gods feared what he'd become. Through trickery and the assistance of dwarves, the gods bound him with a magical chain made of the sound of cat's footesteps, the beard of a woman, a breath of a fish, sinews of a bear, a birds spit, and the roots of a mountain. Chained to an island rock the gods left Fenrir, and for many hundreds of years he endured nothing but misery.
But nothing lasts forever, and at last the prophecy of Ragnarok rang true and Fenrir broke free.
I saw Fenrir recently. He was fierce, horrible and beautiful. I asked him his thoughts, seized with an unquenchable desire to know what went on inside his mind. He granted my wish; shared his darkness encased in a poem, then was gone.
~~~
Devour, death, destroy. Deliver naught but despair.
Rip through them. Rip through teeth, flesh, bone. Sift blood to my soul. Taste death.
They will not see me coming, I'm a ghost inside clouds,
Gnashing teeth among waves, reckless claws in the wind. I am shapeless 'till the last.
Time; roar, lunge from the shadows; darkness; twist all into chaos.
Pouring blood will reign.
They will hear me first. Calling. Howling. Praying.
But not to the moon, crying it's pathetic pearls.
I'll turn that moon red by the time I've done.
Cause the stars to fall, drown their light in fields of lava.
Kill them all. End everything.
Death, destroy, demolish, destruction. Blood, always blood.
Roll in it, soak my heart, turn my thoughts red, and only when the moon shares that violent color,
will I lift my head and sing it's song.
Tear, through life. Shred, crush bones. Make them scream for mercy.Turn those screams into
poems.
Open maw; swallow life; consume...Him.
Revenge is power, sweetened by Thunder's blood.
Wild, unhinged, unfettered
Turn the world red.
Set fire to the blood.
Set fire to sun.
Burn it all down.
~~~~
Saturday, December 23, 2017
My (not so) Merry Christmas
This morning, as I followed my normal random path of thoughts; one led me down a side trail that resulted in this post. It was written quickly so the writing might be stilted and choppy. It is also without much read through or editing, so please forgive any glaring errors.
"In a world were everyone wears a mask, it is a privilege to see a soul'.
My thought this morning revolved around the pressure, ever growing, put on individuals to always have this perfect, happy life. To never be without control. To refuse to break under pressure or, if we do, to never, ever, for any reason show it. We live in a world wear a mask is required. I am sick of that rule. I am going to break it. So here is a snapshot of life for me today.
This has not been my happiest of holiday seasons. As the days have passed, screaming unapologetically towards Christmas, I've grown increasingly homesick. I am not sure if it's the difficult year I've had or my nephews or something else entirely, but the absence of Alaska and family has never been this hard. My eating disorder did a rather decent job of kicking my but the second half of November/first part of December. The last week an half has been better, though that always brings it's own set of issues. I saw the doctor a couple weeks back and found out I had pretty low iron levels. It brought relief, of a kind, to know the bone deep exhaustion I'd been feeling of late had an explanation. I started an iron supplement got a slight, but noticeable, uptick in energy. I hope that only continues. Work has been crazy, but I've adopted a routine of caring one day and then not letting it get to me the next. It also helps to remind myself that, compared to the responsibilities/stresses of my co-workers, my job is a cakewalk. This helps to curb my inner complaints. I've been filled with dreams and plans for the future, but an inability to immediately act on them, leaves me feeling stuck, stifled. I, of course, waited until the last minute to do Christmas shopping and no one will get their gifts on Monday, leaving me to feel like a horrible daughter/sister/friend etc.... Money is tight, more so than usual.
The purpose of sharing those things isn't to generate sympathy or pity. It was done to rip off the perfect mask of lies. It's to say that this won't be my happiest of Christmases and that's ok. Not every day is a good one, so too with holidays. That is life.
I know there are others, people with whom I interact almost daily, who are dealing with heartaches much greater than my own. And I know that at least a few of those people feel guilt over their lack of holiday spirit, try to hide the feeling they are crumbling. If any of them read these words, I hope they are able to glean from them their own strength to set fire to that guilt and rip off their own pain filled masks. It is ok to feel sad, to be witness to failure, to not love every second of your life.
I worked hard to create happiness today. I smiled at the sight of Faelina quivering with trepidatious rage at birds skittering just outside my window. I could almost taste, her desire to break free, to attack. I started re-reading (something I never let myself do) one of my most favorite books, The King of Elfland's Daughter. I swear it is one of the most beautifully written books ever to exist. I went to the movies, finding fair entertainment for a couple hours. I decided on a walk and was graced with one of the most stunning mountain sights I'd seen in a long while. (Thank you universe for putting that thought in my head when you did). I listened to music I loved, loudly, blurring the lines of where the music stopped and I began. I sneaked into Inspirations front door, found a new creative writing project. I deliberated over, decided upon, the word which will be my theme for 2018. I stepped through the doors of my favorite store Barnes&Noble. I sit now in their cafe, sipping coffee and typing away. I am fairly certain that when I leave this place, it will be with a few new books in tow (thanks to the gift card I've been saving!). I know I have a warm home to return to. And in that home is a small Christmas tree, sparkling with lights, and presents tucked beneath it's branches. Now some of those presents are the ones I didn't get in time to send, but others are from family and friends. People who love me. I have much to be grateful for. Today was a surprisingly good day. I have hopes that tomorrow will be another. If it isn't though that is ok. That is life.
I close with a request...plea...call it what you will. Don't lock yourself inside a world of lies and false perfection. Rip off your own masks. Shine on the happy days but don't be afraid to let your tears show on the bad ones. Because you need them both, you need all emotions. Life is a breath of magic, one full of delightful beauty and devastating tragedy. Blink one away and you'll never be able to fly with the other. So live, fully, whatever that may bring.
~~~
My thought this morning revolved around the pressure, ever growing, put on individuals to always have this perfect, happy life. To never be without control. To refuse to break under pressure or, if we do, to never, ever, for any reason show it. We live in a world wear a mask is required. I am sick of that rule. I am going to break it. So here is a snapshot of life for me today.
This has not been my happiest of holiday seasons. As the days have passed, screaming unapologetically towards Christmas, I've grown increasingly homesick. I am not sure if it's the difficult year I've had or my nephews or something else entirely, but the absence of Alaska and family has never been this hard. My eating disorder did a rather decent job of kicking my but the second half of November/first part of December. The last week an half has been better, though that always brings it's own set of issues. I saw the doctor a couple weeks back and found out I had pretty low iron levels. It brought relief, of a kind, to know the bone deep exhaustion I'd been feeling of late had an explanation. I started an iron supplement got a slight, but noticeable, uptick in energy. I hope that only continues. Work has been crazy, but I've adopted a routine of caring one day and then not letting it get to me the next. It also helps to remind myself that, compared to the responsibilities/stresses of my co-workers, my job is a cakewalk. This helps to curb my inner complaints. I've been filled with dreams and plans for the future, but an inability to immediately act on them, leaves me feeling stuck, stifled. I, of course, waited until the last minute to do Christmas shopping and no one will get their gifts on Monday, leaving me to feel like a horrible daughter/sister/friend etc.... Money is tight, more so than usual.
The purpose of sharing those things isn't to generate sympathy or pity. It was done to rip off the perfect mask of lies. It's to say that this won't be my happiest of Christmases and that's ok. Not every day is a good one, so too with holidays. That is life.
I know there are others, people with whom I interact almost daily, who are dealing with heartaches much greater than my own. And I know that at least a few of those people feel guilt over their lack of holiday spirit, try to hide the feeling they are crumbling. If any of them read these words, I hope they are able to glean from them their own strength to set fire to that guilt and rip off their own pain filled masks. It is ok to feel sad, to be witness to failure, to not love every second of your life.
~~~
I worked hard to create happiness today. I smiled at the sight of Faelina quivering with trepidatious rage at birds skittering just outside my window. I could almost taste, her desire to break free, to attack. I started re-reading (something I never let myself do) one of my most favorite books, The King of Elfland's Daughter. I swear it is one of the most beautifully written books ever to exist. I went to the movies, finding fair entertainment for a couple hours. I decided on a walk and was graced with one of the most stunning mountain sights I'd seen in a long while. (Thank you universe for putting that thought in my head when you did). I listened to music I loved, loudly, blurring the lines of where the music stopped and I began. I sneaked into Inspirations front door, found a new creative writing project. I deliberated over, decided upon, the word which will be my theme for 2018. I stepped through the doors of my favorite store Barnes&Noble. I sit now in their cafe, sipping coffee and typing away. I am fairly certain that when I leave this place, it will be with a few new books in tow (thanks to the gift card I've been saving!). I know I have a warm home to return to. And in that home is a small Christmas tree, sparkling with lights, and presents tucked beneath it's branches. Now some of those presents are the ones I didn't get in time to send, but others are from family and friends. People who love me. I have much to be grateful for. Today was a surprisingly good day. I have hopes that tomorrow will be another. If it isn't though that is ok. That is life.
~~~
~~~~
Monday, December 4, 2017
Poem
Make of this poem what you will. I give no explanation for it, save that it was sparked by words I heard this past week. It's not particularly graceful but, most times, neither is life.
~~~~
They want to be invisible
A winter star that’s never seen
Or blow away into the ether
Or blow away into the ether
Dandelion wisps lost to the wind
They dream only of the shadows
Long to walk those halls as ghosts
To at last become the hauntings
That have so destroyed their world
They’ll wake to that place someday
Perhaps sooner than they think
First fading into mist, then feathers
Then lost forever to the wind
~~~~
Sunday, November 19, 2017
A Plea for Empathy
A few years back I wrote a short post about a video I'd seen on a work conference. The message of the video was to inspire empathy and understanding towards others, because so often you truly have no idea what joys or sadnesses they could be experiencing. The first time I saw this video I cried; watching it years later I cried again.
Lately, I've seen an overwhelming amount of judgement and negativity directed towards others. I see it in the world at large in politics, international relations, race, religion, etc.... but I also see, hear and feel it among the people I interact with on a daily basis. It saddens me, deeply.
So I've decided to share the link to the video again. I hope that you'll watch it. I hope too, that you'll take it's message to heart. That you'll remember the people you talk to in the store, the peers you interact with at work, and the neighbors who live across the street are living inside a world completely different from your world. Try not to judge too harshly, the person on the phone who says something rude - they might have just been yelled at themselves for no good reason. Don't criticize the people down the street for never having a clean yard - they might suffer chronic pain and not have anyone who can help them. Let go of any annoyance you may feel for a person who talks insufferably about the same topic over and over again - it might be the only thing in their life that brings them any joy.
Our world will, I think, be a better place if we can all find it in our hearts to do this more; and that in turn will make our hearts happier, brighter places to call home.
Lately, I've seen an overwhelming amount of judgement and negativity directed towards others. I see it in the world at large in politics, international relations, race, religion, etc.... but I also see, hear and feel it among the people I interact with on a daily basis. It saddens me, deeply.
So I've decided to share the link to the video again. I hope that you'll watch it. I hope too, that you'll take it's message to heart. That you'll remember the people you talk to in the store, the peers you interact with at work, and the neighbors who live across the street are living inside a world completely different from your world. Try not to judge too harshly, the person on the phone who says something rude - they might have just been yelled at themselves for no good reason. Don't criticize the people down the street for never having a clean yard - they might suffer chronic pain and not have anyone who can help them. Let go of any annoyance you may feel for a person who talks insufferably about the same topic over and over again - it might be the only thing in their life that brings them any joy.
Our world will, I think, be a better place if we can all find it in our hearts to do this more; and that in turn will make our hearts happier, brighter places to call home.
~~~~
Sunday, November 12, 2017
A Return of Self
Since I last posted, I can point to only a handful of days I have not written at least one sentence. I would journal on the events of my day, on worries and concerns I’d troubled with, but all my sentences were stilted, chaotic. I’ve begun numerous short stories, each floundering after page one. I’ve penned poems but all so terrible that the poems themselves crinkled in shame at their own words. Often I wanted, really, to come back to this blog, but with my newfound inability to focus on any paper I’ve put pen to, I decided not to waste other people's time. I’m not quite sure why I’ve had such struggles, but I think primarily it all boils down to my mental health.
A brief snapshot of what that means. Earlier this year, I returned to therapy. I began in February and have gone almost every week since. My new therapist has a ton of experience working with those monsters called eating disorders, and with her help I've attained a few breakthroughs, but there have also been some setbacks. It's a constant swing of highs and lows that leave me with the inescapable feeling that I’m the ever fraying rope in a game of tug-o-war between my eating disorder and the whole rest of the world. I also continue to struggle with the place I currently call home. Mountains and the wild west aside, Utah continues to be a very difficult place for me to warm up to. I’ll skip the hard details for now, and simply boil my issues down to culture and air quality. I have this year let the stresses of my job affect me far more than should be allowed. And lastly, I went home in June, and while the trip was wonderful to extremes, leaving caused the same type of destruction Alaska visits have.
All this combined, led me to spend the majority of summer and early fall in a semi-depressed haze. There were days I had a hard time being happy with any part of my life, and had next to zero desire to go out and explore. Really, I had little desire to do anything but read, which I did - a lot. I had a hard time imagining how I was going to pull myself out this incredibly unwelcome slump. But then something beautiful happened, I went to Maine.
My first trip to Maine since driving away two years ago, was more than fun adventures with friends and frequent visits to my favorite haunting grounds. It was a reminder of the person I could be outside of Alaska. By that I mean the feeling that I'm never 100% complete unless I am physically in Alaska. In the past two years I've twisted that mindset to mean 'happy' can only exist with 'whole' and 'incomplete' would always mingle with 'sad'. But in Maine I realized that was a lie, one that slid away revealing underneath the me who could be not quite whole and also happy, full of hope, and ever adventurous too.
Flying away from Maine I sensed renewed health and dreams, and a lot more confidence in my ability to actually live the life I hope for. I landed in Utah full of many plans and a list of goals. One of those goals is a return to writing and to actually finish the stories, poems, and blogs I set out to create, so, I am.
~~~~
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