Loss

“It is one of my personal beliefs that when you miss someone you can find them in the mountains”

Synge is gone.

Friday went about as well as could be expected for all that was involved. She had a really good last day. There was much scrambling of eggs and opening of tuna cans. I curled up with her when she wanted me to and just sat beside her on the kitchen floor (her preferred spot) when she didn’t. For a bit Faelina even snuggled up next to her and fell asleep; I hadn’t seen them together like that for a while and it warmed my troubled heart to be able to see it one last time. And outside influences aside, she seemed to be much more content than I’d witnessed for weeks.

I held up fairly well. When I was home with her I managed to stay fairly calm with only a few teary eyed moments. But around noon I had to go into work, when I gave her a goodbye kiss I lost it and cried the whole way to Benchmark. I managed to pull myself together and arrived home a couple hours later with clear eyes. At that point our time together was down to mere hours. I fed her more of her favorites and then just sat, stroking her silky soft fur until Steph showed up. With Steph driving I decided to forgo the cat kennel; I didn’t want her to be stressed. Instead I wrapped her up in her favorite purple blanket, told her we were going on one last adventure and then held her in my lap as we drove off. An hour later she was gone.

As I pulled myself back into Steph’s van after I was drained, empty. I had no idea what to do or say. I was struggling to process what new reality the world had just become. I’m so grateful that Stephanie was able to come with me, was there, because not only did she keep me from having to do this impossibly hard thing alone, she knew what to say after to give me comfort and something to hold onto.  She said “It is one of my personal beliefs that when you miss someone you can find them in the mountains”. She said when we lose someone that is where they always go. They seek out a spot that is peaceful and quiet and wait for you to come find them. I stared up at the mountains the whole way home.

Yesterday I went up to Adams Canyon. It was my first hike in a week and I rejoiced in the hard climb that led me up into the mountain. At a spot a few minutes away from the waterfall I stopped.  There I sat, looking through the trees and over the rocks. I could envision her – whole, happy, and healthy – slinking through the underbrush and peeking down from a rock high above me. I could almost feel her curled up in my arms.

I miss her so much but now I know that she’s not gone for good. She’s just up in the mountains, curled up sleeping in the quiet spaces, waiting for me to come find her.