Aftermath

Shocked. Horrified. Incredibly saddened. I am struggling so hard right now to accept what this country has just done. Grasping to make sense of the hate so many people have allowed to take over their hearts for them to choose as they have. It makes me wish I wasn't part of this species called human, that I was a "lesser" animal instead. Sure they hunt, they cause pain, they kill; but at least with them it's due to instinct and survival and that is so much better than hatred. How can America be great when hatred is it's foundation?

 

As a woman I feel my worth and importance has been diminished. I can actually sense - for the first time ever - that thick bulletproof glass ceiling hovering just inches above my head, waiting to knock me down should I dare jump to high. I walked outside this morning - it blocked out the stars, sitting by my desk now - still there, laying in my bed last night- it was suffocating. How long will it last, will it ever fully fade?

 

Driving to work this morning on a four lane highway bogged down with traffic, hearing the promise of pollution in the air quality report, I looked at the future and felt cold fear twisting my stomach. It's still there, I expect it to be there, celebrating it's cruel victory, for a long time to come. I can barely take a breath without the threat of tears and I believe that it will be years before a true deep breath of comfort and safety will fill my lungs again. I am terrified for this country.

 

I wish, so very much that I could escape this world. I don't know how to process this new reality, don't know how to imagine a country where this is possible, much less live in it. I don't even know how to think anymore. I just don't know.