Poem

Make of this poem what you will. I give no explanation for it, save that it was sparked by words I heard this past week. It's not particularly graceful but, most times, neither is life.

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They want to be invisible

A winter star that’s never seen
Or blow away into the ether

Dandelion wisps lost to the wind

They dream only of the shadows

Long to walk those halls as ghosts

To at last become the hauntings

That have so destroyed their world

They’ll wake to that place someday

Perhaps sooner than they think

First fading into mist, then feathers

Then lost forever to the wind

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A Plea for Empathy

A few years back I wrote a short post about a video I'd seen on a work conference. The message of the video was to inspire empathy and understanding towards others, because so often you truly have no idea what joys or sadnesses they could be experiencing. The first time I saw this video I cried; watching it years later I cried again.

Lately, I've seen an overwhelming amount of judgement and negativity directed towards others. I see it in the world at large in politics, international relations, race, religion, etc.... but I also see, hear and feel it among the people I interact with on a daily basis. It saddens me, deeply.

So I've decided to share the link to the video again. I hope that you'll watch it. I hope too, that you'll take it's message to heart. That you'll remember the people you talk to in the store, the peers you interact with at work, and the neighbors who live across the street are living inside a world completely different from your world. Try not to judge too harshly, the person on the phone who says something rude - they might have just been yelled at themselves for no good reason. Don't criticize the people down the street for never having a clean yard - they might suffer chronic pain and not have anyone who can help them. Let go of any annoyance you may feel for a person who talks insufferably about the same topic over and over again - it might be the only thing in their life that brings them any joy.

Our world will, I think, be a better place if we can all find it in our hearts to do this more; and that in turn will make our hearts happier, brighter places to call home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDDWvj_q-o8 

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A Return of Self

Since I last posted, I can point to only a handful of days I have not written at least one sentence. I would journal on the events of my day, on worries and concerns I’d troubled with, but all my sentences were stilted, chaotic. I’ve begun numerous short stories, each floundering after page one. I’ve penned poems but all so terrible that the poems themselves crinkled in shame at their own words. Often I wanted, really, to come back to this blog, but with my newfound inability to focus on any paper I’ve put pen to, I decided not to waste other people's time. I’m not quite sure why I’ve had such struggles, but I think primarily it all boils down to my mental health.

A brief snapshot of what that means. Earlier this year, I returned to therapy. I began in February and have gone almost every week since. My new therapist has a ton of experience working with those monsters called eating disorders, and with her help I've attained a few breakthroughs, but there have also been some setbacks. It's a constant swing of highs and lows that leave me with the inescapable feeling that I’m the ever fraying rope in a game of tug-o-war between my eating disorder and the whole rest of the world. I also continue to struggle with the place I currently call home. Mountains and the wild west aside, Utah continues to be a very difficult place for me to warm up to. I’ll skip the hard details for now, and simply boil my issues down to culture and air quality. I have this year let the stresses of my job affect me far more than should be allowed. And lastly, I went home in June, and while the trip was wonderful to extremes, leaving caused the same type of destruction Alaska visits have.

All this combined, led me to spend the majority of summer and early fall in a semi-depressed haze. There were days I had a hard time being happy with any part of my life, and had next to zero desire to go out and explore. Really, I had little desire to do anything but read, which I did - a lot. I had a hard time imagining how I was going to pull myself out this incredibly unwelcome slump. But then something beautiful happened, I went to Maine.

My first trip to Maine since driving away two years ago, was more than fun adventures with friends and frequent visits to my favorite haunting grounds. It was a reminder of the person I could be outside of Alaska. By that I mean the feeling that I'm never 100% complete unless I am physically in Alaska. In the past two years I've twisted that mindset to mean 'happy' can only exist with 'whole' and 'incomplete' would always mingle with 'sad'. But in Maine I realized that was a lie, one that slid away revealing underneath the me who could be not quite whole and also happy, full of hope, and ever adventurous too.

Flying away from Maine I sensed renewed health and dreams, and a lot more confidence in my ability to actually live the life I hope for. I landed in Utah full of many plans and a list of goals. One of those goals is a return to writing and to actually finish the stories, poems, and blogs I set out to create, so, I am. 

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An Impossible Poem

Throughout my whole life and all the, likely, hundreds of poems I've crafted, there really is only one I love entirely, that I feel proud to call mine. A terrible poem though is easy to create as long as it rhymes; and I write those constantly, often without even thinking about it. Rhymes come easy. Non-rhyming however does not, and I have found that scribing a poem – good or bad - without that sing song quality is just about downright impossible. Today’s poem is an attempt at that impossible...

'This can't

be all there is', I say,

on days life seems to be

falling backwards in

to the superficial

mundane.

 

I dream, those days,

of simple woods; fields

of wild untouched

berries; of mountains laced

in violet flowers - the kind

that I can fall into

forever 

 

 

 

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Furiously Happy - the List Version

“I’m thinking of making my own list of things that make me furiously happy” a co-worker (and one of my favorite people ever) said over the phone a couple weeks ago. She had taken me up on my advice to read “Furiously Happy” by Jenny Lawson and loved it. I was thrilled; finally I had someone who truly understood just how awesome this book was, someone I could share my delight  and excitement with. Our several impromptu hallway conversations about stuffed raccoons, giraffes, Spoon Theories, and Pegasus’s left us laughing while other peers walked by slightly with slightly perplexed looks on their faces. The book inspired her idea to create a ‘Furiously Happy’ list; I though it was brilliant plan, decided I need one of my own and immediately set off to write it.

My list is made up mostly of things I've done/experienced. There are a couple that have not yet crossed my life’s path but I’m  99.9999% certain they would enrich my life in countless happy ways. Then there are a few which are so open ended they could really be applied to anything so you might say I’ve done them but maybe not just as fully as possible. Creating the list was easy, I knew exactly what needed to be there; however, after it was complete I realized that I haven’t really been living it. I mean sure, a really literal person could argue that I do every day by drinking coffee, playing with Faelina and daydreaming that I live at Hogwarts. But doing just a few things every day doesn’t make up for me not trying out any of the others ever. I mentioned in my last Furiously Happy post that I’ve had the past few months I’ve had a really hard time feeling truly happy; perhaps that’s because I haven’t been living life in a way that’s true to myself. So here’s my list. Now it’s up to me to go live it.

 

 

1.       Midnight hikes

2.       Nighttime swims in the ocean, rivers and/or lakes – clothing optional

3.       Coffee

4.       Kittens

5.       Furiously Happy – the book

6.       All things Harry Potter

7.       Challenging dumb social norms

8.       Not caring what others think

9.       Seeing my nephews

10.   Surprises – both giving and receiving them

11.   Pulling an all-nighter just because

12.   Committing anonymous acts of kindness for others

13.   Leaving anonymous secret letters for people to find

14.   Solo vacations

15.   Dressing like a faery, princess, mermaid, gypsy or combination of all four

16.   LIVING like a faery, princess, mermaid, gypsy or combination of all four

17.   Spontaneous Adventures

18.   Searching for magic

19.   Throwing caution to the wind

20.   Giving into the wildness of Mother Nature

21.   Dancing under the full moon

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Poem

 

I was at work deep in admission mundanity (yes I know that was not a word, it is now) when suddenly this poem dropped into my thoughts. It was completely unbidden, I have no idea where it came from. It's dark which I find a bit odd because I've been (surprisingly) light hearted this past week; I have been watching a lot of Game of Thrones though so perhaps that was inspiration enough to my subconscious. Anyways here it is...

Sunlight drips with topaz poison

Shards of fire beneath white snow

No idle threat will be forgiven

No tiny breath can be let go

 

Oh Earth this madness, how did we get here

When did our heaven become hell
I'd sell my soul to know this answer
but Time's great secret it will not tell




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Come Happy, Go Happy

 

In Iceland, people greet each other with “komdu sæll” meaning ‘come happy’ and part ways by saying “vertu sæll” which is ‘go happy’.

I learned this while reading “The Geography of Bliss, One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World”. In it journalist Eric Weiner chronicles his travels through countries that have been noted for their high levels of happiness (or unhappiness), trying to figure out just what gives their people so much joy, what causes them to feel blue, and how that differs from America. Reading this book has been incredibly delightful and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my visits to Switzerland, Bhutan, and Great Britain to name a few. The country that stole my heart most though was Iceland, that frozen beauty up north.

 Miami based Weiner suffered an understandable shock upon landing there in January (he did have a logical reason for going that time of year), on the other hand I found his descriptions of the hard ice, cold snow and permanent darkness to be perfectly fantastic and exactly the way life should be. Weiner’s time there introduced me to so many wondrous aspects of Icelandic culture (wild connections with nature, an obsession of books, believing in elves) that I began to feel a very strong desire to move there, now (seriously, any ideas on what I could do for a job?). And I just love how the native language plays such an important role in bringing happiness to the people, particularly their versions of hello and goodbye. So while I may not be moving to Iceland (yet) I am going to start adopting the practice of “komdu sæll” and "vertu sæll", as I think doing so will go quite far on my own quest to find happiness.

So until next time vertu sæll, go happy.

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