Fairy Ring

 This has been somewhat of a lacklustre weekend. My poor best friend is battling strep throat and seeing her miserable is one super unpleasant experience, I myself woke up feeling a bit off this morning making me nervously apprehensive that I might be next, and my hopeful To-Do list was barely even considered much less worked on. Despite all that, there have been a few bright spots; I've read a lot, got lost in a wonderful nap this afternoon with both cats curled up next to me, and was able to muster enough creativity to write this little poem.

 

Deep within the sylvan shadows,

 and soft emerald mossy growth,

golden magic shouts infinite laughter,

for this is where the Fae call home.

My soul's unquiet with restless desire,

to step inside that hidden ring,

to breathe, to see, to touch Fae fire,

for only then would my soul be free.




~~~~

 

Fig the Pirate Cat

A week ago, I asked friends and family for new writing ideas. A friends daughter requested a story about a one eyed cat named Fig. Fictional stories are by far my biggest writing challenge, so here is what I was able to come up with, though I may one day need be visiting Fig's story again.

Fig was a brave little cat,
he did not like to take naps,
he'd tease and trick his older brothers,
he loved to roll in peanut butter!

When you first saw Fig you were surprised,
'cause he was born with only one eye,
he loved to wear a patch outside,
and pretend he was a pirate in disguise!

One day Fig's patch was lost and missing,
making him one very sad, lost little kitten,
he searched and roamed trying to find
where his pirate patch had gone to hide.

He climbed tall trees to search birds nests,
but that made all the mama birds protest,
he tried to swim to the bottom of the river,
but the water was too cold – it made his whiskers shiver!

He looked under rocks and in a strawberry patch,
but only found one pair of socks that didn't match,
from dawn to dusk he wandered wide,
but when night came he went home somber and tired.

His mom asked him why he was so blue,
for he was too sad to even eat his food,
he took a deep breath and told her his tale,
as he came to the end one blue tear slowly fell.

His mom hugged him tight and said 'Cheer up little man,
just look what I've got here in my hand',
Fig looked down with his little green eye,
and let out a yell full of delight!

For in his mom's paw lay his pirates patch,
and right next to that was a real pirate hat!
He squirmed to the ground and donned his new gear,
He was a real pirate now – with nothing to fear!

He kissed his mom's cheek and then ran out the door,
he had oceans to cross and the whole world to explore;
And never again did his patch go missing,
he was forever and always one brave pirate kitten!

A Year Ago

A year ago today my future was a mystery, daily life was anguish, I felt utterly lost. I lived so confused that every breath I took seemed only to bring me more questions about what I should do, questions so strong I feared I might never find their answer. I knew I had to leave Maine. As beautiful and wonderful as it was, it simply did not have what would keep my soul happy, and yet the thought of saying goodbye to that place I had come to love so deeply was agony. I wanted to hold onto it longer, wanted to keep the life and structure I'd built there, wanted cling to the small sense of safety it brought me when so much else of my life was uncertain. And I was living with her voice in my head, plaguing me each and every second with her desperate attempts to lead me back down the trail of death. Part of me was afraid to recover, and each day was a precarious walk over that tightrope to recovery, with the fall into relapse an all too easy and temping step to the side. All together I was scared, terrified, petrified. It seemed I was facing the impossible.

Slowly though the decisions came and with them doubt ever so slightly began to fade. Fear roared then became a whisper then was silenced. Each passing day I found new, steadier footholds to guide my path, months came and went bringing with them the gift of more confidence in myself. And then, almost as if by magic, it's suddenly now – today – and I am able to look back on this past year with nothing less than wonder.

I have experienced moments I never could have imagined, seen things that before only existed in my dreams I have learned so much about the world, discovered so much more about who I am. As I look back on all the choices, adventures, and challenges that took place I know now it was year that I truly lived. I didn't listen to the weakness of my fear, I followed my strength of my heart, and I could not be more grateful. I'm not saying my life is perfect now, it isn't. My job is sometimes stressful, I still have her as a daily companion, each day isn't full of nothing but carefree happiness. But here is what I do have...deep joy. For the first time in maybe forever, I have a job I am excited to wake up for. And while 'fully recovered' isn't a tittle I'd apply to myself, I am doing well, and no longer is each bite of food agony. My cats are both happy and healthy. I get to see my best friend every day, and watch her kids grow. My mom is well and my sisters flourishing - this June I get to become an aunt not just once – but twice! I am surrounded by mountains and soak up their silent, guarding beauty each and every day. There is a thin blanket of fresh fallen snow outside my bedroom window as I write, and warm blankets and good books are always beckoning me to go lose myself in their magic.

A year ago my future seemed a haunted mystery. The beauty of the future though is that it is a mystery that will always be solved, and as mine inevitably unraveled it brought me the most incredible gift; that is a deeper knowledge of what I am capable of, an awareness of a strength I had not known I possessed. I wonder today where I will be a year from now. Will life will be heaven or might it be hell? I will only know with time. But everything I have done these past 12 months to get to this exact moment, this exact place on the earth, well it has brought me hope, strength, and acceptance for whatever will come.

~~~~

 

Snowy Morning Peace

Faelina finds the good quality expensive food I buy distasteful, and instead prefers the food meant for Stephanie's cat. Faelina refuses to touch the treats I give her, unless Synge gets one first - she doesn't like Synge getting something and not her. Faelina pushes Synge out of the way when I feed them, because she doesn't believe in letting others go first. Faelina spends the night curled up calmly by my legs, but pounces whenever Synge decides to crawl under the blanket and curl up in my arms - heaven forbid she not get the most attention.  Faelina waits until we're not looking to jump on counters and steal the kids food, even though she knows this is NOT allowed. Faelina likes to pick fights with Steph's, hissing at him through the glass door, even though she is inside a nice warm house and he is not. Faelina likes to write things on my computer because a) the keyboard is warm and b) she knows that gets my attention real quick. Faelina has put holes in every piece of clothing I own and given me more scratches then I can count, all due to her daily workouts that entail climbing straight up me.

Faelina is kind of a punk.
and yet...

She only climbs me every day because she always wants me to hold her, and my left shoulder is her favorite space on this earth. She has such delightful zest and determination to catch the lights and shadows that dance across the floors and walls as the sun starts to rise, or twilight begins to fall. Her unceasing fascination with the falling snow outside never fails make my heart smile, and I just love the way she walks across the room, slinking her body in an S shape with her long tail doing the same. She has made Synge happier, given her more peace, than I ever could have hoped, and her quiet purr is one of my most favorite sounds in the world. She has become my shining star, bringing joy to my life each and every day. And as I sit here watching her golden eyes race back and forth trying to keep up with the snow floating past my window I am filled with gratitude that the universe saw fit to bring her into my life.

Embrace

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most of us are not entirely 100% satisfied with who we are. Most have things we wish we were better at, skills we always dream of developing, and habits that we either long to start or stop (depending on the habit). While we likely think about these things often, these wishes/plans/resolutions tend to be most discussed at the turn of each new year. Some people eschew the idea of New Years Resolutions entirely, but a fair number of us come up with at least one – if not a whole list. At times creating the resolution in the farthest we get into it, at others we make a decent attempt to follow through but as time passes our resolve wanes into non-existence, and then occasionally we complete the year happily successful.

I think for me the reason behind so many of my resolutions getting left by the wayside of time is that I am too specific in what I want. In the course of daily life it is simply too difficult to stick to the exact goal; inevitably I slip up a few times causing discouragement to flourish thereby paving the way for resolution abandonment to follow. Then at my first New Years in Maine I was introduced to a refreshingly new way to approach the whole 'New Years Resolution' thing, one that practically caused me to spark with excitement. I read an article in which the author wrote about scrapping the common long list of resolutions and instead encouraged everyone to "Pick a word, a word you really, really want to apply to just about every corner of your life. Then keep it with you, and live it. Inhabit it.

Be it."

I spent a few days letting my mind roll through all the words I'd ever known before landing on the exact right one – Fearless. As 2012 took over the world I tried to breathe that word into all of my actions and was amazed at the power saying it gave me even if I'd merely whispered it inside the quiet of my mind. It helped me to grow in such fantastic ways that their ripple effects still touch my life today. It made me brave enough to say, try, and do things I might otherwise have let pass by with regret. It helped me immensely to care not even an inch about what others thought of me. It became my personal motto – Breathe and Be Fearless – and remains so to this day. As 2015 came to a close I thought a lot about which word I wanted to hold on to not only this year but continually for the rest of my life. And as this New Years weekend draws to a close I now know it to be Embrace.

I want to learn to Embrace all of who I am. Embrace my body for what it is, and my mind for the equal amounts of craziness and sanity that live inside it. Embrace not only the days that are wrapped in happiness, but also each sorrow and struggle I experience for without them I wouldn't be me. Embrace the new chances and opportunities that will come with living in Utah, that will accompany me as I walk through the door of work each day. Embrace this incredible world I exist in – to never let myself forget to gaze in awe and wonder at the mountains I see each time I step outside, or let my eyes pass unseeing over the sparkling waters of rivers, lakes, waterfalls – even rain puddles. Embrace the frozen diamonds in winter's snow and the glowing magic of the night sky. Embrace the instinctual calling of the birds flying above, the quiet calm of the cows in the pastures, and the joyful purrs of my cats curled up next to me. Embrace not only the wonderful moments of silence I get on those rare occasions I'm home alone but also try to Embrace the craziness and yelling that is inescapable in a house of five kids. Embrace the sweetness of the moment when Stephanie's two year old little girl snuggles up with me on the couch or the time her four year old ran up to me holding an apple he'd decided on his own accord I needed simply because he knows how much I love them.
 
It is so easy for me to get caught up in frustrated thoughts, impatience, self-anger and self-doubt. It takes less then a second for my mind to stop paying attention to the wonders and blessings around me and get bogged down by thoughts of the future or regrets of my past. I want to learn to Embrace the present moment – whatever that may be. I think that if I can do that this year my life will be better for it in every year that comes after.

Utah Living

When I arrived at Stephanie's in the late afternoon sun of October 20^th, I still was having doubts on whether I'd made the right decision to move to Utah. Now those doubts are gone.

I won't lie and say I feel 100% completely at home here, or that no longer wish I could have somehow found a way to stay in Norway for good, but unless I am actually back in Alaska or a job in Norway suddenly presents itself, I pretty much always expect to have those feelings. And I do miss Maine. I think of and wish for Brunswick a ton – Maine street, Gelato Fiasco, stopping in at the library, walking around Bowdoin, attending shows at the Theater Project and so much more. Never a city girl I miss the small town feel that lived in every city there – including Portland. I wanted the fall leaves back the second I left them behind, and whenever it rains it feels wrong to not smell the salt of the ocean in the air. I miss the emphasis on recycling, living greener, and buying local and organic foods. I miss the fact that most of the stores and restaurants I saw were small local business versus the big chains. And even though I knew what I was getting myself into by moving to Utah, I miss being surrounded by a more liberal atmosphere. Most of all I don't like being away from all the people I said goodbye to. There's my friends of course, but also those that were more acquaintances but all the same never failed to brighten my day when I saw them. It saddens me beyond reason that I don't know when – or if – I'll ever see them again.

But like I've written before, my heart told me it was time to go. I picked Utah because I had hoped it would be a good place to call home until such time that I was able to carve out the details of what I did want more and was able to weave those details into my life. These past seven and a half weeks have been a prime example of why it is important to take a deep breath and follow what your heart is telling you to do – even if your mind is unsure of what you want - because as each week passed I've become more confident that Utah will allow me to do exactly what I'd hoped. And I get to do it while living with my best friend.

A little history for those not in the know, my parents moved next door to Stephanie's family when I was about a year old. Despite the six year age difference between us Stephanie decided pretty much immediately that she wanted us two to be friends. Every day she knocked on our door asking if I could play and every day my mom told her no because I was only a baby. This lasted until I turned two at which point my mom just gave up and we have been friends ever since. I have no memory of life without Stephanie in it, but in our 26 years of friendship 18 of them have been spent with us living in different states – far away different states. Getting to see her every day now is nothing short of awesome and she (and her husband and all the kids) has been absolutely phenomenal in welcoming me into her home.

Knowing that going from living on my own to suddenly being surrounded by seven other people all the time, she created a bedroom for me that would be the perfect oasis for me to escape to when it all became a little too much. It's light and airy with a comfortable bed, fairy lights, and other sweet magical touches that perfectly hint at my love for magic, skeleton keys, Maine, Harry Potter and the night sky. I've been given cabinet space in the kitchen and a fridge in their basement to store all my food. And along with telling me I'm welcome to help myself help myself to whatever food is in the house, she makes sure my stock of Cinnamon Apple Spice tea is never depleted!

I also love that I get to see her kids every day. Knowing that I don't have to cram every activity into a short period of time, I have been able to quietly enjoy the daily moments that make up their lives – starting in the early hours of the morning when they're waking up and getting ready for school and ending with the sometimes calm, usually hectic routine of getting them all down for the night. I love hearing the excited “HI KELLY” that comes from the two youngest whenever I come back home from an errand. I now have time to get to know the other kids favorite foods, places, games etc... (and conversely the things they don't like). And it has been awesome to watch the kids decorate for Christmas, excitedly look for the two Elves on the Shelf each morning, and talk about what Santa will bring them on the big day.

I am not the only who, so far, is adjusting well to the move. The first few days after arriving I kept them in my room, as planned, and only brought the kids in one at a time because even that scared both into hiding. But it became apparent to me fairly quickly the original plan would be harder to stick to than I'd thought. Mainly because I spent so much time out in the rest of the house and I felt guilty not letting them have the attention (from me) that they were used to. So with Steph's permission I cautiously began experiment with opening the door and letting them explore. Once Synge realized we weren't leaving any time soon she's been fine and seems completely unphased by the extra adults, kids and animals she now shares a house with. Most days I find her sleeping underneath Steph's clothes in her closet. Faelina's had a little more difficulty settling in. The first few weeks she spent hiding out of sight until all the kids were either out of the house or asleep and running like a T-Rex is after her whenever Steph's dogs gave chase (they're a chihuahua and a teacup yorkie). When it comes to the dogs she still hasn't quite figured out that all she needs to do is turn around and hiss, but the dogs are getting better at not chasing and she is getting smarter about not fleeing. As for the kids, each day that passes she seems to get a little braver and come out into view a little more often. She still doesn't like anyone but me to touch her but she'll get there!

Of course it hasn't been all fun and happiness. Quite often though being around so many people and the noise (both good and and bad) that comes with is way too much for me. Out of nowhere my inner introvert panics and I'm overcome with a desperate need to run until I'm surrounded only by wilderness. Sometimes those moments are mere flashes disappearing seconds later, other times they pretty much the whole day. Whenever they come that's usually when simply I walk to my room and close the door. I'll stay there in silence for a few minutes – or hours – until I'm ready to rejoin the world of people again. Something that goes a long way in lessening the frequency of these episodes are the few times that I've been able to have the house to myself. When the whole family goes to church or heads out to a family Christmas party I have a few hours to be completely free of any people which calms my inner introvert and makes me happy to see the family when they arrive home.

As far as Utah itself goes, for the most part it's been great. Every day I step outside see the mountains and instantly my heart feels safe and calm, the lack of humidity is incredibly refreshing, and it just feels right to be back in the wild beauty of the west. I haven't done a whole lot of exploring but hopefully, when I'm a bit more settled, I'll be able to make weekend excursions to the Arches, Bryce, Zion and many other less famous hiking grounds! There is one drive-thru coffee shop, The Daily Rise, that makes a wickedly good americano! And for the first time in four years I am just a short drive from my all time favorite bookstore Barnes and Noble. I have even found a job as the Admissions Coordinator and Executive Assistant at Benchmark Behavioral Hospital in Woods Cross. It is a job that I expect will keep me constantly busy, learning, and excited about. My first day is tomorrow and I can only hope that I will be able to meet their expectations. Lucky for me (yet maybe not so good for my bank account) this place is within a five minute drive from a Starbucks, an amazing natural foods store, and a Barnes & Noble!

That is all for now, hopefully I'll have more exciting adventures to share in the future!

Book Page Poem

A long time ago, I saw on Pintrest a writing activity where one takes a page from a book and uses the words on it to write a poem. I instantly fell in love with that idea, thinking it uniquely awesome. Well, the first time I tried it (and every time since) I learned that while it is fun it is also incredibly hard. Each time I take up a page I often find myself stringing together words only to find that the next perfect word for the poem I'm creating doesn't exist anywhere on the page. As a result, the flow and subject of the poem usually spirals into a different direction than I'd wanted.Sometimes that is fine and I am left satisfied with what I've created, however other times I am not. On one such occasion while I did warp the poem I was developing to fit the words on it's page, I also chose to continue my original vision afterwards and what you'll see below is the result.

Clouded daylight eclipsed suffering,

and allowed instead some

glimpses of grace and gaiety,

creating a certain strange beauty

that unrolled it's wild eyes and

fierce soul setting free 

the fire of the eternal world

~~~~

p.s. I realize I've shared nothing about life in Utah since arriving but I promise that actual post doing just that is in the works and will be posted soon