Norway, Here I Come!

So it's finally here. After weeks of serious thought, flurried activity, whirlwind planning, and life changing choices, I am at the eve of my Norwegian adventure. In the center of my living room sit two filled suitcases and a packed carry on (all of which are covered with cat hair). The thought of leaving my cats for a month saddens me, but I have done as much as possible to make sure they are well taken care of in my absence (a huge thank you to all my friends taking care of them). I am filled with butterflies, excitement and hope. I am eager to get there, to begin exploring that beautiful faraway land. Halfway through my trip, my sister and brother-in-law will be joining me for a week, which I'm psyched about. I also get to spend a day with two of my aunts as they pass through Stavanger on a trip of their own and that will be wonderful. And of course being the true introvert that I am, I feel ridiculously excited about a couple weeks of just being off on my own. I have four goals for this trip; the first is to have as much fun as I possibly can. The second is is to do the best damn housesitting job I've ever done. My third goal is to stay healthy.

There is unfortunately the concern of how this trip will affect my recovery. The knowledge of what happened to my weight in Utah remains on the forefront of my mind. This trip to Norway has a lot of additional factors that could make staying strong and making good choices harder. I will be alone for much of it, I will (hopefully) be doing a lot of hiking, and the food there will be different which could make it easier for her to trick me. I am very happy, and more than a little relieved, to report that I did have some weight gain. I was told it was only a little bit, but that still helps me to go into this adventure buoyed by a concrete sign that I am still in charge of my life and health rather than feeling discouraged and worried that she was taking over again.

She is furious of course, and trying to trip me up at every turn. Every mirror I pass by, every reflection caught in a window, she is quick to point out how hideous I've become with that small bit of extra weight. I'm doing my best to just not look, to not let her dig her claws in further, but it's one of those situations where the sight is just to horrific not to. I pay for that of course, each time she leaves me wishing I could just dissolve into invisibility. She's trying to get me to let up on the food. She's promising left right and backward that if I diet now then she'll be ok with me letting loose and really diving into food there. She says that if I just lose that little bit again, than it will be ok for me to gain weight with abandon in Norway. I fight back though. I tell her to shut it, because I know giving in now will mean a definite weight loss once I'm there. So I eat each bite of every meal and snack I know I need and try to tune out her howling shrieks of dismay and disgust in the background.

Lucky for me, I don't have to rely solely on my healthy self to fend her off for a month. One of the many reasons I'm glad Kairi will be with me for a week is that she'll be able to look me and assess how I'm doing much more objectively than I'll be capable of. I know that I'll be able to count on her to step in and say something if I'm slipping. And then there is my "Recovery Toolkit", full of objects I can hold in my hands to glean strength from if my own is wavering or disappeared completely. As seen in this picture, there's my "Alternatives to Destructive Behavior" list, a letter I wrote to myself to help keep me strong which I'll read each day I'm there, one of my favorite books ever to curl and and read, a brand new travelers journal whose pages can't wait to become friends with my thoughts, a necklace from my mom, letters and cards of support from friends and my fellow Recovery Warriors, a box of my favorite tea, and of course peanut butter! I have a few other things not pictured here, but no less important. I am hopeful that the combination of the dreams, heart, and mind of my healthy self, Kairi's presence for a week, and these items will enough to drown out all possibility of her once more becoming queen of my body.

I plan to do a lot of writing while there, but I'm not sure how often, or even if, that writing will make it's way on to this blog. In truth, I don't know what access, if any, I'll have to the internet. I'm not bringing my laptop, and I won't have my phone; it's possible I may spend the next four weeks completely cut off from my friends and family back in the states. If that is the case, don't mistake my lack of communication for a sign I'm in trouble. I'll be fine, and upon my return will reveal all the facets of my trip - good and bad. I am also not sure when I will be able to share any pictures, even if I can get online I might not be able to upload pictures, but I promise those will come as well.

For those of you paying attention, I haven't forgotten to share my fourth goal. I've just decided to keep that my secret for now, a bit of a mystery to leave you wondering. It''s possible that one wish of mine won't come to fruition, but with luck on my side it will and I will then tell my tale with gleeful triumph.

With that I am off! Let the exhilarating breath of adventure bring what it may...